Finding Myself Again

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement and mostly thanks so much for not lecturing me about what I am going through. It is just one of those times when you just don't feel like things are going well even though you know you are trying. After a while it just starts to wear on you.

Fortunately, tonight was a good night. I had a good run. Not a great run, but it was good and I needed that. I basically did a 5K. Knowing that I could do 3 miles again was encouraging, and if Lisa was right with her comment, that should mean I will have no problem with the 10K on Monday since it is about 15-20 degrees cooler in Macon than it is here in the mornings. Right now the forecast says the temp for Monday morning is 67. SIXTY-FREAKIN'-SEVEN!! I'm so excited.(If you couldn't tell) It will probably be between 70 and 75 when I am running but that is awesome too. I haven't had a run below 85 in months and the last few weeks it has been 90 or 95 while I was running. Tonight it was around 94 when we went out.  I felt good. I took it slow and my husband had water for me this time. I know that I can do better than I did tonight because my time at the last 5K(which I struggled at) was about ten minutes faster than tonight. That is giving me some hope because I felt really good after the run tonight. Knowing that it will be cooler and that the course is mostly down hill, I'm feeling more confident and more excited about the run on Monday.

Right now my plan is to get in a short easy run Thursday night after I get into GA just to see how I feel, see how the different temps feel and to just get one more run in before the race. Then I'm just going to take it easy until the race. I'll be on my feet a good bit on Friday so Saturday and Sunday will be lazy days. The reason I will be on my feet Friday is because I am going dress shopping with my best friend back home. I'm getting more excited about the big party too. I LOVE my dress. I can't wait until the next payday so I can pay it off and go pick it up. I'm so excited to find something gorgeous for her. We will also be on the search for some killer shoes to go along with mine. It's just so nice to be happy and excited when I think about the upcoming event instead of beginning to dread it like I was.

I'm starting to feel a little more like myself. I think I just needed to get it all out there and then have a decent workout again. Honestly, the weight loss plateau was not bothering me nearly as much while I was still getting good workouts in, but as soon as those started sucking it just all hit me like a ton of bricks. Having one thing back on track makes me feel like getting everything else back is possible. I'm also changing my outlook and expectations for the coming months. I have a lot of races coming up. A 10K next week, a 10 miler in Oct and a half marathon in November. My goal for the Disney races have changed. Now I just want to finish. I was trying to push myself to be able to run the entire 13.1 miles. I'm starting to realize I have been putting too much pressure on myself and now I am focusing more on the walk/run method and just making sure that I get my pace down enough to stay ahead of the balloons.(For those unfamiliar with Disney races, the balloons are tied to the race pacers, and if they pass you, you are in danger of being picked up. I know, I followed that witch for my last mile of the race this year. No matter how hard I willed it, she never tripped so I could catch up. Haha)

Now that I am not planning to go home for my high-school reunion, I will be able to participate in the Army Shadow 10 miler here. I'm a little nervous but I know that I can do it even if I end up walking most of it. I still have 5 months to get ready for the Tink so I am not going to kill myself for an untimed race. Then it will be the Run to Remember in November which will be my first official half marathon. Once again, I'm not going to push too hard because I am just using it as a reading of where I am. That way I know how much I have to do to be able to keep pace for the Tink. One of the things that I love about races here is that there is no time limit. You don't feel as much pressure and they don't care how long it takes you to get done. It will be a great way to gauge my progress and see how far I have to go.

Things are getting back on track. I really just want to thank you for your support and understanding that sometimes you just need to get something off your chest. Like I've said before, there is a reason the word battle is in the title of my blog. This journey is not an easy one and sometimes I may feel like I've lost a battle or two. The point is to move forward and win the war.

I will be healthier, I will get fit,  and I will be the woman that I have always wanted to be.

Bad Week(s)

A while back when I posted about The Road to My Low, I said that one of the most important things to me this time around was honesty and being open to share everything with all of you out there. I know that my posts haven't had the same tone for a while now and if I am being completely honest with you, it's because I have been going through a pretty rough time.

I've been struggling a lot emotionally in the last few weeks. Things really started with the plateau I hit in June/July. I was so frustrated with feeling stuck and having no idea why. I was doing everything I was supposed to but I wasn't really seeing any results, not on the scale anyway. I knew things were changing with my measurements but not really seeing on the scale started getting to me. I know I've done well by losing 17 pounds since starting WW and 27 pounds total but I feel like it isn't enough. I feel like I should be further along.

When I made the decision in April to really be serious and start going to meetings, I expected things to be easier. I expected to see quicker results. I knew that my husband I were planning a big anniversary party  and I had my 10 year high school reunion, both in October. I had all of these high hopes of seeing such a huge difference by then. Now we are just a month away from the party and I feel like I am failing. I know that I am not because I am still trying but I have had so many bad days lately that I have really just wanted to quit. I know I can't quit and I won't but it has been hard to continue working when it feels like nothing is going right.

I have the 10K coming up in a week. I'm not even remotely excited about it. I am terrified. I feel like I have gone backwards with my running lately. There is only so much you can do here before the heat just sucks everything out of you. I can barely even do a mile without feeling like I am going to die. I am not expecting the race to go well but I'm going to do it anyway. Right now I just feel like a fraud when it comes to running. I keep reading about people that are training for a half or even just friends that run that are just going out for a normal workout. they talk about how they did 3 mile in 35 minutes and had a sluggish day. They expect ridicule when they do three miles in 30 minutes or feel like they have an off day because they just ran 5 miles. I would LOVE to be able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. I would be so ecstatic if that was my time one day. Even friends that have never ran before that are also trying to lose weight are running consistent 13 min miles. I can't even do that. I feel like I am such a loser and that I have no reason to think I can ever do this when I see these things. I still feel like I have so far to go that there really is no point. I'm supposed to be running the Tink in 5 months. Right now I feel like it is going to be a wasted trip.

I'm just struggling a lot with confidence issues. I'm in the process of really getting ready for our big party. My plan was to buy this killer sexy dress but the silhouette I wanted is a little more revealing than I would be comfortable in at this point. I really wanted something that would hug my curves and show off my progress but even though I am sure I could find one that looked good, I would not be comfortable in it at all. I would focus so much on the areas that are not even close to where I wanted them to be at this point that I would hate the way I looked. I found a dress today. I love it, but at the same time, I know it is not what I wanted. It is a different silhouette and though it looks great on, I feel like I should have done more. I still have so far to go. Some days it just feels impossible and I feel foolish for thinking I could even do it. I know I can but sometimes, it just doesn't feel that way.

I seriously considered disabling the comments on this post but I won't. Please don't tell me what I am doing wrong or what I need to do differently. I know you may mean well but that really isn't the kind of feedback I need right now. Right now I really just want to know that I am not alone and that people are there to listen when I'm having a really rough time. I have tons of resources for ways to succeed but sometimes when you are emotionally burnt out, you just need a listening ear and a word of encouragement and understanding, not advice and instructions. This isn't one of those times when I am struggling because I can't figure out what to eat or I can't find the right training program, it really is because my confidence is shaken and I am just emotionally drained. It doesn't help that my husband's deployment is very rapidly approaching and I really don't know how I am going to do this while he is gone.

I'm just really hoping I can have a good weigh-in and an encouraging run sometime soon so that I don't feel like I am wasting my time.

Sweltering

The heat here is really doing me in. I almost feel like I am going backwards because the runs are getting harder as it continues to be so unbearably hot. For a while, even though it was over 100 during the day, it would fall to around 80 or 85 by 10 or 11 at night. Now, it is still 95 degrees at midnight. It is just an oppressive heat. My pace is suffering and I feel like I am over heating every time I run.

Tonight was the worst one so far. We decided to go a different route and it meant that we weren't right near the house. Unfortunately we did not have any water with us or any way to get some so I had to stop running about half way through the workout. I was afraid if I kept pushing without water, I was going to pass out. I am thinking of investing in a camelbak waist belt. The reservoir sits in the small of your back and you can tighten it down as you drink so it doesn't slosh around as much.  I can't run and carry a water bottle. It is just too awkward for me.

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts right now. I am scared that I won't be ready and I will fail again. I really hope this all gets easier when the temps drop again. The temps should be much more pleasant at the 10K and hopefully that will give me a better idea of where I am. I know that I still have 5 months before the first Disney Half but I am still feeling unsure. It's just a lot of old insecurities creeping in.

Ugh, I would LOVE to run in the rain. We need rain so, so badly. Not just a day but a whole week of it. It would feel heavenly.

WW Thursday

YAY!! I finally had a GOOD weigh-in. I lost 3 lbs this week. There is no period in front of that number; I lost 3 whole pounds.  I think I am finally over that plateau. Thanks goodness. I actually haven't done as well as I wanted with my running but I was very, very diligent with my points tracking. I had a bad run last night. It just wasn't a good day and I just didn't feel like doing it. I tried but I just didn't have it in me to finish.

I'm going to be trying a few new things in the next few weeks and hopefully that will help my weight loss as well. Right now I just need Priceline to accept my bid so I can book my tickets home for the Labor Day 10K. I am no longer expecting a qualifying time but I still want to do it so that I know where I am at as I move forward. I may be back on with the Shadow 10 miler in October but that whole weekend is still up in the air.

I was glad to have a good weigh-in at the meeting today but we received some sad news. Our leader is leaving. She got a new job that starts immediately so this was her last week. They have not decided who her replacement will be yet. I really like her and I think she is one of the reasons the meetings were working for me. Hopefully her replacement will be as good as she is.

Where's the beef?

Not at my house, not anymore.

I have discovered that I can no longer eat beef. at least not ground beef. My stomach just can't handle it. We've been eating a lot of chicken and ground turkey lately mostly because it is lower in points. We decided to have hamburger helper on Sunday night and the commissary was out of ground turkey so we just grabbed some lean ground beef. First of all, i noticed i preferred the taste of it with turkey. Later I just didn't feel well and the beef was the only thing I had done differently. Tonight we decided to grill hamburgers because I found some lean fresh hamburger patties at the commissary that were only 3 pts per patty. After dinner tonight, I went out for my run. I made it through the first interval but didn't feel great so i stopped for a minute before trying the second. About 6 minutes into the second interval, I had to come home. I felt so bad. The common thread has been the beef so I think I am swearing it off mostly.  I will still try a filet sometime to see if steak is the same but I will definitely not be bringing home ground beef again any time soon.

Oh well, no big loss.

Hotter than Hades 5K

Well I ran my 5K yesterday. I shouldn't have but I did it anyway. The reason I say I shouldn't have is because I am fighting some sinus crap and I had a touch of food poisoning yesterday. I didn't realize it was food poisoning until later in the day and it was too late by then.

I did better on the run than I thought I was going to do during it. I felt bad, really bad, and almost quit a few times. My stomach didn't bother me too much during the race but the increasing pressure in my head coupled with the intense humidity has brutal. The temperature wasn't that bad since it was very overcast and the sun was hidden but we had about 95% humidity to go along with our 89 degree weather so it didn't take long for you to feel like you were on fire. The race definitely lived up to its name. I got a little too hot on the course but I still managed to come in 7 minutes faster than my last time. I was really surprised by that since I ended up walking a lot more than I planned. I was going to do the suggested 4 minute run, 1 minute walk but it ended up being more like 4/4 because I was getting so hot during the run portions. Like I said, I probably should have stayed home in bed but oh well.

It gave me a little confidence though. for a moment I was defeated and decided to skip the Labor Day race back home but once I really started paying attention to my run times and factoring in the crap that made yesterday's race so much harder, I realized a qualifying time at the 10K is still possible. I just have to make sure I keep training and I'm not sick for that race too.

Learning

I'm skipping my run today. Part of me is screaming in protest because it is saying I need to stick to the plan exactly and I should have been out running this morning. But the reality is that I am planning on running a 5K in the morning and I am hoping to have a new PR after it. I know that for me to do my best in the morning, I will benefit from rest today. I'm also learning what works best for me with running. I may be making a few changes soon. I'm afraid I may be pushing myself too hard some nights. I think I know what I need to change and if it works, I will let you know.

I've been feeling like I am way behind when it comes to training. Hopefully tomorrow's race will help me feel better about it all. I'm hoping that I do better than I am expecting but we'll see. (maybe my stupid allergies won't screw everything up. I currently can't breathe through both sides of my nose but I am planning to use some nose spray to open things up in the morning.)

WW Thursday

Well, here we are again. I lost 0.8 this week. It's good because it is a loss but I really wish it was more. At least give me a full freaking pound instead of these tenths of a pound numbers. It is just getting annoying. I know a loss is a loss and any loss is good but I feel like I should be doing better on the scale than I am. I have lost 2 pant sizes but the numbers have barely gone down during that time. I am losing inches but not pounds. It is just becoming a little frustrating.

I've made a few discoveries and I am hoping those will help me get things moving better again. I decided that I was going to be super diligent with my tracking this past week. Some days I had not been writing it down or logging it online but mentally counting. I also wasn't looking up all of the point values on things. Sometimes I was guessing. I found out I was guessing wrong. I'm hoping that watching my points more closely will help. Added to that, my workouts are getting tougher and I am trying to ride my bike more so hopefully those things will help too.

I am really struggling this week emotionally. It is just getting very frustrating. I feel like I am doing everything right and really trying to make a change and not seeing any results. All while others are taking the easy way out or not being as strict as they should and still seeing great results. It just really makes me want to give up. Last night I had a hard time after my run. I completed it but I had this overwhelming feeling that it is all worthless because I'm not going to be able to do it. I feel like I still have way to far to go mileage wise and I am never going to be able to do it. It just feels like everything is sneaking up on me and I am not going to be ready for any of it. I have a 5K this weekend that I am hoping goes better than I am expecting it to, that way maybe I will be a little more confident for the 10K next month. It's all just wearing me down and I am starting to feel like a failure.

Update: I have been tracking my measurements and I took them again today after I posted this.I have lost another almost 10 inches all over and I am down another pant size. While I am super happy these numbers are going down, it frustrates me that much more. I feel like they should translate into bigger scale losses than they are. Oh well, maybe it will all make sense eventually.

Shift Forward

So I have decided to start running earlier. It's hot as Hades but it means Mac can go with me and honestly it means I burn more calories. It's sort of like running in a sauna. Haha.

I wasn't sure how it was going to go because I was battling a headache and it was a lot hotter than normal when I started. I did much better than I expected. Especially during the first half. I am doing longer run intervals right now so I am only doing two reps. I struggled a little more during the second one. I was feeling the heat and my legs were just tired from running longer. I ran about half of the second interval and then switched to the 4min run/1min walk suggested by Jeff Galloway. That way I was still getting in a good run but with a little recovery time in there. I made sure I stopped my timer when I was walking so that I actually ran the full time I was supposed to it was just broken up a little. I think I'm going to use the 4/1 method for the 10K because I think allowing myself a little recovery time every now and then will help me maintain a faster pace overall instead of burning out too quickly. I still have plenty of time to work up to a longer continuous run but for now I think I am going to play it a little safer and a little smarter instead of pushing too hard.

I have another 5 K Saturday morning. Originally I wasn't going to do it but I decided I might as well because it will give me a good idea of where I am in regards to the 10K that is coming up. Right now my biggest worry is just how I am going to get to GA for it. I don't want to drive because 18 hours in a car is hard on your body but I don't want to spend a fortune on airfare either. I am hoping Priceline will come through for me and I can get a cheap ticket home.

I still need to clean up my bike and take pics, oh and start riding it more. Haha.

Here's hoping this is a good week!

Learning to Snack and Save

This week's WW topic was about better snacking. I know this is one area that some days I am great and others, it is my downfall. I have found several healthier and lower point value snacks but so often, they are expensive. Fruit is a great snack(0 pts) but it isn't cheap and good fruit is sometimes hard to find. I am also a salty snacks person so fruit doesn't always hit the spot. I have found great chip and cheese ball alternatives with things like Pop Chips and Snikiddy Cheese balls. Both are all  natural and less points(3 pts) for twice the amount. They are perfect for when I am craving salty and crunchy.  Once again, they are not cheap if you run out to your local grocer and pick them up. Fortunately for us the commissary has started carrying Pop Chips regularly and they are at a better price, however, they only carry the large bags. I like the individual size bags in both because it is easy portion control. You just grab a bag and go, no need to measure, count or weigh. You know how much you are getting and how many points it is.

Every now and then I let the price get in the way and go for easy and cheap. That is when I slip up the most with my eating each day. Fortunately I have found and ally in this fight and its name is Amazon. Most of the healthier snacks that we love but hate the price, are available on amazon. Not only can you buy them in bulk but you can sign up for a subscription to them and save. You can set it so that it ships as little as every 6 months and you get a discount on the item and free shipping. I have used this in the past but I stopped and I don't know why. Soon I will be setting up new subscriptions to great snacks to help me keep my snacking within my daily points.

I have a new fire and I am hoping that it along with some better choices are going to help increase the results I see each week.

WW Thursday

Well today's meeting went a little better than last week. I lost 0.6 so I at least lost something. I would like to lose more but it will come in time. I'm really going to crack down on my food. I haven't really been doing bad but I haven't been tracking as well as I should.

I did something very stupid today. I decided I wanted to get a little bit of a workout today before the meeting so I decided to go ride my bike. I forgot that it was 108 today and I had no water with me and I hadn't had much to drink before I left. I rode about 3.5 miles but the last half was brutal. I rode over to another neighborhood and on the way back I realized how hot I was and that I had nothing to drink. I was determined to get home but I knew that if I really started feeling bad that I could call someone to pick me up. Thankfully the last 1/4 of a mile is all downhill so I was able to just coast home. I got some water in me and cooled off and I was fine. I definitely will not be making that mistake again.

Huh?

So I confused the MPs(military police) that were in my neighborhood tonight. I was just out for my run but they found it odd. Maybe because it was 12:30AM. They were in our neighborhood checking the houses of residents that are out of town. I ran by them about 3 times and every time I passed them, I got a weird look. I'm used to seeing the post cops in our neighborhood and by this time, they are used to seeing me, but this was the first time I saw the actual MPs.

I tried to run earlier tonight with Mac but it was just too dang hot and my body didn't like it. I decided that I would just try again after he went to bed and the temp dropped a little more. I did better on my second attempt but not great. I'm not sure what the issue was but hopefully it will be better on Friday.

It's nice having Mac back but it is either going to mean that I HAVE to get up early in the morning or I will just have to run without him at night. I'm not sure which way I am going to go with it.

Tomorrow is another weigh-in. I'm not expecting great results. I have been watching my food pretty well but I haven't been drinking enough water and that is affecting things a little. My workouts are getting tougher and tougher and I am hoping that along with being more diligent about the food will help me to start shedding pounds again.

Ooooo. I have to tell you all about my bike. I want to get it cleaned up and take some pics and show you the awesome thing I learned about it tonight.(mac rode it while I tried to run the first time.) I just really wish I knew what kind it was. The people that had it before pulled all of the stickers off of the frame so there is nothing with a brand or anything on it. Oh well, I still think it is too fun.

(I updated the commenting options so that hopefully it will be easier for people to comment now. I know a few people have said they have had trouble with it in the past. Hopefully it is fixed now. One change is it will open a pop-up window so make sure you are looking for that.)

Fun Ride

I took my "new" bike out for a quick ride tonight. It was short but it was fun. It's been a long time since I have been on a bike and enjoyed it. I'm really looking forward to what is to come with it.

I found out that I already had what I needed for the tubes. Our bike pump is convertible so I was able to fill up the tires without buying a converter valve. I still need to lower the seat(and possibly replace it) but I had a little trouble with it. Every time I push the seat down, it pops back up. It is fine while I am riding but I can't touch the ground while seated so I feel a little wobbly sometimes.

I'm feeling better today than I expected. My back is sore but other than that, there really isn't much residual affect from yesterday. Now that my husband knows what happened I can fill you in. A friend and I drove up to Dallas for a concert that we got free tickets for on post. Dallas is 3 hours away but it was a free concert so we were game. Well, about 3 miles from the venue some stupidity occurred and we were rear-ended by a very large Dodge Ram. I was stopped in a line at a red light when this happened and he hit me so hard(i was in a Toyota Corolla) it pushed me forward enough to make me hit the SUV in front of me. Of course my 'ittle bitty car was the only one with damage. It is mostly cosmetic but it still sucks. I was very shaken up and upset by the whole thing. Maggie and I both were ok but it did rattle us around a bit and my neck started hurting a little along with my head. We decided to skip out on the concert because we just weren't in the mood anymore. I also didn't want to be driving home too late in case something more serious was wrong with the car and we broke down. Now I have a large hole in the front bumper of my car(the SUV had a trailer hitch) and my rear pumper is cracked in several places and the trunk is out of line. Other than that, the car is drivable and it appears the only real damage is to plastic parts. One of the worst things about the whole situation is that my husband is still on the other side of the world and we have no idea when he will be home.

Having a good run last night and realizing I got a pretty good bike yesterday has made this crappy weekend better. Oh and I splurged and got some pretty hot shoes. They will not help me in my training or anything useful other than looking hot.