A little time off

One thing I have learned over the last two years and especially during last year's training is that a little time off every now and then isn't always a bad thing. Right after Mac deployed last year I had a really hard time finding the motivation to run. It ended up meaning that I skipped a chunk of my training. No short runs, no long runs, nothing for a little over two weeks. By the time I got to my parent's house, I was facing a 7 mile run and I was terrified. I had not done the 6 miles before and 5 miles was the longest(and last run) that I had done. I decided to take it easy and walk as much as I needed too but I knew I had to try or I was never going to start running again. The craziest thing happened. The run went GREAT. I felt good, had a good pace and even felt like I could have continued. It was crazy. It didn't take me long to recover and I was very encouraged by the run. A similar thing happened later in my training just before my 11 mile run and it went great as well.

Sometimes your body just needs some time off and giving it a little rest will make a world of difference. I've been in a slump lately, mainly due to the time of year but I haven't let it get to me the way it has in the past. On the 15th, I "ran" the Trail of Lights 5K and it was the first time I had run in a while. It felt great and I had a really great pace until a little after the 1 mile mark where I hit the crazy traffic during the Christmas lights portion of the race. It made it nearly impossible to run so Mac and I ended up giving up and just walking most of that mile and then took it easy for the last. We decided to come home and run again since I was technically supposed to do 6 miles that day and I had only done three. We ran 3 more once we were home but thanks to eating supper and having a headache, it wasn't as great as the first attempt that night. We haven't really done much this week either. We had plans to start Insanity and sort of did but with the holidays and other craziness going on(I had another allergic reaction) we didn't get in all of our workouts. At first it bugged me but then I sat down with our training calendar, made a few adjustments and now we have a plan again. Now instead of finishing the weekend before the race we will finish the week of but that is fine with me. If it improves my running as much as it did in July/August than I am all for it.

For now the hardest part is going to be dealing with workouts and travel this weekend as we go home to do Christmas with the families. Getting in the long run won't be too hard, it will just take a chunk of time out of our time with family. I find it a little funny that I will once again be doing my 7 mile run in GA instead of TX but I like doing long runs there so I am looking forward to it in a way.

I'm trying to make a few small changes to help me focus more now that things are calming down and we are getting closer to the race. Also we are only 5 months away from my 30th birthday and for me to reach some of the goals I have set for myself I need to "buckle down." We are finally getting through the "honeymoon" period after Mac's return from the deployment and settling back into a semi normal daily life. That will be even more true once we get back from visiting family and he is back to a normal schedule at work. Once things start falling back into a regular groove and we see what the schedule is really going to be, I think it will be easier to make sure we are getting our workouts in each day and eating better.

The holidays always make sticking to your routine hard and falling off the wagon can make you feel discouraged about your journey. Just know it's never to late to get back at it and that if you stay focused and determined and don't get too down on your self, anything is possible.

Slip Up

So if I am going to be perfectly honest, I must admit I have slipped up the past few days when it comes to food. I've been keeping up with my running but I have been eating a few extra things that I shouldn't. Dealing with monthly issues and the stress of the upcoming holiday, I have indulged in a few "treats" that I didn't really need to eat. I am 100% for having a treat now and then or even a cheat day once a week for sanity's sake but I need to cut this out now. It is a slippery slope that if I keep letting myself have a little something extra every day, then I will start over eating again soon.

One of the issues is that I haven't had a proper grocer trip since Mac came home. I keep wanting to go to Austin to hit Central Market for some really awesome fruit instead of the mediocre stuff in the stores here but we just haven't found the time to do it. So that means I don't have good things in the house to snack on. I didn't really have anything in the house to snack on so I would go buy stuff that I really didn't need.

The good thing is that I recognize the issue and I am working to get things back in check before it gets out of hand. Another plus is that I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving dinner anyway so I won't really be tempted to over indulge on Thursday.

First long run

So Saturday was my first long run of the Princess training. It was 4 miles which isn't too long but it is definitely the longest run I have done since the 8K in September. I was nervous about it but I had plans to take it slow. Mac and I spent the afternoon hanging out around the house and watched a movie. Once it was done we suited up and decided to go out for a run before it got dark. Fortunately, right next to our neighborhood there is a post gate that is closed on the weekends and the road that it is on is  about 3/4 of a mile long so we headed over there to run down and back until we hit 4 miles. It's nice because you don't have to worry about traffic and it is nice and wide so we can run together without feeling crowded. As we were coming up on the 1 mile mark I knew we were going a little faster than I had planned. Mac and I were talking and it kept me distracted enough to run a little faster. I told him we might need to slow down, and I thought we did, but I was wrong. I felt good through the run. My legs did get tired near the end and my knees definitely weren't used to it but I still felt great when we were done. We ended up keeping a very consistent pace the entire run which was very encouraging since we are just getting back into this.

It was really great having Mac with me on the long run. We had a lot of time to really talk about everything that has been going on and where I have found myself recently on this journey. It was nice having that time with him. It's also been good just getting back into the running mind set. We are doing a night time 5K next month that runs through a Christmas lights display and then in January we are doing the Biggest Loser 10K in Austin. I'm considering signing up for another race but we'll see after I get a chance to discuss it with Mac.

Other than that, I have been trying to plan our trip for the Princess and that has been a little more stressful than I would like. We already had a reservation but we decided to change what day we were arriving so I called to change the reservation but they didn't have anything available at the same resort for the day we wanted to get there so we had to change resorts. It's fine with me but was a little annoying.  Now we just have to wait and see if things look like it will work out so that we can book our airfare. It's a lot more stressful trying to plan all of this around the Army. I'm so excited that he is going with me but I wish it was easier for us to make plans in advance.

Anyway, things are going well for now. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. I'll be happy when it is over because I am not a turkey person at all(or dressing, or cranberry sauce, or sweet potato stuff or really any traditional thanksgiving dishes). We're having lunch with some of Mac's soldiers and their families to satisfy his traditional dish needs and then coming home to a nice pot roast for my kind of Thanksgiving dinner. Have a great week!

10 Day Challenge Results

Sorry I'm a little late but I just never found the time yesterday. I emailed in my results to Lindsey yesterday morning and I was happy but a little frustrated. I lost a little over 4 lbs during the 10 days and  1 inch from my waist. All things considered, those were pretty good results. What made me frustrated was the second of the two milestones I was telling you about. I didn't pass the second one even though I think I would have if it hadn't been for the lovely monthly water weight gain we ladies have to deal with.

The first of the two milestones I did surpass and it is a pretty big one. I have now lost over 30 lbs since this whole journey began and I was at my heaviest. I have actually lost 32 to be exact but passing the 30 mark was a big deal. The second of the two milestones was going to be being back in the 220s for the first time in a LONG time. Well, that one didn't happen. The night I spoke about it, I had weighed in at 230.0 that morning and since I was still in the last two days of the challenge, I just KNEW it was going to keep going down. Then the curse struck and I went up just a little, not too much but just enough to keep me from seeing what I wanted to on results day. Now I have to wait a few days to find out exactly how much I lost during the challenge but either way, I'm happy.

I decided to go back and compare these results to the original info I sent Lindsey before the October challenge and I was very happy with what I saw. Between Oct 9th and Nov 15th, I lost 10 lbs, 3 inches from my waist and 1.5 inches from my hips. That is the fastest I have seen a change like that in a long time. I had a serious plateau issue there for a while and it seems that I may have overcome that for now. I still haven't been as consistent with my workouts as I would like but I am working on it. I'm making better choices but I am not completely depriving myself. If I want a little indulgence, I do it I just don't go overboard. If I don't allow myself a treat or a cheat day now and then, I feel too deprived and I end up blowing it on a binge day and then I feel like crap and quit trying. By allowing myself to have little things every now and then, I keep those craving under control and it is easier to stay on track.

I'm very excited about the possibilities and what I see happening. I can't wait to see where I am in a few months.(I have 6 months until my 30th birthday, I'm going to make the most of it.)

If you are interested in joining one of Lindsey's challenges, she will be doing a 12 day challenge in December. Please check out the flyer below for info on the challenge and how you can join. Lindsey will work with you on creating a meal plan for the challenge with great recipes you can keep and continue using. She sends out daily emails with motivations and personal stories to help you along. If you feel stuck, she is there to help you push through. You don't have to do it alone.

Confidence and Style

I've been thinking a lot lately about how your self confidence effects how much you truly express your personal style. For years, I have been so ashamed with my outward appearance that I have hidden in t-shirts and jeans or very dark lifeless clothes. What is really sad about that is the fact that it does not represent my personal style in any way. There are so many things that I love and would love to wear but I have simply lacked the confidence to do it.

One aspect of this came up this weekend when my husband and I attended the Texas Renaissance Festival. If you know anything about ren fest then you know there are always tons of people in costume, some period correct, some just use it as an excuse to wear as few clothes as possible.  As we walked around and looked at shops, I kept hearing myself say over and over, "One day." I would love nothing more than to have a full, awesome, period relative costume.(I say period relative because I want something that looks close to period correct without some of the less comfortable aspects and layers.) I have always loved the idea of having a renaissance costume and I have dreamed of what it would be like. I have searched online, priced out options and designed in my head. But the truth is, I have never spent the money on one because I know at this point, I still don't have the confidence to wear it. I told my husband that if I ever get all of this figured out and really lose the weight that I will finally be able to let my full freak flag fly. Ha, ha. I don't mean chain mail bra and panties with nothing else under (or over) them, I mean just the freedom to allow myself to be myself with my wardrobe choices. And one of the first purchases will be a costume.

As we walked around Sunday, I saw something that I would LOVE to have, but probably never will because of the cost. As soon as I saw the girl I knew I had to find where she bought it just to see how much it was. It was this full length, hand-made leather dress.

 

It was GORGEOUS. Once we found the shop and I saw the price tag my heart sank a little because I can't justify that amount of money for a dress that I would only be able to wear every now and then but it did not change the fact that I LOVED it.  (They make some really awesome stuff so click on the pic to go to the website and look around.)

It's things like this that most people in my life would be surprised to find out I like. I love dresses. I actually own too many of them because I find an awesome dress on sale and buy it. Then my lack of self confidence gets in the way and I tend to not actually wear them very often. Very few people actually know that because I am always just wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

I love fun edgy styles and I want to wear some of them so badly but I just can't bring myself to do it. You could see a little of that in my choice for a costume at Halloween. My friend Rachel and I wanted to dress up in something fun for the Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween party. We wanted it to be Disney related but not something everyone else would wear. We decided to go as a punkish version of Cinderella(Rachel) and Snow White(me). We had a blast finding the stuff to wear and playing around with the ideas. I found an awesome tutu online and Torrid or Hot Topic provide most of the rest. I was so excited about it but I must admit, once I put it all on, I became very self conscious and wished I had waited until I was smaller to try a costume like that.

Rachel and I right before we left. I had ditched my wig by this point. (And my purse is an apple)

I can't wait for the day that I feel confident enough to truly be myself and let my personal style shine. I love retro and edgy and glamorous and so much more than what people see me in day to day. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin. I do own a few pairs of fun colored skinny jeans now and I have had a lot of fun wearing them. I still have a lot of insecurities but I am working on them and I know as I see more success I will see many of them fade away. I don't think many people realize how much of yourself is hidden when you are struggling with your weight. I can't wait to fully reveal myself as this journey continues.

Feeling Good

Tonight Mac and I went out for our first Princess training run. It was just 30 minutes but it felt good to get back out there. We were supposed to go for a 3 mile run this weekend as the first run but after walking a ton at the Tex Ren Fest and dealing with being out of town, we didn't do it.

It felt good to get a run in again. It has been a while since I have been out there. I didn't feel great during the run but by the end I was better. My biggest issue was the drastic temperature drop we have had the last few days. This weekend it was still in the 80s and muggy then the cold front came through and today when we went out it was just a little above 50. My lungs hate running in the cold. I read an article recently about how you should breathe while running, especially in colder temps. It said that you should only breathe through your nose because it warms up the air and adds moisture to it. Well, I couldn't handle that. My nose was running like crazy and I swear the cold air gave me brain freeze, haha. So I opted for the second method they recommended, breathing through a scarf or shirt over your mouth to capture heat and moisture. As we ran by the house I asked Mac to run in and grab the neck gator I purchased from Bondi Band last year. (I'm a little jealous looking at the website now because when I bought it last year, they only sold them in black and now they have tons of colors.) I slipped it over my face and instantly it was so much easier to breathe. I have to get used to having it on my face but it definitely made running in the cooler air much easier.

Once we were done I was a little disappointed in my pace as I saved my workout on runkeeper but I was happy I had at least gotten it done. When I got inside to check the map and chart on the computer I realized the map was a little off and once I fixed the few points that were wrong my distance and pace improved and I felt much better about the workout. I still have a long road ahead but taking those first steps really feel good.

Since this time around I am trying to focus on more than just running, I decided to get in my TurboFire workout before I took a shower. I think I am really going to like the program once I get the hang of it. It was easier for me to pick up on the combos today during the Low HIIT workout. Low HIIT stands for low impact High Intensity Interval Training and it will kick your butt. I am glad that it doesn't have all of the jumping that the high HIIT workouts will because after a run, I needed low impact. It was still brutal though. my legs were screaming at me half way through. There were still a few moves that I just couldn't figure out but over all I was able to pick it up pretty quickly and get in a great workout. For those tougher moves, in the future I think I am just going to have to pause the DVD so I can repeatedly do the moves at a slower pace until they make sense to me. I love that the stretching portion of the workouts is a separate thing.(You have to go back to the title screen and select the stretching.) It is the same stretch sequence most days so it is easy to remember how it progresses.

I still need a little while to get used to the program but I really think I am going to enjoy it. I've seen a little success with the 10 Day Challenge this time and I am sure that it will continue as I am running and working out more. Mac has made eating better easier because I'm not just cooking for me. We've tried some fun new things lately and that has been very nice. Some have been a hit and others haven't(for me, Mac loved it) but it is nice having someone who eats almost anything around for those meals that I'm not crazy about. It's also nice being able to actually use an entire loaf of healthy bread without having to throw it away half way through because of mold. When I was alone, even if I had a sandwich for lunch everyday, the bread I buy would go bad too quickly because I only buy stuff that is preservative free. It's the little things like that that are making things easier now that he is home.


Tomorrow is the last day of the challenge so I will be writing a recap on Thursday and letting you know how you can participate in a future challenge if you would like. I have hit one new milestone and I am VERY close to another so I will tell you about both hopefully on Thursday. Things have been going well. Much better than I expected and if I can keep this up, it will be awesome. Now I must go and eat my lemon pepper chicken and couscous, my favorite post workout meal and a great fall back dinner when we can't figure out anything else to eat.

(I'm also working on a post about some of the emotional and mental parts of this kind of journey that came up while we were at Ren Fest. Hopefully I will have it done for you soon.)

Feeling the Burn

TurboFire is no joke. It is a very different workout than Insanity but it is by no means easy. It is much more cardio based while Insanity is more cardio and strength combined. That's ok though because I have some strength circuits that I have done before and really like so I will add them in as well. It is going to take me a little while before I feel completely comfortable with the workouts though due to the sometimes complex combos she uses. It is very fast paced and can take a little while to figure it out and be able to do it to tempo. I also need to sit down and figure out how I am going to modify the schedule as well. I will only do it 5 days a week instead of 6 because our long runs will replace it on Saturdays. What is throwing me off is that the rest day on the schedule is Wednesdays instead of the usual Sundays. I know it's not really too big of a deal but I want to look at the pattern to see if there is a reason or if it will be fine if I just shift things a little.

Man, I'm going to be feeling it in my shoulders tomorrow thanks to all of the punches in the routine. I'm excited about it and I am glad that it is different but I must admit, I miss Insanity a little. I will definitely revisited that program in the future since I know I never got everything out of it that I could. But for now, TurboFire will be a good change of pace and the intense cardio will only help as we start really training for the Princess.

10 Day Challenge(Round 2)

Yesterday I began the 10 Day Challenge again and so far so good. One of the great things already is having Mac home which makes the cooking side of things easier. When I am just cooking for myself, sometimes it is hard to find the motivation or get the portions right. I don't typically eat left overs so food gets wasted unless I take the time to figure out how to cut the recipes down for just one serving. Even all of the recipes in the Beachbody nutrition guides that come with the workout programs all make two servings. Well, now that is perfect with him home. Last night we had Chicken Satay which was very tasty and pretty simple. Tonight we ate out since we were in San Antonio to see some friends on their honeymoon but we were still smart about it. We split an entree that was a tilapia and shrimp dish. It was the perfect size for two and very yummy. We have looked through the menus Lindsey provided me as well as those found in the nutrition guides I have from beach body and we have been planning what we want to have later this week, including a few crock pot meals that Mac will toss in on his lunch break so we can have them for dinner.

I didn't start my workouts like I had planned yesterday due to a minor issue with one of my legs(nothing major, just annoying enough to make working out difficult) and we were supposed to run tonight but that changed when we made the last minute trip to SA. I don't feel bad about today though because we walked close to 4 miles with our trip to the San Antonio Museum of Art and back. My only regret was that I was wearing the WRONG shoes and ended up with a couple blisters. Fortunately, there is a CVS on the Riverwalk and they had blister treatment band-aids so now I'm good to go.

I'm really looking forward to this 10 Day Challenge because I can feel a change in the air. I've lost about 7 lbs since the last challenge and so I am excited to see what I can accomplish now. I really feel like this is my time and that this challenge will be the perfect jump-start for what's to come.



Here we go...(again) <-- and="and" as="as" be="be" being="being" but="but" change="change" decided="decided" far="far" from="from" i="i" is="is" it.="it." it="it" may="may" my="my" of="of" original="original" political="political" post="post" realized="realized" so="so" taken="taken" that="that" the="the" then="then" this="this" title="title" to="to" was="was">

He's HOME!!

So in my last super short post, I hinted to lots of things going on. Most of those things revolved around the fact that my husband was coming home. He arrived last night and I couldn't be happier. Now that he is home, things will really be shifting into a new gear for me health and fitness wise. I will start of by participating in the 10 day challenge again and this time I will be able to complete it. It will be easier to cook better meals because I will not be cooking for just one anymore. Mac will sort of be doing the 10 Day Challenge with me since I will be cooking better and we will begin our half marathon training this week. I will also be starting a new fitness program. I kept having a hard time restarting Insanity and I knew I just needed something different but wasn't sure what to do. Then this week Beachbody had a huge sale on TurboFire which is a program I have looked into several times but didn't want to spend over $100 on it when I already had programs here that I could use. When they dropped the price this week, I jumped on it. I literally waited on the website and kept hitting refresh until the price dropped and the sale officially started. As soon as I saw the new price, I bought it and it arrived in the mail yesterday. I'm really excited for what is in store for me over the next few months. I feel like I have really figured out a lot of things I was missing and now with the support and help of my husband being by my side, I know I can make some huge changes.

Here's to the future and the end of a really hard year...

I'm still here, I promise.

Sorry I have been so quiet lately. There has been a lot going on that I will be able to talk more about soon.

Also, I will be starting the 10 Day Challenge again on Monday so look forward to updates about that as well.

Sorry, that's all I've got for now. There will be more soon, I swear.

Want to join me?

Here is the info for next month's 10 Day Challenge if you would like to join me. Contact Lindsey today to sign up!

Update about 10 Day Challenge

So I figured I would let you all know about the decision that Lindsey and I came to today about the 10 Day challenge. I have been having a hard time due to stress and all the things that come with the end of a deployment so my focus has not been fully where it should be. Even though I have made some progress and done alright in some areas, I have fallen short in others and I have not used this time to its fullest. For that reason I am no longer officially participating in this 10 Day Challenge but instead I will take part in her November challenge after my husband has returned. I'm so happy that she was understanding of my situation and gave me this option instead of allowing me to feel like I failed when sometimes life just gets in the way. I look forward to taking the challenge much more seriously next month and having the accountability of my husband as well. I was so excited about participating because I felt like it would be a great way to get a good head start on the next few months and while I still feel like it could do that for me, I feel like this was simply bad timing. I look forward to seeing what I can really accomplish when my head is on better and my life feels a little more normal.

That does not mean I am going to slack off over the next few weeks. I am still going to try to watch what I am eating and get back into my regular workouts, I am just getting rid of the added stress of the challenge while I have so many other things to worry about.

Why

At the beginning of the 10 Day Challenge, Lindsey asked us what our why was and asked us to share it with her. It took me a little while to figure out my why for the challenge but I have known my whys for my journey ever since I really got serious about it.

It is very important to have a very clear understanding of your "whys" when you are on a journey to getting healthy. Not only why you want to be healthy, but also why you need to get healthy. I don't mean the nutritional benefits or for your family but what caused you to get to a point where you needed to change. What got you to the point of needing to exercise and eat better. What were you eating and WHY? People don't always realize it but so much of why we end up in those bad places has to do with low self esteem, feeling worthless or lost. Emotional eating or just giving up on yourself. I am about to share my "why" for doing the 10 Day Challenge that I shared with her, but within it is a big "why" for how I ended up needing this journey so badly. What follows was taken directly from the email I sent her.

Earlier you asked for our "why." I haven't answered because there is a lot to mine, especially concerning my journey as a whole. But I finally figured out my why for this part of my journey other than helping me get back on track and heading where I want to be. My why is to say goodbye to 240 forever. Ever since my husband deployed last November I have yo-yoed between 240 and 235. I have been proud of myself that despite the issues I have had this deployment, I have not gained much weight back but I can't seem to leave 240 behind. Every time I lose a few pounds, something happens and I slip up and I always see 240 again. I haven't let myself get over 240 but I can't seem to leave it behind.

I remember when I hit 240 the first time. It was almost five years ago(January will be 5 years) Mac had just commissioned and started his army career that September, on September 30th we celebrated our first anniversary and in October I moved to El Paso to live in a hotel with him for 5 months. I knew I had had been gaining weight since we got married(and before) and so while in El Paso, I decided to try to get in shape since I had nothing else to do while he was in classes. I went to walmart and bought a scale and I was in the 230s at the time. The longer we lived in that hotel room, the more we ate out and the these I did. I was in a strange place, far from family and friends and living out of a suitcase. I was sad and lonely. I remember when I hit 239, I swore I was never going to hit 240 and tried to start working out. There was an indoor pool just across the street from out hotel and we were allowed to use it. I used to love to swim so I decided I would go. I went in and I was immediately intimidated by the soldiers in there swimming. I still got in the pool but after about 2 laps, I had to get out because I started having a panic attack. I was so ashamed of what I had become and so intimidated by how fit the people around me were that I could not stop crying or catch my breathe. I calmed down enough to get to the locker run and collect my things before crying all the way back to our room. I was so ashamed. the next week I hit 240 and I think that is when I really just gave up. I would "try" to get in shape or lose weight but it was never wholehearted from that point on. Not until the day I tried to do the Princess the first time. That was the day that everything changed and those 8 miles saved my life.

It's time for me to leave 240 behind forever. As of right now, the scale says 235 and hopefully I will keep moving forward. I haven't really been working out the way I should but I am determined that this week, I will get back into my insanity workouts on a regular basis and I will continue to make strides in the right direction. I won't be where I want to be when Mac gets home but I will still be a better me and once he is here, we will begin our half training together. He will also make the cooking easier since I will finally be cooking for more than just myself.

10 Day Challenge - The begining

So with the end of this deployment quickly approaching, I have hit full on panic mode because I am not where I wanted to be when Mac came home. I have not accomplished the things I wanted to while he was gone and I don't want to fall into old patterns. Don't get me wrong, I have made a lot of strides and I am in better shape than I was when he left. I am in a LOT better shape than I was when he left but no one can see that because I am basically the same size that I was. I have lost a little weight but not a lot. Even though I have completed two half marathons, a ten miler, 2 obstacle course 5Ks and an 8K in the past 10 months,  I don't really look very different. I can see some of the changes, but no one else can. When I tell people I have done two half marathons this year, I still get the same baffled expression as they try to figure out why I am still so fat if I can do that. The reason why is because even though I have figured out the fitness part, I have let the food slide. It is so incredibly hard to cook for just one person. I have tried to make the right decisions but so many times, easy wins out. I was doing really well for the last half of my first month of Insanity. I actually dropped about 6 lbs when I got the food right. I was drinking only water and eating mostly clean. I felt good and I was seeing results. Unfortunately everything fell apart when I got sick and then reacted to the meds. It totally knocked me off of my game and I have been struggling to find my way back.

That is why I have decided to do this 10 day challenge with Beachbody coach Lindsey. As part of the challenge, Lindsey gives us a 10 day meal plan as well as a 10 day supply of Shakeology. I will be doing Insanity again Since I am determined to see it through to the end. As you know from past posts, I have tried Shakeology before and I like it, I just typically have a hard time sticking with it. I am hoping that as part of this challenge, I will have the incentive and the accountability to make sure I stick with everything every day. The biggest reason I decided to do this challenge was for the meal plan. I needed ideas for healthy meals and getting that meal plan has actually made me excited about what I am going to be eating the next 10 days. I went down to Central Market(basically Whole Foods but only in TX) this weekend and stocked up on fresh produce and all natural ingredients for my meals.

I'm excited about the possibilities and I am hopeful about my results. Once the challenge wraps up and I will do a recap of my time and let you know how it goes.  For now, here is the info on the challenge I am participating in. At the end of the challenge, I will post info on her November challenge in case any of you would like to participate.

Wounded Warrior 8K Recap

Sorry this is a little late but life got very crazy right after this race. Better late than never, here is my race recap of the Wounded Warrior 8K on September 16th in San Antonio, TX. 

To say that the Wounded Warrior Race was my toughest race to date would be an understatement. Yes, this race that was just under 5 miles was harder than any of the half marathons I have done or tried to do. The conditions were MISERABLE.

I've been in TX for almost 5 years now so I have gotten very used to the dry weather and heat.  The first year we lived here we got a decent amount of rain for TX but it was still very sporadic. Well, this year we have gotten the most rain I think I have seen since we have been here. It was still only really in the spring and then some in the late summer. I think that is why the weather the weekend of the race caught me so off guard. Even though I knew there was rain in the area, I never expected it to rain as much as it did so I was not fully prepared. I did not have a rain coat or less"breathable" shoes and most importantly, I didn't have a hat. I can handle rain as long as it isn't in my face and not having a hat was a huge part of the problem. I thought about going to find a store to buy one the night before but I noticed that the website said they would have WW merchandise on hand so I figured I could just pick one up at the race. WRONG! The only things they had were water bottles and stretchy bracelets. I knew right then that it was going to be a big problem. There were several times while we were sitting there waiting that I thought about just going home. I had already raised the money for Wounded Warrior Project and they would get that whether I ran or not. Honestly, had the race been closer to home, I wouldn't have done it. But because it was a 2 1/2 hour drive down there and I had gotten a hotel the night before, I figured it would be stupid to spend that money and then not run the race. Thank God, the hotel had a noon check out time because that gave me enough time after the race to take a shower and warm up before I had to be out of there.

As we waited for the race to start it started raining harder and harder.  This pic shows the puddle next to the shelter that kept growing as we waited. 

By the time the race actually started it was coming down really good and had been raining long enough that there was water standing everywhere. The race was in a park on a trial that would have been very very nice, had it not been raining. It was all under trees so it would have been shaded but instead it meant we were being pelted with giant drops falling off of the leaves instead of just the rain. There were at least 8 times that I had to run in ankle deep(or deeper) water. These weren't little puddles you could go around either. They were typically at least 10 feet of the trail and no way around. One of them was about 50 feet long and running water that was rushing down a slope next to the trail. I ran the first 2 miles of the race in my hoodie because at least that kept me warmer and the rain out of my eyes but after mile 2 I found a volunteer that was willing to take it back to the start for me because it weighed at least 10 lbs( literally, I weighed it when I got home and it was 10lbs. after it had dried some) 

I did my best to do my intervals even though every part of me just wanted to say "screw it" and go home. I knew the entire time that I could have done better if the weather had been good but regardless, I was going to do the best that I could given the circumstances. By the end of the race, I was tired, pissed, cold, soaked to the bone and miserable. As I finally saw the finish line, I pushed harder trying to finish strong. As I crossed the line, the announcer congratulated me and then said "Hey, Beautiful, you did it!" I kept moving forward and didn't think anything of it. Then he said again, "Hey, Beautiful, turn around!" Knowing I was the only one there at the time I knew he was talking to me so I turned and smiled at him. Then he said, "There you go, smile, it's over now, you did it." He was right, I did it. I know I wasn't even close to being beautiful in that moment but I had done it. 

My head was burning from me wiping it so much trying to keep the water out of my eyes and the inside of my arms were on FIRE from being rubbed against my wet shirt while I ran. I grabbed my stuff and headed to the car, knowing that even though it sucked and even though it was the hardest race yet, I did my best and walked away with a PR. 

This is me right after the race, soaking wet and just wanting to be warm and dry. Fortunately, my phone is water resistant and I was still able to use it for my intervals and music during the race.

This is what the rub marks on my arms looked like. It was so incredibly painful but fortunately it healed quickly.

MIA

Sorry I have been MIA lately. So much has been going on. I have had some highs and lows through the last few weeks, and I have a few things I need to post about. The main thing I need to do is recap the Wounded Warrior 8K that I ran on Sept 16th. I am glad I did it but it was definitely my toughest race so far due to the conditions of the day. I've been back home in Georgia for that last two weeks for a trip with my best friend and for a wedding that my mom and I were basically the wedding planners for. I haven't kept up with food and exercise like I really wanted to but I am not beating myself up about it either. I will be back home in a few days and I plan to kick it into high gear these last few weeks until Mac comes home especially. Then once he is here we will begin training and working out together. Hopefully I will get a chance to really post once I am back in TX. Please bear with me and thanks for sticking around.

Forward Motion

So I just did my workout for the day and cried when I was done.

I have been so scared of starting back because of how long it has been since I did my last workout and how sick I was two weeks ago. I was so afraid I wasn't going to be able to do it or that I was going to be starting from scratch. I pushed myself harder than ever before and I was shocked at how well I did. I was exhausted and I had to stop a few times but I did it. I was able to do more than I expected to do and at a higher intensity. I was so happy when I was done that I actually started to cry.

It was good to get that first workout out of the way. I was supposed to start back last week but I let my whirlwind trip to Georgia keep me derailed a little longer. It was a good excuse but the real reason was that I was scared. After the sinus infection and medication issues and all that went along with all of that, I was completely sidelined for two weeks. I tried to workout a couple of times while I was sick or on the stronger meds and I just couldn't do it. My body was not able to handle it all at once. Not doing ANYTHING for two full weeks scared the crap out of me and so I ended up spending another week not really doing the things that I should. I ate horribly, sometimes because I didn't have a ton of choices(airports) and other times because I just gave in to the excuses. I can't wait to get back into a better food routine again because I felt like CRAP while I was eating crappy food, imagine that.

It is hitting me how soon it will be before my husband is home and how I haven't done everything I had planned during this deployment. I am not letting that get me down though. I do better when Mac is here with me. he is my best friend and my biggest supporter. Plus when he gets home we will start training for the Princess so we will be working out together. I'm going to do my best to make a difference during the final weeks of this deployment and then continue to work hard once he is home.


I was talking with a couple friends the other day and I mentioned the goal that I set for myself to be in better shape by my 30th birthday. It hit me that my 30th birthday is closer than I would like but I still have about 8 months to really make a big change. I am so much more confident of that fact as I sit here now than I have ever been before.

Finding Myself

I have come to realize during this journey that I have been slowly losing pieces of myself over the last few years. Things that I once loved have been missing from my life for quite a while and I want to get them back. My lack of self confidence and self worth have bled over into other areas and robbed me of the things that once brought me joy.

My insecurities with my physical appearance and ability have tainted my feelings towards things that I once loved and felt good about. I've always been a creative person and found outlets in things like photography and crafting. I used to build things all the time and it has been forever since I have truly created anything. I have let my photography slip onto the back burner because I felt that I wasn't as talented as I once believed and therefore I shouldn't continue. I miss having these creative outlets and though I have had a million ideas, I have not followed through for fear of failure and rejection and allowing my insecurities to win.

I've decided to take steps to bring these things back into my life. As I do that, I may end up talking about them here. No this isn't a part of my diet or workout routine but it is a part of finding myself which is the number one thing that has to happen if I want to succeed. I have a lot going on over the next two months. I hope to find the time and energy to get it all done and share it with you. I am trying to fill my time to keep me from going crazy during the last weeks of this deployment.

I want to feel like me again.

Whirlwind

So much has happened since my last post and most of it hasn't been great. A few days after the 5K I woke up with a horrible headache that did not go away for several days. I finally made it to the Dr. and was diagnosed with a sinus infection. They gave me antibiotics and sent me on my way. The next day I was back at the clinic though because I broke out in a rash of red spots all over my body. Fortunately, they did not itch but it did make me feel a little nervous. They decided it was a reaction to the antibiotics and gave me something different. After two more days, I still had the spots so back to the Dr I went. That is when they gave me prednisone and that has been a ride. I haven't been sleeping well and it has affected my mood but thankfully the spots have been going away.

I haven't been able to really keep my routine going because of the health issues but I am finally feeling better so my plan is to jump back in full force on Monday. I am restarting the workout program that I have been doing the last month and a half. This was a decision that I have been toying with for a while. The program is very intense and starting where I did, I knew I had a long way to go. Once I hit the half way point, I knew I could push on if I wanted to but I felt like I would get more out of it and have better results if I repeated the first half again. I am looking forward to it because of how strong I have gotten over the past six weeks and I know hitting it again full force can only lead to better things. It will also work out perfectly for it to wrap up right before Mac gets home. I will also be starting a new active multivitamin with the program. I have been meaning to take a multivitamin but I have been slacking. I am hoping to get into that routine as well in the future.

There will be LOTS going on over the next two months. I will be traveling back to GA for a spontaneous trip next week to take part in an amazing opportunity at Turner Field before a Braves game. It will be a quick trip but I am so extremely excited about it. I am sure there will be a more in depth post about it next week because even though this experience may not be a step in my journey, baseball and my love of the game and "my team" have been a huge part of my life. I will also be flying back later in the month for another Disney trip and then a wedding and another Braves game(on my anniversary.) Then I will be heading back to TX to get ready for the love of my life to come home.

I'm excited about what is to come and I am excited about what I see ahead of me. I know that there are a lot of things that haven't gone exactly as I had planned but I have learned a lot and I feel like good things are in store. Hopefully, most of the craziness is behind me and now I can focus on the great things to come.

I am strong

I decided last week that I was going to run the Hotter than Hades 5K on post again this year. I haven't been running much in the last few weeks and there have been several reasons for that. But after I had such a good run last weekend, I decided to give it a try. Plus I need to start working in a run every now and then to get ready for the Wounded Warrior 8K. Since I did two miles last weekend, I figured a 5K would be good for my next run. I finally really decided to do it the night before. My sleep schedule has been off so I knew getting up for it was going to be hard but I decided to try.

When my alarm went off I had only gotten about 3 hours of sleep.  Getting up was HARD. I was debating with myself about whether I was going to go back to sleep or give it a try. Finally, I forced myself to get up and get ready. I grabbed a bottle of water and headed to the start. This was the first time I had gone to one of these 5Ks completely alone. That made it hard. Usually I either have a friend with me that is also running it or Mac is there. Not having him there was harder than I expected. He has never run one of them with me because when I was doing them last year, he had a stress fracture and couldn't run. But that meant he was always at the finish line.

We got lined up for the start and waited for the gun. I started RunKeeper as I crossed the start line to prompt my intervals and track my actual time since there are no chips, just a race clock that starts with the gun. I did my usual with this course and walked the first 5 minutes as my warm up. I've made the mistake of trying to run from the start before and it typically ends badly since the entire first half mile is up hill. After my first five minutes I ran the last little bit of the incline before making the turn to go back. The one mile mark is also the finish line so as I got close to it I realized I was making pretty good time. In the past, when I was passing the clock at the end of my first mile, the winners were crossing the finish line. This time, they were still about a quarter of a mile away. It made me happy and gave me a boost in confidence that I could finally finish near my goal 5K time.

I really wanted to finish in like 45-46 minutes. I have never sustained a 15 min mile pace for more than 2 miles but I was hopeful. I was doing my new favorite intervals of one minute running and one minute walking. I felt good and I knew I was keeping a pretty good pace. After the first two miles I was thinking I could actually do it in 44 something which was a little mind boggling for me. I could feel that I was getting a little tired(which I think had a lot to do with the humidity) but I kept pushing forward. Finally I was close enough to see the finish even though I was about a quarter of a mile away.

 As I got closer to the finish, I thought that the clock said 44 something when I was still too far to make it so I gave up on a sub 45 minute time. But then when I was about 50 yards away, I saw that it said 44:24 and I realized I could make it, especially if I pushed harder. I took a deep breath and sped up for the last little bit to push to the finish line. There was a guy at the finish line cheering me on and waiting to give out high fives to everyone. As I crossed the line with a clock time of under 45 minutes I hit his hand and sort of yelled "yes!" A teenage guy on the side of the road laughed at me and at first it ticked me off but then I decided I didn't care. I had just done something that a year ago, I never thought was possible. I grabbed my phone and checked my actual time and was shocked to see 44:28. I was not only under 45 minutes I was more than 30 seconds under 45 minutes. I know this is not a great time for most people but for a woman that ran her first 5K with an average pace of over and 18 minute mile a year and a half ago, come in under 45 minutes is a huge deal.

I was a little embarrassed about my reaction at the finish and the guy laughing at me. I started to just run straight to my car but I decided I needed water first. Finally, we found some cups and I was able to get some cold water before heading to the parking lot. As I was walking away, a guy standing near by called out" Good job." I was caught a little off guard but I thanked him and kept walking. As I crossed the start line again  I saw that it said "I am strong." Of course it said this because it's the Army and they are playing off of the Army Strong motto, but it sort of hit me that it was true for me for many reasons. I decided to take a picture of it as a reminder. There was a family walking by as I snapped the photo and the dad asked me if I could take a picture of his family and text it to him. I said of course, even though his wife was embarrassed that he even asked.  As we were talking he congratulated me as well. I said something about being laughed at but that I didn't care because I was 10 minutes faster than ever before. His wife said "Screw 'em" and he told me that when I crossed the finish line, he wanted to run out there and give me a hug but he was afraid it would freak me out. He said he could tell I had done my best and it touched him to see someone giving their all. We all continued walking to the parking lot together and talked a little more. they were telling me that this was the first time they had run as a family and that was why they wanted the picture. I told them about my half marathons and that I was dragging Mac into doing my next one with me. Then we said our goodbyes and went on our way.

As I climbed in the car I realized how far I have truly come. No I still am not seeing the results on the scale or with the tape measure that I want but I can tell my body is changing. Clothes are fitting differently. I feel better and I am getting so much stronger. I am faster and I am more fit. I know I am making changes for the better and I know that if I stick with it, I will eventually see some results.

I'm really glad I got out of bed.

A good reminder

 Once I got home, I checked out what had been uploaded to RunKeeper and I was shocked to see how steady my paces really were. You can also see where I kicked it up at the end for the finish.

My Rock

 I wrote this post a while back and today when this new Subaru commercial made me cry, I decided it was time to post it. 

I love this commercial because it reminds me so much of Mac and the strength he has been for me. When I did the Princess the first time, knowing that I would see Mac at certain places was truly the only thing that kept me going at times. Not having him there for either race this year was very, very hard but I knew he would be calling as soon as I finished and with the circumstances, that was enough.

______________________________

I am reminded constantly how amazing my husband is. Other ladies in various running groups that I am a part of sometimes talk about how their husband isn’t being supportive in one way or another. Whether it is that they are telling their wives that they can’t do it, deciding not to show up and cheer them on, or just brushing it off like it is no big deal I am always baffled when I read these things. My husband has been my biggest cheerleader since we have been together. He has always loved me however I looked but has also appreciated when things start looking a little better. When I decided to sign up for the first Princess, he was right there beside me. He knew it was going to be a long hard road but he supported me in what I was trying to do. He went out on training runs with me and even slowed down to my snail pace so that we were always together. When I got frustrated and stopped training, he didn’t scold or push me too hard. He knew it was something that I had to do for myself. When I tried to back out of even showing up, he reminded me that at least we would get to go to Disney. When I felt like I couldn’t take another step around the 4 mile mark, he was at the TTC spectator area to give me a kiss and tell me he loved me. He gave me the strength to keep pushing on. When I saw him again at mile 8 and said I was done, he said he loved me and would meet me in Epcot. When we reunited after I got off the bus, he told me he was proud of me. And when I told him I wanted to try again, he said go for it. After the first Princess, when he found out he had another stress fracture, he hopped on his bike and road with me every time I went out for a run. When he deployed, he asked about my running when we talked. When I ran the Tink, he tracked me online and when I crossed the finish line, he called me to congratulate me and did the same for the Princess a month later.

He has been absolutely amazing through this entire journey. He has never once discouraged me from signing up for a race. We made the decision together that I would not sign up for the 2013 Tink but if I had said I really wanted to do it, he would not have stopped me. When I pasted a link on FB about a race in Vancouver, he was excited about the possibility of a vacation up there next year.

Now that he has seen me reach a few goals, he is looking at joining me for the next half. Next year this princess will be running with her Prince Charming at the 5th Anniversary Princess Half. When I asked him if he was going to run ahead and try to get a good time he laughed and said no because then we wouldn’t be running together. Even though he and I both know he could finish with a much better time than me, he wants to be with me instead. I love him more than I can ever say and I thank God everyday for placing him in my life. He is my rock, my biggest fan, and my biggest motivation. I want a life full of adventures with him and  to do all we want to do, I have to make these changes for me. 

 ______________________________

The last few days have been tough because with his new job, we haven't been able to talk very much. Things have been going well with my training and I am finally seeing some real results and it has been hard not being able to share that with him. The good news is we are in the last quarter of this deployment so I will have my best friend home soon. Until then I will be working my hardest to make a big change before he sees me again. I want him to come home to a new me.

My new slow

I went for a short run tonight. Just 2 miles because I haven't ran in a while and because on my build up to the 8K it is a good starting point. One of the reasons I haven't been running is because I have been doing a workout program at home that works my whole body instead of just my legs. Running this past year has definitely helped my lower body but I want to work everything so I decided to take a little time to focus on the rest while I can and then in a few months I will focus on running more again as we begin training for the Princess.

Anyway, back to tonight's run, I wasn't excited about it since I haven't ran in a while and it is HOT. It was still 90 when I went out at midnight. I knew I wasn't going to be my best but I was going to do the best I could given the temps and my aching ankle. I am pretty sure it is just an arthritis flare up but it is enough to be uncomfortable after a while. I decided to take it easy and just go back to my trusted 1/1 intervals. I decided pretty early on that I really love doing one minute intervals. It just feels right. It is long enough to get a good run stretch in but not push too far and long enough to get a good recovery without slowing down too much. I used RunKeeper to track my run. It was pretty much for the time because I knew how many laps of the neighborhood I needed to hit my two miles but I also like being able to see my instantaneous pace while I am looking at the graph after my run. 

During my run I felt slow, but at the same time, I could tell I was faster than I used to be. I started thinking about the fact that my old "fast" may be my new "slow." I walked a few intervals that were supposed to be runs and my five minute warm up was included in my time so there was more walking than running during my two miles. Even with all of that, I was shocked with the average pace I saw when I was finished. My old fast is not my new slow, my new slow is a minute and a half FASTER than my old fast.

It gives me hope and makes me realize I am doing things right even though sometimes it feels like I'm not. I'm still not seeing a big drop on the scale but at least I know that my body is getting better even if I don't see the results. It is hard still to hear that my dad has lost 50 pounds in 5 months by just changing his diet and I have been eating better and working my ass off and I have to fight for every pound. Don't get me wrong, I am super proud of him and glad he is getting healthy, but it is still hard when I look at how hard my journey has been.

I know I am making progress and I have faith that I am going to see bigger changes soon. It fans that fire in me a little more to keep going and not give up, because believe me, in the last few weeks, I have seriously considered giving up. I will get healthy and I will become the woman I want to be.

Working out at home

I'm really enjoying having a space for working out and a good program to do at home. It is making my journey a little easier. I don't have to get ready and go somewhere to work out. I don't have to pay a gym membership and I can do it whenever I want. But probably the BEST thing about working out at home is that I can wear WHATEVER I want. Being the size that I am, I would never be comfortable working out in just shorts and a sports bra in public, but in the comfort of my own home, no problem. It is so nice not having to worry about what I look like. It means that I can focus on what I am doing, not how I am feeling due to insecurities. I think maybe this was exactly what I need.

Moving Forward

I had a really good workout tonight.. It was tough but good. I was worried about it because the plan I am doing is very intense. I had to take lots of breaks and there were some moves I just couldn't do. But I tried my best, did what I could and sweated a lot. I'm really hoping I can stick with it and see it through to the end. I feel like if I can stick it out, I will see some really good results.

Here's hoping I'm on the right path forward.

Being an adult sucks sometimes

Well, it's official. Mac and I are no longer registered for the 2012 Wine & Dine Half *sigh* Oh well. It was a pipe dream to begin with. I was really hoping things were going to work out for him to be home early enough for us to do it but that just isn't the case and the sooner we face that, the better. I was driving myself CRAZY trying to figure out how to plan a trip that we wouldn't know if we could make until about 5 days before. There was no good way to plan it. We were going to have to book a room only so that if we had to cancel last minute we could. We were going to have to priceline tickets the day before leaving more than likely and if everything fell through we would have to cancel everything. Our biggest concern was the race registration.

Before we ever signed up, Mac contacted runDisney and explained out situation and asked what would happen if we couldn't make it. They told him that since he was military and it was duty related, they would transfer his registration and wave any fees. They did not tell us how late they would be willing to do it. The more I thought about it, the more I worried that if we called at the last minute, they would tell us it was too late. We finally faced the reality that it was just impossible. Even if everything was timed perfectly and he did get home in time and all of his soldiers were home before we had to leave, it would still be too close. A trip like that is always a little stressful and undertaking something like that so close to homecoming could be overwhelming.

We finally just made the decision to contact them now and transfer. Mac is now going to be running the Princess with me in Feb.  As much as I want to do the Wine & Dine(and we WILL do it one day) I think it is fitting that he runs the Princess with me. (Also, every time I think about it I die laughing because his bib will say Prince William, haha.) The Princess means a lot to me and I would love to be able to share that with him. I'm excited about it but still a little sad. I wish I had waited to sign up for the Princess because then we could have just transferred mine as well but since I was impatient and didn't think, my registration is now being deferred to the next W&D. I know we made the right decision, it's just that sometimes being an adult sucks.

Focus

I'm trying to really buckle down and focus on the next 3 1/2 months. The next 9 weeks especially are key. I'm starting a new workout program that should really push me. I will tell you what it is and talk more about it AFTER I have finished it. I may try to keep a log of sorts on my computer that I can post when it is all over but we'll see. I just want to do the program and see what it can do for me in completion before I talk about it too much. So far, I have yet to actually complete any workout plan from beginning to end. I didn't even finish my half training last year, but I fortunately did enough to finish two races.

I am  focusing more on my food, too. Make sure I am properly fueled and eating good foods will be a big part of the next 9 weeks as well. I'm still figuring out what that means and how to do it but I'll get there. I'm paying more attention to what is in the foods I am eating and trying to be cleaner. I have been doing really well with my water lately. So much so that I was going through a 36 bottle case of water in 3-4 days. So I wised up and found new filters for our water filter.(Our water is very, very hard and tastes horrible. I can't drink it unless it is filtered.)

I have also started a few projects around the house. I know that may not seem health and fitness related but it is key to my emotional health. I want to be happy with and in my environment and I also need something to focus on and be excited about. A chance trip to a store  lead to me finding a piece of furniture that I fell in love with. It cost more than I wanted to pay but as I thought about it, I realized I could build it. Now I and in the process of building and revamping a whole new dining set for us. I am BEYOND excited about it and it feels good to have something that I want to do so much. I miss working with my hands. I miss having a creative outlet. I still have a few things I need to find but once I do, there will be no stopping me, haha.

Fear

Fear is a crippling thing if you let it. More times than not, my failures in this journey have been the result of fear. But something amazing has happened the times that I have decided to face those fears. The first was when I attempted the Princess the first time. I was so scared of failing that I had no idea what an amazing thing I could gain from it. I tried and I failed, but it gave me the drive and determination to try again and I have now completed not one but two half marathons.

Another time that I decided to face a fear head on was a little different though. When Mac and I traveled during his block leave before deployment we went to a place called the Enchanted Rock. It is a large pink granite rock that the native Americans believed was magic. It is definitely an unusual and awesome sight and truly a giant rock. There are hiking trails to the top and we decided to climb. Most of the trails are pretty much straight up. Once you get so high, there are no trails at all. You are just on a huge rock and you figure out how to go up. I kept thinking we were getting there then we would get to the top of a ridge and see that there was still a ways to go. I was getting tired and I was getting scared. We were getting pretty high and it was very windy. There were no trees or anything to grab if you felt unsteady. After a while, I sat down and said I had gone far enough.. I told Mac to go on without me. 

I sat there staring out, very down and disappointed with myself. I hated that I was chickening out. I hated that I was quitting. I started thinking about my journey and how far I have come. I thought about my husband standing on top of that rock. Finally, I stood up, turned around and started walking up. After a few minutes I was at the top with Mac. He was a little surprised to see me but happy as well. We weren’t at the highest point, that was  off to the side and a little too out there for either of us with the wind blowing as hard as it was, but we were close. We talked about why I had decided to keep going and why I was so afraid. I was glad to find out that Mac had taken a picture of me as I was sitting down below. We took pictures of each other looked around a little while and headed back down. I had done it, I had faced another fear and it paid off. 

It's one of the big reasons I want to change. There are so many things that my husband loves and would love to do with me but I won't because I am too scared. It's odd for me to say that because looking back as a child, I was fearless. High school broke my spirit and then during and after college when I gained the weight, I lost all confidence in myself and my abilities. That fear has gripped me and affected my life for more years than I care to admit. 

So many times I feel like what is still holding me back is fear. Fear of failing, fear of not being able to lose the weight, but also fear of success and what it would mean for my life to completely change. Fear of the unknown. I’ve been stuck in this place so long that I am afraid of anything else. I trying to face those fears and move forward but it is not an easy step to take. 

 The tiny dot in the middle of the road is me.

At the top

Scratch that

This whole training and weight loss thing is a lot of trial and error. Eventually you start finding the things that work and ditching the ones that don't.

That's what I am about to do with my current running plan. I was trying to redo the Weight Watchers 5K program that I did last year. When I did it the first time, I had some issues with cramping up that made the longer run intervals hard. I thought it was just because I hadn't been running. Well, apparently that isn't necessarily the case since after running for over a year and doing to half marathons, I am still having those issues when I get into the longer run intervals. So I am rethinking my run plan to try to work around this problem.

I'm also dealing with some frustrations over the fact that I may be training for a half marathon that I won't actually be running. Things are still so uncertain with Mac's homecoming(and will be until he is here) that it is making it hard for us to plan anything for it. he is supposed to be calling runDisney tomorrow to discuss some of the logistics with them to see if we have to scrap it all together or if we still may be able to pull something out of our hats. All of the uncertainty is KILLING me.

For now, I'll run as if we will be there and pray every day that it works out that way.

Tears

My poor husband, I feel sorry for what he has to listen to sometimes. I hate it when we are talking through a video call and I end up blubbering through the entire conversation. I try to "be strong" and I try not to cry but some days I just can't help it. This week has been full of ups and downs. I just returned to our home in TX late Sunday night. The last time I was here, it was mere days after he left to go back to the Middle East to finish out his deployment. Deployments are always full of highs and lows. Unfortunately, I am currently facing a low. We are winding down and it seems like the end may be in sight but it is still far enough away to feel like forever. I want the next 4 months to fly by and slow down all at once.

All of the deployment emotions simply compound the emotions of this journey. So many people don't understand how much of an emotional battle losing weight really is for someone as large as I am. It always frustrates me when smaller people make it out like it is so simple. "Just eat right and exercise and you'll get there." Sorry, it doesn't actually work that way. Sure if you eat right and exercise you will lose weight but if you don't find, confront and deal with the issues that got you where you are, you'll be back there before you know it. I've been dealing with a lot of jealousy, disappointment and fear lately.

I am mad at myself for not being further along in this journey by now. I am frustrated that after all the work I've put in, I still can't see a lot of results. I really wanted Mac to come home to a new wife but I feel like I have wasted the last 8 months and though I can still make a change, it won't be as big as the one he deserves. I keep trying to figure out why I haven't just done it and every time I think about it, all I can think of is how scared I am. I am terrified that I will try and still fail. That I will give it my all, eat right, work out all the time, improve my running and still be 230+. Because of this fear and lack of confidence, I have been self sabotaging. I skip workouts when I know I should just do it. I buy things to have as "treats" every once in a while and then sit down and eat the whole box. I start the day off right and eat like I should, then binge later in the day because "what's the point, I'm never going to lose the weight anyway."

The last few weeks though my biggest problem has been the green eyed monster. I look at people that start out smaller than me and lose weight like it is nothing. They jump into intense training plans with no second thought and have great results. They just cut out sodas and the pounds melt off. They decide to start running and their "slow" starting pace is 4 minutes faster than the pace I have worked over a year to get. It pisses me off and hurts more than I can ever say because I have been busting my ass for a year. I am in better shape than most of them yet they are the ones that everyone notices they are losing weight and I'm still just the fat chick. I can run farther and longer than they can. I can do more squats, lunges and hold a plank longer. I can do more sit-ups and crunches but no one sees a change in me and they drop 3 dress sizes in a blink. It's hard to watch that. It is hard to live that.

I spent most of an hour crying while talking to my husband this afternoon. We talked about my plan of attack. What I want to do workout wise and how I am going to tackle some of my eating challenges. He understands because he has a sweet tooth that has kept him around the top of his weight limit for his age in Army standards. He is trying to lose the little bit of belly he has gained since we married. I am going to try a new approach. Instead of repeating the same workout program I did a few months ago, I'm going to try a new one. I've been having trouble getting back into the Slim in 6 program because I started it once already and when I quit I was further along than I am now when I am trying to get back into it. I think I need something new so that I am not constantly reminded that I have backtracked some these last few months. Once I am done or farther along in the new program, I may add it back in, but for now, I need to just walk away from it. I can't keep trying things that are only frustrating me more. I have to find new ways to work hard and get where I want to be. I get so focused on forcing myself to do things a certain way that I forget that sometimes, those things just don't help, they only make it harder. I want to be an athlete again. I want to be a runner. I want to look sexy and feel good about myself.

For now, I just have to remind myself that :

I will make my goals.

I will change my life.

I will become the woman I have always wanted to be.

I will be the wife my husband deserves.

I will succeed.

Oops

So I was supposed to run 3/3 x4 last night but it never happened. I started it but had to stop a little into my second interval because of a cramp I couldn't shake. It didn't help that the humidity was 95% and the mosquitoes were out in droves. I'm sure I came back in with a lot less blood than I went out with.

Yesterday also wasn't the best day food wise. Today hasn't been great either but it hasn't be awful. I'm trying to get it all back in line but it always takes me a few days to settle back in after driving across the country.

It's not always gonna go great and this week is one of those weeks.

Discoveries (R3 / W3 x4)

Well, I just finished my first run back in TX. It was muggy and started raining on me towards the end. It was nice being back in the neighborhood though. It's nice knowing how far each stretch is, being able to run at night with no worries and just being home. It wasn't the easiest run though. With rain in the area, my joints were screaming at me. Sudden changes in atmospheric pressure means I am in pain and then when I try to run, my joints laugh at me. My left ankle was the worst but both knees joined in by the end of the run. While I love the rain, I hate what it does to my body. It's one of the reasons arthritis is a bitch. Exercise can reduce the pain but the pain makes it hard to exercise some days. It's a sucky cycle.Anyway, it was a tougher run than it should have been but I got it done and still finished with a good average pace(for me) even though I know I was running a lot slower than I have been. I guess that is a testament to how far I have come.

Anyway, on to the discoveries mentioned in the title. Today has been full of interesting finds and pleasant surprises. First of all I found some fun, super easy recipes that I am planning on trying soon while blog hopping. Once I test them out, I will probably post more about them and credit those authors. Tonight while trying to get things in order and set up to really start working hard these next few months, I decided to take my measurements again since I haven't done it in a while. The last time I tracked them was in March so I decided to take a new "base line" so I could see my progress over the next few months. Well, I was SHOCKED when I saw that in the last 3-4 months, I have lost 7.5 inches in my waist. I didn't lose a ton in other areas but at least there was a change somewhere. The last few months, the scale has been stuck pretty much so it's been hard, but now I know things have been changing. I'm also interested to see what the scale says on Saturday once everything evens out and calms down. Looking back over old measurements, some numbers had gone up but at least they are coming back down now. Mac will be home in 4 months so I am really kicking it into high gear. Plus, it should help me with the half marathon too as long as I am smart and don't over do it.
 
Also, today when I was on the Princess FB group I discovered a link someone had posted. I clicked on it because it said it was for a women's gps watch and I have been searching for something I liked with no luck yet. This is the video I saw on their Kickstarter page after clicking the link.

I thought it looked really awesome and I was bummed that it isn't currently available. At first I thought about just keeping tabs on them and seeing if they reached their goal and  hoping that I would be able to order it one day. Then the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it and the more I wanted to help them be able to make them. I decided to go ahead and become a backer at a level high enough to get me a watch with gps stick if they get all the funding they need. I figured it was a win-win situation because if they don't reach the goal, I won't be charged, but if they do, I will be getting an awesome gps watch in the spring.

I have been wanting to find a good gps watch for so long and I have yet to find anything that I liked. All of the ones out there are huge and clunky and not really what I want or need. I know Garmin has some smaller models but they are still much bigger than anything I would wont to wear. On top of that, I can't handle the bands on them. The running watch I currently use looks a little funny because I swapped out the plastic band for a cloth wrap band. Even though it is much more comfortable, it can still be really hot because of how thick it is. Most GPS watches would be impossible to change the band on and I would hate to wear it. I also really liked the idea of a separate GPS component but had a hard time finding a watch that had one that would be easy or comfortable to wear. I love that the GPS stick for the Bia can be clipped to my running belt or bra strap and be out of the way and light weight. That also means that if I don;t actually want to wear the watch, I can slide it in my pocket instead of having to make sure it is out so that it can "see" the satellites. I also love that it has a safety tracker that will send info to someone if something happens to you and a tracking feature for races so friends or family can track you as you run. Another major bonus is that both pieces of the unit(watch and gps stick) are water proof! That means you can use them to track swims, not worry if you get super sweaty or dump water on your head as you run with out a care. I really think this little gadget has the potential to be AWESOME and I really hope they can find the support they need to get it off the ground. Please take a moment to check out their product and story and consider backing them especially if you are in the market for a GPS. If not, you can always give a little and just get a tech t-shirt.

R2 / W3 x3

Last night's run went pretty well. I pushed myself to try to keep the same pace each time I did a running interval. By the last run my legs were burning and tired but I was able to do it. It was hot and humid. I'm glad that my next run will be back home because that way I can run at night like I want to and though it will still be hot, it won't be as bad.

R2 / W3 x4

Tonight's run almost didn't happen. I made a few stupid mistakes with not eating enough earlier today so tonight, after swimming with a bunch of kids for 3 hours, I was starving but still tried to run. It was BRUTAL. I really worried for a little while that I may pass out so I decided to stop and head back home. Once we had dinner and I felt a little better, I decided to finish my run since I had only done about half of it. I decided to take the dog(since it was getting dark and dogs usually help keep people from messing with you) and my oldest nephew(14) with me. My second oldest nephew(11) decided to join us as well which was good because I gave the dog to him since he wasn't really worried about running and I knew Bit wouldn't last the whole time. After getting started, I decided that if I felt up to it, I would just do the entire workout over instead of just doing half again. Both boys and the dog stuck with me, though Bit did walk the last interval. She is a very tired puppy now. We did about a mile and a half which isn't a long way but it was still a good pace for me. I kind of wish they would be here to run with me again tomorrow but they will have to leave before I can get it done.

When we went out tonight, after eating, I felt great. The run wasn't too hard and I didn't have any trouble with pain or feeling too worn out. I'm definitely glad I gave it another shot and I will not make the same mistake again.

The Good, The Bad, and The Plan

The Good:
Yesterday, I was in a car for a long time. For once though I was not driving and I had a laptop with a full battery. That meant I was able to knock out a few of the posts I have been wanting to write for a while. I'm not completely sure that they are finished but at least I got most of what I wanted to say down for 3  of the ideas I have had floating in my head. When I was done, I still had 3 hours on my battery and about 2 1/2 hours in the car and I kept kicking myself because I couldn't remember the other things I wanted to write about. Hopefully they will come back to me soon and I can at least jot it down for me to type up later.

I tried to do good on our trip. I did get my first training run in the other night and I tried to make better choices about food even though sometimes I just gave in. Because I was conscious of what I was doing, I was a little surprised that I gained weight over those 5 days. I am thinking that maybe it is mostly water weight from traveling and "the curse" but who knows. I won't know for sure until I am back in TX in a few days and can check on MY scale anyway.

The Bad:
I skipped last night's run. With it being the fourth and us getting back close to fireworks time, I just ended up not finding the time. That is one of the things I hate about being at my parents' house, I can't just go for a run at night. It's just not safe enough. I'm not completely worried because it was just a short 1/1 run for 20 minutes but I still feel bad for skipping it. Tomorrow will be a new interval set and I plan on making sure I get it in.


The Plan:
So I have talked a little about what I am doing training wise but I haven't really gone into detail. The first thing I am doing is a modified version of the WW5K plan that I did last year.(I'm just cutting off the taper week at the end that was supposed to lead up to the scheduled 5K last year) I want to use it to get up to running 30 minutes straight. That way when I begin the Jeff Galloway plan for the Wine and Dine, I will be running non stop on the short 30 minute runs on Tuesday and Thursday and then I will use my intervals on my longer weekend runs. I know that pushing myself to run a full 30 minutes twice a week should help with my pace and endurance and allow me to do intervals longer. Then it is on to the JG training and  I have modified it a little as well.

Mac and I will be starting it later than the schedule says because we will not be doing the longest run. I am not worried about this because that is how I trained before the Tink and I finished it just fine. Last year when I was trying to deal with deployments and motivation and such, I had a hard time getting started when the Tink training plan was supposed to start. Because of that, I decided to just wait and start the Princess plan on schedule. JG includes the Tink in the princess plan since they are so close together. The day of the TInk is the same day as a 12.5 mile run so it is not much more to just do a half. then after that you end up going up to 14 miles before the Princess. After I ran the Tink, I never did the 14 miles so I feel like it won't be that big of a deal for me to just do the same for the Wine and Dine so we chopped off the last few weeks and are just ending it where the 12.5 mile run is on the schedule. That makes it easier for my husband since it means his longer runs won't be during the hottest part of the year in the desert and it gives me time to repeat the 5K program.

I am going to try to type up at least a little blurb after each run about how it went and how I am feeling. This way you can see what I am doing and it holds me accountable for when I skip or want to skip. It will also get me in front of the computer on the blog more and hopefully some more meaningful posts will result as well. Every time I run, I come in to check my tracking stats on RunKeeper so I will just jump on here at the same time to let you all know that I am staying on track. The title will probably just be what ever interval/repetition set I run that night just to keep it simple. Once I figure out my cross training routine when I am back home I will probably do the same for it.

For now, good night!

1/1 x10

So tonight was the first run of the current training plan for the Wine and Dine half(that I pray I actually get to run). It went well. I was faster than I expected considering how long it has been since I have ran consistently and how bad my right calf tightened up on me. I know I am going to have to slow myself down during my runs and take better care to properly hydrate and then I shouldn't have the calf issues. I'll run a modified 5K program for the next five weeks then pick up on a modified version of the JG W&D plan. I'm basically doing what I did to get ready for the Tink which means I am cutting off some of the longer runs at the end of the plan. I know that following it like that will allow me to finish and it will give me a little time to work on my short runs first. It will also make it easier for my husband to start it at the same time since he will be training in the dessert and he needs his long runs to start later.

I'm excited but I need to make sure that I keep my motivation up so that I stay on track. We have a lot of things going on right now and I don't want those things to sidetrack me.

Anyway, I am off to a good start. Once I get settled back in to this routine, I will start adding in some serious cross training. If I want to lose weight, I have to do somehting else because running isn't going to do it.