Social anxiety disorder. Also called social phobia,
this involves overwhelming worry and self-consciousness about everyday
social situations. The worry often centers on a fear of being judged by
others, or behaving in a way that might cause embarrassment or lead to
ridicule.
I suffer from anxiety and depression. It's something I have lived with for a long time. I am pretty good at covering it up, but it is there and those closest to me know. While I have general anxiety issues, I suffer from social anxiety most often. I constantly worry about what others may think or say and any kind of confrontation or possibility of it makes me a nervous wreck.
This anxiety has been an issue with my running since the beginning. Being in large crowds makes me nervous and zaps some of my energy so the corrals before races aren't fun for me. Most of the time it manifests itself in either me becoming very quiet and a little withdrawn or I become agitated and my temper gets short. Typically after a race, I have a very short fuse and get mad very easily because I have been around so many people for so long and the exhaustion from the race doesn't help either. It can also pop up while we are hanging out in the parks at Disney.
Due to the injuries I have dealt with, I haven't ran or done any races since May but I have definitely continued to fight with my anxiety and depression. In some ways, it is actually worse now. Running helped keep the depression a little more under control and being forced to do nothing for so long has had the opposite affect. Add in the fact that my husband just deployed and it all gets even more complicated.
I've been to both Disneyland and Walt Disney World this month and it was interesting both times. Disneyland was the weekend before Mac left the country so I had a lot on my mind. Plus we had to transfer my bib for the half to him since I can barely walk, let alone run. Because of my knee, I had to rent a scooter since I can't walk long enough to last in the parks. Renting the scooter was necessary but it is hard for anyone else to see why I needed it. This was a big trigger for my social anxiety. All I could think about was being judged for using the scooter. I was afraid that people would just see me as a lazy fat person and not realize I was injured since I wasn't wearing a brace or anything. This all got much worse when I went to Walt Disney World. At DL, we just went straight from our hotel to the parks. I used they scooter and they walked. But while at WDW, I had to use the bus system. This means that every time I got on a bus, I had to get on first since I was in the scooter. They had to drop a ramp and let me on first to tie down the scooter. It wasn't a huge deal with the buses between the parks but it was a little more complicated with the bus to the hotel. I stayed at a hotel in the Disney Springs area and even though they did have accessible buses, the process was a little different. They are higher so instead of a ramp, there was a lift. It was a longer process and I felt like all eyes were on me as this was going on. I hated it.
While at DL, I was traveling with Mac and Heather. We have traveled together a lot over the past few years and I know they always have my back and understand the issues I deal with. While at WDW, I was traveling with someone new. She is someone I have known online for 5+ years and I decided to go down so that I would get out of the house after Mac left. Most of the trip was fine but her last morning there, I was put in a situation that set off my anxiety in a big way. She got into an argument with someone that was getting on our bus because people were being rude and getting on even though the driver was asking them to wait so he could let down the lift for me. While her heart was in the right place, it ended up putting me in a bad situation. All of the crap was because I was there and on a scooter so all attention and eyes were on me, so I started having a panic attack. It was a really sucky situation. I was able to get my breathing back under control but once I was finally on the bus, I was still shaking from head to toe and I wanted to crawl into a hole.
This was the first time in a long time that it has gotten that bad. I'm really ready to get me knee fixed so I can feel more like myself again. Being dependent on other people or needing a scooter to get around is not normal for me. I want to start getting healthy again and I want to start moving. I have an appointment for my knee this week and hopefully I will have more answers soon.
For now, I just ask everyone to realize that some people are suffering from things that are unseen. Whether it is an injury or something deeper like anxiety or depression, even though you can't see it , it is still real. When they find themselves in a tough situation and it triggers something inside, they are not just being dramatic, they are suffering from something very real and very personal. Be mindful of what you say and do in those situations because you can unknowingly make a bad situation worse.
