Making plans and Following through

Tonight I created yet another Excel sheet containing training and workouts until the Princess. It is really sad how many versions there have been since mid-December when I created the first one. Granted, the holidays got in the way more than I expected but since being back, I have created two more versions that I have not followed through with at all(other than training runs). I've been wanting to start Insanity again and do it with my husband. Well that has not happened. Whether it was my lack of motivation or him not being around, we just haven't gotten going like we should.

I think I have been overwhelmed by the task ahead of me. I want to make significant progress by my birthday and that gives me a shorter time frame than I had hoped. I am not going to be unrealistic and things that I want are completely within reach, it is just overwhelming at times.  I have been letting fear and doubt get the best of me the last few weeks. I know I can do this, I just have to give myself a swift kick and get moving.

Even though I haven't been doing the extra workouts that I wanted, I have been getting my training runs in and I have managed to lose a few pounds. Which tells me I haven't been completely failing, I have just been letting myself down by not reaching my full potential.

So Monday I will be kicking off a 6 week plan that is an Insanity/TurboFire hybrid. I'm going to give it a try for a little while and if it doesn't feel right, I will change it up and probably go back to just Insanity. I am really trying to focus on building more strength and lean muscle to help with my running. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that the Princess is getting so close. I know I can do it but I feel like it is sneaking up on us. I need to just start focusing on the day to day because looking down the road is freaking me out.

So tonight I printed my newest excel worksheet and Monday I WILL begin to follow through with it. It's going to be tough but I CAN do it. I just have to get over the fear and get it done. I'll try to check in a little more often to let you know how it is going.

A little time off

One thing I have learned over the last two years and especially during last year's training is that a little time off every now and then isn't always a bad thing. Right after Mac deployed last year I had a really hard time finding the motivation to run. It ended up meaning that I skipped a chunk of my training. No short runs, no long runs, nothing for a little over two weeks. By the time I got to my parent's house, I was facing a 7 mile run and I was terrified. I had not done the 6 miles before and 5 miles was the longest(and last run) that I had done. I decided to take it easy and walk as much as I needed too but I knew I had to try or I was never going to start running again. The craziest thing happened. The run went GREAT. I felt good, had a good pace and even felt like I could have continued. It was crazy. It didn't take me long to recover and I was very encouraged by the run. A similar thing happened later in my training just before my 11 mile run and it went great as well.

Sometimes your body just needs some time off and giving it a little rest will make a world of difference. I've been in a slump lately, mainly due to the time of year but I haven't let it get to me the way it has in the past. On the 15th, I "ran" the Trail of Lights 5K and it was the first time I had run in a while. It felt great and I had a really great pace until a little after the 1 mile mark where I hit the crazy traffic during the Christmas lights portion of the race. It made it nearly impossible to run so Mac and I ended up giving up and just walking most of that mile and then took it easy for the last. We decided to come home and run again since I was technically supposed to do 6 miles that day and I had only done three. We ran 3 more once we were home but thanks to eating supper and having a headache, it wasn't as great as the first attempt that night. We haven't really done much this week either. We had plans to start Insanity and sort of did but with the holidays and other craziness going on(I had another allergic reaction) we didn't get in all of our workouts. At first it bugged me but then I sat down with our training calendar, made a few adjustments and now we have a plan again. Now instead of finishing the weekend before the race we will finish the week of but that is fine with me. If it improves my running as much as it did in July/August than I am all for it.

For now the hardest part is going to be dealing with workouts and travel this weekend as we go home to do Christmas with the families. Getting in the long run won't be too hard, it will just take a chunk of time out of our time with family. I find it a little funny that I will once again be doing my 7 mile run in GA instead of TX but I like doing long runs there so I am looking forward to it in a way.

I'm trying to make a few small changes to help me focus more now that things are calming down and we are getting closer to the race. Also we are only 5 months away from my 30th birthday and for me to reach some of the goals I have set for myself I need to "buckle down." We are finally getting through the "honeymoon" period after Mac's return from the deployment and settling back into a semi normal daily life. That will be even more true once we get back from visiting family and he is back to a normal schedule at work. Once things start falling back into a regular groove and we see what the schedule is really going to be, I think it will be easier to make sure we are getting our workouts in each day and eating better.

The holidays always make sticking to your routine hard and falling off the wagon can make you feel discouraged about your journey. Just know it's never to late to get back at it and that if you stay focused and determined and don't get too down on your self, anything is possible.

Back on track!

Ok, so it has been a while since I have posted, sorry! Things have been crazy ever since Mac left. He has now officially been gone for a month(Wow, that's hard to believe.) Between finding my new normal and being sick it's been hard. The last time I really ran was the 3 mile run the weekend after he left. I didn't do my 2 weekly runs and then I was sick as a dog the weekend that I was supposed to run 6 miles. Getting over the virus and and Thanksgiving made it hard to run the 2 weekly runs that week and then a head cold knocked me out that weekend. I felt horrible but I wasn't sure what to do. I knew my training plan had a 7 mile run on the schedule for the first weekend in Dec. but since it had been so long since I ran, I was scared. Plus I was going to be in Florida at Disney World that weekend.

I decided to try to get a long run in before I did too much walking at the parks. I arrived in FL on Wednesday night and my friend Rachel wasn't getting there until Friday night so Friday I decided to give it a shot. I wasn't sure how it would go but my goal was to get the distance in, even if i had to walk the last few miles of it. I took my vibrams with me on the trip. It has been a while since I ran in them but I decided to give it a shot. I knew if
I needed to I could run by the room and swap to my NB minimus. I decided to use the little running trail in front of the All-Star resorts(i stayed at AS Sports) since it was about a mile long and there weren't really any people on it. I decided to shorten my intervals since it had been a while and I had been having a little trouble with my run interval feeling too long at the end of each run.

Well, I did it. I ran every interval and and actually felt good after. As soon as I was done and sat down for a minute, my feet were killing me but I felt good on the run. It was also a little surreal running there. Knowing that I was running half of the distance I will be repeating there in a few months. I caught myself tearing up towards the end of my run because I felt like I can do it. Like if I had to do the half tomorrow, I could. It wouldn't be great but that I could finish. It gives me hope, which I need a lot of right now. The Tinkerbell is in less than 50 days now. I'm still nervous about it since my training is leading up to the princess not the Tink. The tink is listed on there and the day of the race would be a 12.5 mile run. The Tink isn't much longer than that I just worry about my time. I pray that I can actually do it fast enough. My pace on the 7 miles was better than I expected. It wasn't great but it was ok. I loved running in my vibrams again. I love those shoes so much, but I am still unsure that I will be able to run in them for the half because I just need the little extra cushion that the minimus offers but I know that once the weight is off, I will go back to my beloved VFF Bikilas for the majority of my runs.

I just feel like it is all sneaking up on me. Both races are right around the corner and I am no where near where I wanted to be physically. I'm hoping I can get things moving again. I have the motivation of being reunited with my husband in 9 months for R&R and wanting his jaw to hit the floor when he sees me. I really want things to be different next year when he comes home.

Anyway, I'm glad to be back on schedule. I have still had a few problems getting my short weekly runs in but I am trying to figure that out. It's a little hard figuring out how to run in the cold and what is the best time for me to do it. Tomorrow I will be doing my 3 mile run from this weekend.Now to just keep moving forward and do the best I can.

Honesty Time - There's a Reason It's Called a Battle

I have not been doing so hot lately. I have truly been on the verge of just giving up completely. I'm been frustrated and upset and just completely discouraged. I've been making excuses and trying to fake it but the reality is I just feel defeated. I haven't seen any real results in a while and I am just having a very hard time with it.

Part of the last two weeks I have been blaming on The company and party we had last weekend. That really did have an affect on everything but not for the reasons people think. It wasn't just because they were here and we were hanging out and having a good time. It was mostly because I was so down on myself that I really just let everything go. I love that they came, and I had a ton of fun with them and at the party. But I have been having a really hard time since the party. I have really just hidden from the world. Partly because I have been sick, but mostly because I have been ashamed. All of my friends that were here have been posting pictures of the party and they make me cringe. Everyone talks about how great I looked and how awesome my dress was and I think they are all just lying to me to make me feel better. I see those pictures and all I want to do is cry. How did I let myself get to this place. How did I let it get so bad that after losing almost 30 lbs I still look that horrible. It really just breaks my heart. My best friend from home was trying to tell me that I need to look past all of that and see the beautiful person that I am but I can't. I'm just not in a place where that is possible right now.

I am trying to fight back. I am trying to keep going. I ran tonight for the first time in 2 weeks. It was good, not great, but good. I'm restarting the Galloway program just in time to finish it at the Princess. The Tinkerbell will be one of my long runs. I'm really having to dig deeply to pull out the strength to keep moving forward because right now, all I really want to do is quit.

I've said several times that the only way I am going to be successful is to be completely honest and that is exactly what this post is.

I still want to write a recap post about the weekend and the party and I will, hopefully this weekend. I will even include a few pics. I will also post about the crazy trip my husband and I will be going on soon. It's our anniversary present to each other and I am so excited.

Until then, I wish you all the success in the world on your personal journey and an understanding that it is not always easy. 

Labor Day 10K

Well, I have officially done a 10K. I didn't do very well, but I did it. Nothing really went as I had hoped.

I was all excited for awesome weather, unfortunately Lee had other ideas. It didn't rain but I wish it would have. The temp was only 72 but with 99% humidity. Not really fun..

It all just started very badly. We ended up getting to the start late even though we thought we had left in time. That meant that the race actually started when I was still about 100 yards from the start line. I ended up sprinting to try to catch up and get in front of the ambulance that was following all of the runners. That was what made everything else suck so bad Because I didn't have time to warm-up, my legs protested the sudden sprint and my left calf immediately cramped up. The race had barely started and I already was unable to run. I couldn't stop to stretch it out because the ambulance  was on my ass and I felt like I had to keep moving. It was very frustrating because I started the thing dead last and stayed there for a while. There was a woman that was closer to me but the rest of the pack was quickly leaving us. By the end of the first mile, my leg was killing me. I was hurting so badly and really just wanted to quit. I turned around and realized that I was being followed by every police car that had been blocking an intersection. They were all creeping along because of me. That's when I lost it. I started bawling. I tried to call my husband because I felt so ashamed and so alone. He didn't answer. I tried our house and I tried his cell and there was nothing. Finally,  I called Rachel. She was my ride for the morning and I was really just going to tell her to come get me. I was crying pretty much uncontrollably when she answered. I finally told her what was going on and she tried to calm me down. She reminded me of all I had been doing and what I did at the Princess while she cheered me on. I was finally able to calm down after having a chance to talk to someone. I just felt so alone and needed a little support.

Not long after I got off the phone, I caught up with the lady in front of me. Her name was Patty and we understood each other. She is on a journey to lose weight also. She has already lost a good bit but still has a ways to go. She is training for the Rock-n-Roll Half in Savannah. We talked about the struggles of training when you are overweight. We talked about how hard it is for others to understand what it really feels like. We also talked about how bad it sucked being dead last. Having someone to talk to made things better and as I walked on, my leg finally started to loosen up.

After about 3.5 miles, my legs were feeling a lot better and we were on he last all downhill portion of the race. I decided to try to run as much of the end as I could. I pretty much ran the last 2.5 miles of the race. I finally felt good and really wondered how I would have done if the race had a better start. I did really well with the last few miles. Finally, I made the last turn and I could see the park where the finish line was. I fought back a few tears because I couldn't believe I was actually going to finish after the morning I had. There were two people waiting by the finish and, surprise, surprise, they were my friends. The place was deserted but I didn't care. I finished. I took a second to sit and catch my breath before I went back to meet Patty and finish with her. I felt bad for leaving her but she told me to run ahead once I felt better so i did. I was actually really surprised by my average pace. It was much better than I expected since I walked over half of the race. I ended up finishing with a pace just over a 16 minute mile which is slow as hell but is almost good enough for the Disney races.

As much as it all really sucked, it still gave me some hope for the future. I still have a lot of time to get better and several more races to help me watch my progress. This week I started the Galloway training program. It is the one they posted for the Princess but it was perfect timing for me to start it for the Tink since it was posted 21.5 weeks before the race and it is a 21 week program. I have heard great things about it so hopefully it will be a good one for me. I did a very short workout today since I am still very sore from the race. I felt ok but I still need a little recovery time. Up next on the list is the Army Shadow 10 miler in October. Hopefully, it will go better than the 10K.

No matter how the race went, I can cross one more thing of my list.

Here are a few pictures from the race. 

 I was laughing because Patty was saying some not so nice things about the photographer. Notice the Ambulance on our butts.

 

Crossing the finish line after a long morning.

Crossing a second time with my race buddy.

Sweltering

The heat here is really doing me in. I almost feel like I am going backwards because the runs are getting harder as it continues to be so unbearably hot. For a while, even though it was over 100 during the day, it would fall to around 80 or 85 by 10 or 11 at night. Now, it is still 95 degrees at midnight. It is just an oppressive heat. My pace is suffering and I feel like I am over heating every time I run.

Tonight was the worst one so far. We decided to go a different route and it meant that we weren't right near the house. Unfortunately we did not have any water with us or any way to get some so I had to stop running about half way through the workout. I was afraid if I kept pushing without water, I was going to pass out. I am thinking of investing in a camelbak waist belt. The reservoir sits in the small of your back and you can tighten it down as you drink so it doesn't slosh around as much.  I can't run and carry a water bottle. It is just too awkward for me.

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts right now. I am scared that I won't be ready and I will fail again. I really hope this all gets easier when the temps drop again. The temps should be much more pleasant at the 10K and hopefully that will give me a better idea of where I am. I know that I still have 5 months before the first Disney Half but I am still feeling unsure. It's just a lot of old insecurities creeping in.

Ugh, I would LOVE to run in the rain. We need rain so, so badly. Not just a day but a whole week of it. It would feel heavenly.

WW Thursday

Well, here we are again. I lost 0.8 this week. It's good because it is a loss but I really wish it was more. At least give me a full freaking pound instead of these tenths of a pound numbers. It is just getting annoying. I know a loss is a loss and any loss is good but I feel like I should be doing better on the scale than I am. I have lost 2 pant sizes but the numbers have barely gone down during that time. I am losing inches but not pounds. It is just becoming a little frustrating.

I've made a few discoveries and I am hoping those will help me get things moving better again. I decided that I was going to be super diligent with my tracking this past week. Some days I had not been writing it down or logging it online but mentally counting. I also wasn't looking up all of the point values on things. Sometimes I was guessing. I found out I was guessing wrong. I'm hoping that watching my points more closely will help. Added to that, my workouts are getting tougher and I am trying to ride my bike more so hopefully those things will help too.

I am really struggling this week emotionally. It is just getting very frustrating. I feel like I am doing everything right and really trying to make a change and not seeing any results. All while others are taking the easy way out or not being as strict as they should and still seeing great results. It just really makes me want to give up. Last night I had a hard time after my run. I completed it but I had this overwhelming feeling that it is all worthless because I'm not going to be able to do it. I feel like I still have way to far to go mileage wise and I am never going to be able to do it. It just feels like everything is sneaking up on me and I am not going to be ready for any of it. I have a 5K this weekend that I am hoping goes better than I am expecting it to, that way maybe I will be a little more confident for the 10K next month. It's all just wearing me down and I am starting to feel like a failure.

Update: I have been tracking my measurements and I took them again today after I posted this.I have lost another almost 10 inches all over and I am down another pant size. While I am super happy these numbers are going down, it frustrates me that much more. I feel like they should translate into bigger scale losses than they are. Oh well, maybe it will all make sense eventually.

FINALLY!!

Finally I had a good run!!

Today...

Today was ...

What's a nice way to put it?

Today was a really shitty day. (that'll have to do)


The week in general hasn't been that great but this afternoon it got worse. Thankfully in the big sense, everything is fine, or fixable, but in the emotional and stressful sense, it was a bad day. (I'll explain later once I can tell my husband everything. Especially since the aftermath may affect my workouts and such.)

Anyway, it was a bad day.

There was a bright spot early on. I bought a bike at the village wide yard sale for $35. It is a cruiser hybrid, or at least that is what I call it. It is styled like a cruiser but still has a few gears. It seems like it is in really great shape, i just need to get an adapter for the tube because they are European.

I missed my run last night. I wasn't looking forward to it in the first place because it was jumping up in time again and I wasn't sure I could do it. Things were a little more hectic than I expected yesterday and by the time I realized I needed to run, I didn't have it in me. I decided I was going to try to sleep and then do it this morning before hitting the yard sales. My alarm went off and I had not gotten much sleep so I ignored it. I decided that if I got back early enough tonight(I was supposed to go to a concert) I would do it then. Well, then all hell broke loose. I got home, didn't feel great but knew I needed to run. I felt bad because I hadn't ran when I should have. Not guilty-bad, more of a not normal kind of bad. I felt like I was missing something, like something was off. I decided that maybe it would help me feel better and seeing as I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow, I better get it over with. I also didn't want to fall too far behind on my new 10K plan because as it is currently laid out, I will complete it just in time for the Labor Day 10K.

I did not have high hopes for tonight but I kept praying that God would give me the ability to have a good run, and he did. I was smart. I slowed down a lot. I am still averaging an acceptable pace but I am slower than I want to be on Labor Day. That's ok, I'm still building up so I really don't want to push it too hard. I just wanted to finish the workout. I modified the plan a little since I knew I had struggled with the last run. It called for an 8 minute run followed by a 2 minute walk repeated 3 times. I knew that in recent runs, 2 minutes wasn't enough for my calves to recover before I started the next run. I decided to extend it to 3 minutes instead and it worked out GREAT. I know in time that recovery time will decrease but for now, having legs that feel good and are able to continue is more important to me.

My run time increases again on Monday. I am hoping that I can stick to tonight's pace so that I can complete it as well. I am really hoping that I am entering a new positive swing with all the workouts instead of having some of the discouragement that I have faced lately. I really want to feel good about all of this again instead of just frustrated.

WW Thursday

So today wasn't the best of days for weighing in. I gained 0.4 lbs. I know that isn't much but this has been a trend lately. In reality, I am still doing pretty good because I have not gained a full pound yet if you add up my gains since my last loss. So basically I have been pretty much staying the same. It all really started when we went home and I haven't fully gotten back on track since then. I am doing better with my running again and I am still learning with my food. I have bee pretty consistently having "breakfast" so that at least is a start. I put breakfast in quotes because it is a meal replacement shake not a bowl of cereal or anything like that. I'm starting slow but at least I am getting something in my system instead of waiting until 5pm like I used to. The shakes are also useful because I am doing a cleanse that requires consuming a large dose of saw dust, I mean fiber, and putting it in the shake makes it bearable. I'm hoping that cleaning everything in there out will help me with the weight-loss stuff as well as tummy issues I have been plagued with for years. I am already noticing that I am not having some of the digestive issues that used to be commonplace for me.

Tonight was a hard night at the meeting. Our regular leader is on vacation so Steve takes over while she is gone. I like him. He keeps the meeting short and sweet and is a nice guy. however, tonight he said something that felt a little harsh and really kind of hurt. When he saw that I gained and then noticed the two weigh-ins before, he said that even though .4 isn't a number to be alarmed by he noticed a pattern and wanted to know what was going on. I responded, "Stress." I have been stressed. Driving 18 hours each way to Georgia and back is not a walk in the park. Dealing with my husband going overseas makes me a little crazy and fighting with a weight-loss plateau makes me want to pull my hair out. When I get stressed, I stop losing weight, even if I am watching what I eat and exercising, it just all stops, which stresses me out more. This is what has been going on and why the scale has not been my friend. Steve's response to my one word answer was, "Well, maybe we should find ways other than food to deal with our stress." I HAVEN'T BEEN OVER EATING. Have I had an extra snack or two? Yes, but I have been staying within my weekly points. I know he was trying to be helpful but jumping to that conclusion and making that statement was like a knife in my chest. I felt so defeated and really did not want to be at the meeting anymore. It didn't help that my friend's husband became a lifetime member tonight because he hit his goal and maintained it for 6 weeks. He only had 30 lbs to lose but for me, becoming a lifetime member seems like it is a lifetime away.

I've really been struggling with all of this and really trying to push through it. In the past, every time I have tried to lose weight, this is where I quit. I decided that it really was impossible and I walked away. Every time I have tried to lose weight I have hit this same road block around the same time. I lose 15-25 lbs and then it all stops. I stall out, get discouraged, and quit. This time I am not letting myself stop but that doesn't change the fact that it is hard to move forward. I'm trying to really buckle down and get even more serious so that I can start making better progress. I really want to change, I really want to be a better person, but it is really hard when you feel like you have run face first into a brick wall. I'm going to break through but it is going to take time.

Update: I just recorded my measurements and I have lost a total of 18 inches all over, 8 of those are around my waist and 5 of that have been since I stopped "losing weight." Even though I am not seeing it on the scale, my body is still getting smaller.

Lost Another One

I have lost yet another follower. I want to get new people not lose them. Sorry if my posts haven't been all rainbows and sunshine lately. This journey is not always going to be fun. That is why I used the word battles in the name. It is a war I have been fighting all my life and right now, I'm losing a little ground. Hopefully soon I will rally and start a new charge.

I had a bad run tonight. I'm not feeling great and it showed. My legs are tight and my ankle is KILLING me. It was just a bad night. I'm thinking about trying to swim a few laps tomorrow. It will just take a lot for me to actually go to the pool. The last time I went to a post pool I had a panic attack and had to leave. Swimming in front of a bunch of soldiers is not easy for someone my size.

Hopefully, my weigh-in tomorrow will go well and Friday's run will be better.

Here's hoping!

Reset

With being home, I knew staying on track was going to be hard and I was right.

I haven't done horribly with my foods but I haven't done well either. I have not tracked points at all and I have been taking advantage of foods that are not available in TX. Tomorrow I am planning to splurge one last time as we stop in New Orleans on the way home. Eating while driving is always a pain especially when you are doing a 15 hour drive straight through. My plan is to really get back on track and improve my eating when we get home. I'm going to try to make sure I start eating breakfast everyday because I still struggle with that. I'm also going to try cooking more and finding more healthy but quick meals.

However, when it comes to running, I have sucked. We only ran one night and I thought I was going to die. The humidity has been so bad that I felt like I couldn't breathe. With all of the driving around and not sleeping much, it has been really hard to get up in the mornings to run. Running at night isn't really a great option because we aren't on post and don't have a good, safe place to run. It's ok though. I'll get back on track when we get home. I think I have a new goal set up now. Something closer so it is easier to work towards than the half in January. I found out about a 10K here in GA on Labor Day. I'm thinking of coming home to run it so that I have a possibly qualifying race time to submit for both Disney races. I need a new race to use since the Army 10 miler shadow is the same weekend as my 10 year high school reunion now. It's nice having something short term to work towards.

I have two big events coming up in the beginning of October. On the 1st, my husband and I are having a party for our 5th anniversary(Sept 30) and the next weekend is my reunion. These two events are sneaking up on me and I want to make a very significant and noticeable difference by then.

Being home has made me stumble a little but it has also given me a new determination. Talking with people and explaining(a million times) about the half marathons and how I got to this point. It really reminded me why I am doing this and that it really is possible. Now I am going home and planning to get much more serious about it all. I am definitely going to figure out where I want to use a pool because swimming the other day reminded me how much I love the water. My mom and I booked our room for the Tink and I registered for the Princess as soon as it opened. Going to the running expo also helped me find some new things that I have been wanting. I'm really excited about where things are going I just know I have taken a few steps back in the last two weeks.

Trouble Ahead

Monday, my husband and I will be driving home. This is a good and very bad thing. We are looking forward to seeing friends and family but it is going to throw a wrench in my journey. I won't be able to run at the same times that I have been and I will be in a new place at new elevations. It is going to be interesting.

And then there is the food. It is how we southerners show our love and celebrate. And it is all so damn good. Watching my points while making sure I get a taste of the things I miss will be very difficult.

It's going to be an interesting 2 weeks.

Yeah, that's about right.

Frustrating

Weigh- ins are starting to get really annoying. Today I only lost .2 lbs. Last week was great, this week sucked. This is starting to be a pattern that i really want to break.

It looks like if all goes well, the race will not be rained out. Our chance of rain keeps going down which is fine with me. It sounds like it is going to be warm and muggy but hopefully not too bad at 8am. I can't believe it is almost here. Here's hoping the run goes better than the weigh-in.