Changing Seasons

Warning, it's a long one but I feel it is a very important topic and a big piece of who I am. 

I can feel my emotions changing with the season and with the impending deployment. As the temperatures drop, so does my mood. When I was in college, I was diagnosed with anxiety depression. I chose not to be medicated and through the years I have learned to manage along the way. Depression doesn't just go away; it is something you deal with forever. Now my depression is much more seasonal. The holidays have been a very emotional time for me ever since I lost my grandmother and the heightened emotions trigger a downswing in my moods. When you add the stress and sadness of a deployment beginning just before the holiday season, it makes it much harder to face. I think one of the things that made my depression worse when I was younger is that I was trying to be someone I'm not. In stead of taking that time to deal with everything, I was trying to be what others wanted and expected me to be.

Over time, I learned I have to have time to process when things shift. With everything that is rapidly approaching, I am withdrawing again. That is normal, especially for my personality. I am finding that I am just doing more things on my own and that is the way I want it to be for now. I am processing the emotions and changes that are happening right now. When I have to process something big, I always become a loner for a while. During times like this, my emotions are already on overload and if I have to much external stimulation, I just can't handle it. It really makes me shut down. I learned that the best thing for me to do is just take some time and focus on myself. This doesn't mean I become a complete hermit but it does mean I stay in a lot more or I choose to do things alone. This will be the pattern for the next few months as my husband leaves and I start finding my new normal. As his departure approaches I will do everything I can with him and most of the rest will be on my own. Once he is gone, I will take the time I need to be sad and be alone before I start to reach out to those around me.

The thing I have this year that I have not had in the past is an outlet in running. I know that will help me to cope with this downswing much better than I have in the past because I am moving again. Running isn't going to make my depression magically disappear, but I believe it will help dull it's affects. It will give me a little me time three times a week when no one expects me to be around people. A time when I won't have to answer questions or feel like something is missing. Yes, right now I spend most nights running with Mac but I have my best workouts when I am alone. I think that is one of the reasons that I am finding that running suits me. It's an individual sport. That does not mean that I can't be a part of a team. I grew up playing sports and I miss being on a softball team dearly. What I mean is that running, being alone but moving, is a perfect fit for my personality.

This is the post I wanted to revisit. It is the post I wrote last year soon after I decided to do the 2011 Princess Half. While I was writing this post, I had a revelation about my depression.  Even though only a small part of the post is about my depression, I still want to repost it in its entirety. I find it really interesting to look back on where I was then. It makes me sad in a sense to know how much fire and desire I had to do something that I just was not fully ready to do. I'm glad that I am finally moving in the right direction and will hopefully be fulfilling the dreams of the part of me that wrote this post last year.

Right now I can't stop crying and I'm not sure why. Well, I know the emotions behind the tears but it's hard to explain them. There is a mix of pride, fear, excitement, nervousness, anticipation, and being overwhelmed by the task ahead. This is the result of a decision I made recently about a task I have chosen to complete. I'm still too afraid to really talk about it specifically but it will help me change my life. Those of you that know me, know that I have struggled with my weight for a while now. I started making some progress while Mac was gone but after a few months, it sort of stopped. Life got in the way, motivation was low and my self worth was non existent. I could figure out the food part and that was all well and good but I couldn't figure out the exercise side of the equation. I would go to the gym and work out but it seemed so pointless. I wasn't working towards anything other than weight loss and that isn't a good working goal for me.

You see, though I may not seem like it, I am an athlete. I have been since I was 4 and started playing t-ball. Exercise had a purpose. I never ran or did gym stuff, I trained. Every thing I did had a purpose and it was improving my game. That was how I stayed in shape and though I have always been heavier, I was in shape. Then everything fell apart. A stupid person did a stupid thing and I ended up getting hurt. I snapped my ACL during my freshman year of college and had to have surgery to repair it. For a while after my physical therapy I continued to play sports but it was much harder. Playing in a metal brace isn't the most comfortable thing but playing without it opens the door for more surgery. After a while, the discomfort of the brace and the fear of re-injury made me stop participating all together. This along with some life events led to me finding myself in a very deep depression and depression opened the door for uncontrolled weight gain.

Holy crap! In this moment, I realized that when I stopped moving, I started sinking farther into the darkness that was already pulling me. The athlete in me was locked up in a closet and rendered me defenseless against the pain I was fighting. I can't believe that I never saw it before. It all happened at the same time. That is when my weight began to slip out of control. I finally learned how to fight off the depression but I never let the athlete out. I was so ashamed of what I had become and so disappointed in my limitations that I quit over and over again. Sorry, that became more of a stream of consciousness than what I was intending to write but I think I had to put it out there. And I have to thank God for it because I have been praying for understanding about how I got where I am. (yes there is a lot more to it but I already knew most of the other parts, this was the piece that I just couldn't find.)

I have been so unhappy with myself for so long but I have been so lost as to how I can change it. I've been searching for something to work towards. I needed a goal that was more tangible than weight loss because my history with weight loss is that it never happens. I needed something that I knew would happen with certainty. I have found that goal. I wasn't planning to go into specifics but the clarity I have found in the last ten minutes as erased the fear that was keeping me from telling you. So, here goes...

I am going to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon on March 6th 2011.

I will be registering for the event as soon as they post it on May 1st. I have already begun training and have my training calendar printed and on the fridge. When I first decided to do it, it felt a little impossible, but when I sat down and planned my training, I realized it is completely possible. I'm not shooting for a magnificent finishing time, I am just working on finishing. I am not doing this just to lose weight, my sole purpose for running this race is for me. I want to feel like a princess and feel worthy of what I have. I am going to do what it takes to get there. I know that I can do the entire race walking if I have to but I am going to do my damnedest to run the entire thing. However, I know that through training the weight will come off. There is no way I will be running 13.1 miles next year at the same weight I am now. If I do, I must be eating an entire cow a day. Haha

Anyway, back to the purpose of this post. I have been reading up on the race and working on getting the right tools that I need(i.e. good running shoes, etc.) and everything just overwhelms me. I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I am embarking on this journey. I'm excited beyond belief and scared half to death. I've read so many awesome accounts of women running this race as their first race and it is inspiring and encouraging and I can't wait to tell you my story when it is all said and done.

Some of you are probably wondering where the hell this idea came from and it was a fellow Army wife. She loves everything Disney and decided to run in the 2010 Princess. She had never ran before but thought it would be fun. After she finished this year she posted pics on facebook and gushed over how great it was and wanted to get other wives to join her next year. I toyed with the idea for a while but wasn't willing to commit. Then I looked through her pics one day while I was considering it and one image was my turning point(picture below). It said exactly what I needed and that was the turning point of it all. That was the moment I decided I was going to do it and I was going to do the best I could possibly do.

Thanks Meghan!

The words on that shirt bring a sense of strength and comfort even now that I attempted the race and did not finish. As I stated in my race recap post, had I not attempted the princess and failed, I would not have the strength and determination that I have now. I would not be succeeding now.

Not really a WW Thursday

So I skipped the meeting today. Some dear friends are visiting from Virginia and I opted to hang out with them instead of going to the meeting. Maybe I should have gone but oh well.

I may have skipped my meeting but I didn't skip my runs this week. Tuesday night was good but slow. I went out for a run around 5 am hoping it would be nice and cool but because of the front coming through, it was warm and humid again. I did about half of the workout before calling it quits. I just wasn't feeling it. I went back out tonight to finish what I started. It felt AMAZING. It was around 70 degrees with basically no humidity. I was actually a little cold when I started since I was wearing a tank top. I pushed my self a lot harder tonight trying to have a good pace. I was a lot fast than I have been but of course I couldn't keep it up the entire time. I slowed down and finished up and headed inside.

It was a good day. I know that I may not have done everything I was supposed to but I still feel like it was a good day.

I'm hopeful about the next week. I have had some realizations lately and I think it is going to help things along.

I have several introspective, more serious posts that are bouncing around in my head. I've done a lot of thinking lately and I need to just get it all out there. Last night I remembered a post I wrote on my old blog last year and I really want to find it  so that I can post it here and revisit the revelations I made in that post and how I am seeing things now.

WW Thusday

Sorry, I know I haven't written one of these in a while. I haven't been to a meeting in a while. I was sort of worried about what the scale would say but it wasn't as bad as I expected. Right before I went home, I had a really off week. I didn't track and didn't pay attention to my food. It wasn't horrible but my weight went up a pound or so according to my scale at home and I didn't feel like having a bad weigh-in so I didn't go. I had a plan to really buckle down and be very strict while I was at home but that was a silly idea. Yes, it is possible but it wasn't completely necessary. There are certain foods I don't get here, so I treat myself to them while at home. So I treated myself. I didn't track while I was there but I did pay attention to what I was eating. I knew some days I had gone over but others I was pretty much on track. I could have found a meeting at home but I didn't really want to weigh-in while I was there because the scales never agree. I typically weigh about 5 pounds more in Georgia than I do here. I decided I would just wait until I got back. So today was my first meeting in a while. the scale was kinder than I thought it would be. I gained but I only gained 0.6. That's not bad at all. I'm refocusing and I know that as I move forward I will see more results. I know even though the scale is still stuck, my body is changing. My pants are getting loose again and my husband said I looked slimmer when I came back from Georgia.

I had a great run tonight. We have a cold front coming through so our daily high temps are only supposed to be in the '90s. Yay! That also means it is cooling off quicker at night. Tonight is was already close to 80 when I ran at 10:30. For the last few months, if I wanted to run when it was 80 I would have to do it a 5AM. So far I am really liking the new plan. I like that my week day runs are nice and short. I'm seeing the progress that I have made over the last 6 months because I have actually given my body the rest that it needed for me to reach my potential. I have my first longer run coming up on Sunday, but since I'm just starting out, it is only 3 miles. I'm currently doing a 1 minute run, 1 minute walk ratio for my short workouts. I am pretty sure that would drive me nuts on the longer runs so I found a version of Galloway's plan that suggests a quarter mile run, quarter mile walk for the long runs. I think I am going to try that this weekend. I figure it is a good place to start and I have 5 months to change it and find what works best for me.

I'm really starting to feel a lot better about things. Hopefully it will all keep looking up.

In case you are interested, I just updated my 10k post with pics from the race.

Starting Fresh

Tonight I started the Galloway training. I will finish it in time for the Tinkerbell in January. I skipped week one but I think it will be ok since I have been running for a while now. I am definitely taking a step back and not pushing as hard because I was starting to hurt myself by doing too much too quickly. I have to keep reminding myself that even though I have been running since March, I have only been running since March. That probably sounds stupid but what I mean is I am still a new runner. I am still a beginner. I still need to take it slow.

Tonight was a short run of just 30 minutes. I love that with his plan, I am only doing three runs a week, two of which are just short 30 minute runs. Doing so many long runs, like I was with the 10K plan, made me feel like my legs never had time to recover and I didn't progress as much as I could. I'm excited about it all but it is hard to believe the Tink is only 20 weeks away.  Anyway, back to tonight's run. It went well. I had to stop after 20 minutes but in my eyes, it really wasn't a bad thing and was the result of a conscious decision. I realized about half way into the workout that my pace was faster than I expected. I knew that I couldn't keep it up for the entire workout so instead of slowing down and running longer, I decided to keep pushing and just run the faster pace for 20 minutes instead of 30. I was a full 2 minutes faster than I have been. It was very encouraging. My plan is to slow myself down on Thursday to make sure I get the entire 30 minutes in but I was still happy with my run tonight.

I'm playing around with my run/walk ratios right now. I have definitely found that doing the shorter intervals definitely helps my pace. Now I just need to find what fits me best. Right now I am doing an even ratio but we'll see if I keep that or change it up.

I really have to get my routine figured out. With Mac leaving soon, I know I can get very thrown off if I don't have it all figured out already. I have my training schedule all mapped out with the dates and everything and the funny thing is I have a workout scheduled for both Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. I thought about moving them but I think having time away from people to just center myself on those days will actually be best. It will be hard enough having Mac gone, I would feel guilty if he was gone and I didn't get my workouts in. Plus, like I said, it will be nice to have a minute to myself away from everything, a way to forget that it is a holiday and just treat it like any other day.

I'm excited about what is to come and trying to focus on my training now. There are still lots of things that can make me very discouraged but I am trying to ignore them at the moment. I just need to keep pushing forward and working towards my goals.

Labor Day 10K

Well, I have officially done a 10K. I didn't do very well, but I did it. Nothing really went as I had hoped.

I was all excited for awesome weather, unfortunately Lee had other ideas. It didn't rain but I wish it would have. The temp was only 72 but with 99% humidity. Not really fun..

It all just started very badly. We ended up getting to the start late even though we thought we had left in time. That meant that the race actually started when I was still about 100 yards from the start line. I ended up sprinting to try to catch up and get in front of the ambulance that was following all of the runners. That was what made everything else suck so bad Because I didn't have time to warm-up, my legs protested the sudden sprint and my left calf immediately cramped up. The race had barely started and I already was unable to run. I couldn't stop to stretch it out because the ambulance  was on my ass and I felt like I had to keep moving. It was very frustrating because I started the thing dead last and stayed there for a while. There was a woman that was closer to me but the rest of the pack was quickly leaving us. By the end of the first mile, my leg was killing me. I was hurting so badly and really just wanted to quit. I turned around and realized that I was being followed by every police car that had been blocking an intersection. They were all creeping along because of me. That's when I lost it. I started bawling. I tried to call my husband because I felt so ashamed and so alone. He didn't answer. I tried our house and I tried his cell and there was nothing. Finally,  I called Rachel. She was my ride for the morning and I was really just going to tell her to come get me. I was crying pretty much uncontrollably when she answered. I finally told her what was going on and she tried to calm me down. She reminded me of all I had been doing and what I did at the Princess while she cheered me on. I was finally able to calm down after having a chance to talk to someone. I just felt so alone and needed a little support.

Not long after I got off the phone, I caught up with the lady in front of me. Her name was Patty and we understood each other. She is on a journey to lose weight also. She has already lost a good bit but still has a ways to go. She is training for the Rock-n-Roll Half in Savannah. We talked about the struggles of training when you are overweight. We talked about how hard it is for others to understand what it really feels like. We also talked about how bad it sucked being dead last. Having someone to talk to made things better and as I walked on, my leg finally started to loosen up.

After about 3.5 miles, my legs were feeling a lot better and we were on he last all downhill portion of the race. I decided to try to run as much of the end as I could. I pretty much ran the last 2.5 miles of the race. I finally felt good and really wondered how I would have done if the race had a better start. I did really well with the last few miles. Finally, I made the last turn and I could see the park where the finish line was. I fought back a few tears because I couldn't believe I was actually going to finish after the morning I had. There were two people waiting by the finish and, surprise, surprise, they were my friends. The place was deserted but I didn't care. I finished. I took a second to sit and catch my breath before I went back to meet Patty and finish with her. I felt bad for leaving her but she told me to run ahead once I felt better so i did. I was actually really surprised by my average pace. It was much better than I expected since I walked over half of the race. I ended up finishing with a pace just over a 16 minute mile which is slow as hell but is almost good enough for the Disney races.

As much as it all really sucked, it still gave me some hope for the future. I still have a lot of time to get better and several more races to help me watch my progress. This week I started the Galloway training program. It is the one they posted for the Princess but it was perfect timing for me to start it for the Tink since it was posted 21.5 weeks before the race and it is a 21 week program. I have heard great things about it so hopefully it will be a good one for me. I did a very short workout today since I am still very sore from the race. I felt ok but I still need a little recovery time. Up next on the list is the Army Shadow 10 miler in October. Hopefully, it will go better than the 10K.

No matter how the race went, I can cross one more thing of my list.

Here are a few pictures from the race. 

 I was laughing because Patty was saying some not so nice things about the photographer. Notice the Ambulance on our butts.

 

Crossing the finish line after a long morning.

Crossing a second time with my race buddy.