8 Miles

When you aren't ready to lose weight and you try to, you fail. Don't get me wrong. Every time I tried I really wanted to lose weight but I wasn't ready. Every time you fail at losing weight, you don't just go back to where you started, you go beyond it. Every time I lost 10 lbs and then failed, I did not simply regain 10 lbs, I gained 20 or more. You get to a point where you feel so hopeless and you decide you can never succeed. You "try" but you really aren't giving it your all because you are going to fail, again. You get so depressed and so disappointed you give up on ever being a better person. You want to change but you can't. That is the cycle I found myself in until I had my aha moment.

My aha moment wasn't a light bulb turning on. It wasn't a bolt of lighting or a neon sign saying "Here's the answer!" It was quiet and calm and really hard to find while looking back. I knew something was different this time. I knew something had changed and I had a feeling I had never had before. I felt like this time it was really going to work. The last few weeks, things have been very encouraging when it comes to my running but I still feel like I could do better on the scale. Don't get me wrong, I've lost weight and it is great but sometimes I feel like because of how I feel and how my clothes fit, the scale should be in a better place than it is.

I know that one thing that is different is this, this blog and discussions I have had with others through other outlets. I'm talking about it, ALL of it. Never in my life did I think I would admit to the world what my heaviest weight was, but I did it and I know that is one of the things that is making this work. But there was something that lead to that point, and I kept trying to figure out what it was. What changed in me and when?

Sometimes on my rest nights, Mac and I go for a walk. We walk around the neighborhood and just talk. It has been amazing having that time with him. The Army keeps him busy so having an hour, just the two of us, to just talk about anything and everything is great. We were talking the other night about the half marathons I am planning on running and why the training is going better this year than it did last year. Last year I started C25K and quit after 3 weeks. I had excuse after excuse for why but the truth was I knew a half marathon was impossible. There was no way that I was ever going to be able to do it. I was too fat and too out of shape. There was no hope and no reason to try and fail and be disappointed again. I really almost backed out of the Princess Half this past Feb. It was Dec and I had not booked our room yet.( I am a Disney freak and love going so the fact that I waited that late meant there was a big problem.) I finally decided that we might as well go, but I was not sure I was going to try the race. I got there and decided I might as well try but I had not trained a day since June of 2010. I knew there was no way I was even going to finish. Mac and I talked alone that weekend and I said to him, "You know it is really going to devastate me if I don't finish." To which he replied, "I know." He has seen what failure does to me. He knows the darkness it throws me into. He was just as scared as I was that weekend about who I was going to be on the other side of that race.

The morning of the race, all I wanted to do was cry. I knew what was about to happen and I was terrified of what it would do to me. There I was, in the "Happiest Place on Earth," miserable. I met up with a few ladies at the start simply by pure dumb luck(also know as God's hand). We had not arranged to meet up I just happened to run into them. They were a good distraction during the waiting before the start. They were very encouraging and kept my mood lighter than it would have been had I been alone. Finally it was our turn to start and off we went. I jogged as long as I could and then slowed to a walk. I walked as quickly as I could but I was constantly being passed by those around me. Soon I was in the back of our starting group with the runners of the next catching me quickly.

I was alone. In a sea of people, I was completely alone. I had only one goal that morning and that was to make it through the castle. I lucked out and ended up with 3 corrals behind me since I registered so early. It meant that I had a pretty good cushion between me and the dreaded bus. I walked and thought and tried so hard not to cry. I was failing, with every step, I was failing. I kept going over the year before in my head. Beating myself up over failed opportunities and chances. I prayed for the 4 mile mark where my husband and a dear friend were waiting to cheer me on. When I started passing people on the sides of the road and didn't see them, I almost cried. I needed my husband. I needed someone that loved me to tell me it was alright. I needed a light a the end of the very, very dark tunnel I was in. I kept checking my watch and my pace was bad and getting worse. Finally, I saw him and I began to sprint. He had water for me and a huge smile. He was exactly what I needed in that moment. Having Rachel there was just a huge bonus because she loves me and encourages me just like he does.

It was the push I needed and I felt energized and a little less defeated. I kept moving even though I really just wanted to stop. My feet were killing me and I was tired, but I could see Magic Kingdom and I wanted to walk through the castle. As I entered through the back lot and turned onto Main Street USA, I was glad I had on sunglasses because I began to cry. Cast members lined the streets cheering us all on and straight ahead was my goal. I knew I was going to make it because I was in the park, the bus couldn't pick my up until I got out the other side. Even though I was going to fail, I was going to get the chance to go through the castle and complete that goal. I followed the path through Tomorrowland and made my way to the back of the castle. I soaked it in as I walked under the archway. I had made it this far, I was going to see how much farther I could go. I made out of the back side of MK and past the mile 6 marker right before the warning flag went up. I was running out of time.

I had been told that the road leading out of MK was the worst part of the race. There is nothing there and it is easy to lose your motivation. Disney obviously tried to make it a little better by adding a few things to entertain you but mostly it was a small road shaded by tall trees on both sides. On that road is where everything changed. I was walking as fast as I could but I was running out of steam. When the race began, I was determined to be stubborn and go until they forced me off the course. During mile six, I lost too much speed and the warning flag went up as I got to mile 7. I was told that if I could pass the lady with the balloons, I would not be picked up. I thought about trying to run to pass her but there was no way it was happening. My feet were killing me and I was just tired. I had just walked 7 miles as fast as I could and dammit, I was tired. That's when my thoughts started to shift. I realized that I was about to complete 8 miles without a bit of training while weighing over 250 lbs. I had a new goal and that was simply to make it to the next observation area at the 8 mile mark so that I could see Mac and Rachel and tell them I was done. One of the road guards rode by on her bike once again warning me that I was too slow and needed to speed up. I asked her what the "pick up" process was because I was done after 8 miles. She told me if I need to stop where I was, a van would take me to the next pick up point. I assured her that I was fine to walk to the next point so I could tell my husband but that after that, I was done.

A little voice in my head protested, "What? You're done. You're giving up. But that means you failed. You can't fail again."

I saw my family and told them to head to the finish line because I was getting on the bus. Then I climbed aboard and sat my happy ass down with a banana and a bottle of water. Wait, happy. Why the hell are you happy? You just FAILED. But I was happy, I finally realized that if I could walk 8 miles without ever training, then I could surely finish 13.1 miles if I just tried. We were all surprised when we got off the bus and they handed us medals even though we didn't finish. At first I was almost ashamed of the medal because I felt like I didn't earn it. I didn't deserve it because I had not trained. but I did earn it. I walked 8 miles to get that medal and during that 8 miles I realized that I did not fail. I didn't fail because I tried. I didn't finish, but I did not fail. I didn't fail because I realized it was possible. My fear that morning was that when I didn't finish all I would feel was shame. That the people around me were going to judge me harshly for not making it all the way. Instead, Meghan sent my husband a text about how proud of me she was when he told her I finished 8 miles. My husband still loved me and Rachel did too. Instead of feeling shame, I felt strength. It was a strength I had forgotten I had and the only reason I found it was because of those 8 miles.

In that 8 miles, I realized I was wrong. I realized I have been wrong for a long time. It IS possible. I'm not a lost cause. I don't have to resign myself to a life of pain and fear and shame. I CAN change this. And so I am. For the first time in my life, I see a happier healthier me and I believe that she is real. I know that she is in me and I am on the right path to setting her free.

So what motivates me is the knowledge that I now have that I am worthy and able to have the life I have always wanted. IT IS POSSIBLE!

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So I have to thank a few people for this realization because without them, it wouldn't have happened. Of course there is my husband because he is my rock and best friend. He loves me fat or skinny and I could not have asked God for a better man. there is a lot more I could say about him but I'll save that for a different day and time.

Then there is Rachel. She will always be affectionately known as "Shadow." God intertwined our lives in college so that it seemed like everywhere I went, she was there and through that she became my sister. She has been the only person other than Mac to truly know my ups and downs through this battle. She is always there to encourage or just to listen. She drove down to meet us that weekend and cheer me on from the sidelines. Even though her sign fell apart, seeing her face and hearing her laugh made it that much easier to keep going.

And finally, there is Meghan. If it wasn't for her and a picture she posted on FB last year after the 2010 Princess, I would have never started this journey. I would have never been at the race this past Feb and I would never be where I am now. God knew what he was doing when we were both lead to an online group even though I had no idea how important this perfect stranger would become to me and my journey and I am forever grateful that he chose to use such a funny and awesome person to get me here. And I am excited to see where our friendship goes.

The Road to My Low

It's a little long but it is the whole story. If you are just interested in the dirt, you'll have to scroll to the end.

Yesterday, I talked about how I have been wanting to share more details of my journey. I have come to the realization that I really need to be completely open and honest during this journey. It will help you all to understand me and my struggles more and it will help me to stop hiding. The reality is that if you never knew what my heaviest weight was, when I failed, I could lie about it. I've done that in the past and I am not letting myself do it this time because failure is no longer an option for me. I'm tired of hating myself. I am tired of going out and not doing the things I really want to do because of my weight.

Last year, I had a heartbreaking moment when my husband and I were talking about going horseback riding and I realized that I was too close to the weight limit allowed at the stables. I grew up riding horses and never thought that I would be at a point that I could be turned away because of my weight. (I know enough to know that any healthy adult horse could have supported me but it was the principal of the stable's policy and the embarrassment if they chose to enforce it.) It was a long road to this place so I know it won't be easy going back.

I have always been overweight, not always by a lot, but I always had a few lbs I could stand to lose. I was very active though. I played softball or baseball my entire life. In high school it felt like it was all I did sometimes. Even though I was active and in pretty good shape, I was still a larger girl and I was always teased about it. I don't think I ever wore anything smaller than a 14 in high school. I actually looked pretty good my Senior year but you couldn't have told me that back then. When I graduated in 2001, I weighed around 175.

College actually started off pretty good. I didn't really gain the freshman fifteen. I stayed pretty steady and even lost about 20 lbs doing weight watchers. Then that all changed. An idiot named Jimmy did something really stupid and the result was a completely torn ACL. I walked on it for 5 months before being properly diagnosed and having surgery during Spring break. That stopped my moving for a while. I was in an immobilizer for 3 weeks and then a metal brace for another 6 months. It was a long process and that is when the weight really started adding on.

I tried to stay active after my rehab was over but I was afraid of re-injury and my brace made things more complicated than I wanted it to be.(I had to wear it during all sports) Add to that the depression I found myself in and my weight just kept going up. Fortunately, I finally met my husband and he helped pull me out of the darkness that I found myself in and for him I tried to lose weight. It didn't really work because I really didn't know how. I knew that I needed to change my food but I had no idea how to work out. I had never been to a gym before, I always just practiced for softball. I never really figured out how to do it and so by the time we were married in 2006, I was around or just over 210lbs.

After we were married, I got comfortable like most people do. We both but on weight in our first year of marriage. He loved me, why did I have to kill myself to lose weight? It also didn't help that we ate out a lot. He was still in college and would get a meal plan that had the most Co-op bucks so we ate lots of Chic-fil-a since it was free.(The army paid for his meal plan since he had an ROTC scholarship) After our first year, we spent the summer back at my parents' house for his internship and then he started the Army thing in the fall of 2007. I was up to about 230.

Then the Army entered the picture. When Mac went to El Paso for BOLC II, I went with him. That meant we lived in a hotel room with just a mini-fridge and a microwave. We ate out the entire 5 months we were there. I attempted to work out by going to the post indoor pool that was near the hotel but I literally had a panic attack one day because of all of the soldiers that were there. I was so ashamed to be in public in a bathing suit that I had to get out of the pool and run back to the hotel. I tried to do WW again but it did not happen. I was not going to any meetings, just doing it online and I never tracked or held myself accountable. When we moved to Hood in March of 2008, I was 245.

Since we moved here, I've hidden. I was so ashamed of myself that I did not want to meet anyone. I did meet one person and she focused so much on weight that I felt increasingly more worthless every time I was around her. Unfortunately, she was the only person I knew so I kept hanging out with her. Several times she told me that Tricare would pay for me to get the Lap-Band. Fearing others would treat me the same, I stayed inside. I hated myself but I was so lost that I had no idea how to get out. I didn't know how to exercise. I knew how to eat but putting it into action was hard. I had added stress because my husband was deploying 6 months after we arrived here. By the time he left, I was a hermit or I was gone. I really, really wanted to lose weight for him while he was gone but I was not in the right place(mentally or emotionally) for it to work. I was driving back and forth cross country visiting family and every time I was home all I did was eat. My family loves to cook and they are good at it. I should have paid more attention to what I ate but I didn't. While I was in TX, I tried nutrisystem but it wasn't right for me. I'm a very picky eater so there were only about 5 different items that I liked and eating those things over and over again just wasn't working. I got really bored really quickly. I lost about 10 lbs but then it just stopped and I started going the other way.

Mac came home, all was great and the lbs kept adding up. We traveled a lot and he was here and there for training. I fell into a very lazy routine and things got ugly. In July of 2010, I hit the largest number I have ever seen on the scale. I remember what it was like every time I saw the numbers rise. I remember hitting 200 and hating it. I remember every ten pounds after that. I very distinctly remember when I crept closer to 250. I would hit it and then lose a few lbs. I kept saying as long as I stayed under 250 I was fine. Then I passed it and said the same about 260. Last July, at my heaviest I was 262. I managed to change a few things and lose 10lbs between July and the beginning of April. That's when I decided to really commit to Weight Watchers and start going to meetings. Thankfully I have managed to lose nearly 12 lbs since I started WW on April 7th and now I am down a total of 22 from my heaviest. Right now my long term goal is to be around the middle of my healthy BMI range which would put me at 143. I have 97 lbs to go. When I hit my 40% loss, I will be around 15o or 157(depending on which weight I use to calculate it) and that is when I will decide how much farther I want to or need to go. I know that I will have muscle from running and working out and losing too much may make me too small so when I get closer to that, I will make a final decision on what my goal weight really is.

So there you have it. All of my dirt and shame. I am trying so hard to make things work this time. I feel good about it. I am sticking with my running and heading to meetings every week. I did not intend to weigh in today because I had a bad week but I decided to anyway and lost .8 lbs. Not a lot but at least it is something. I have 1.4 lbs before I hit my first mini goal which is 5%. Running with nearly 250 lbs every week has definitely not been easy but I know that as I stick to it, that number will continue to fall. I want to be completely open and honest during this process because I feel that is the only way I am really going to succeed. This is who I am and where my journey began. I hope you will stick around for the ride and can celebrate with me when I have good days and offer a few words of encouragement on those days when I really don't think I can do it anymore.

Fear

You don't really realize how powerful fear can be until you start to realize how much control it has over you.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about where I am, how I got here, what I'm doing to change, and why it isn't working. I have been "trying" for about 2 months now and though things were going well with the running, nothing has been changing much with my weight. I've talked about how I am "doing" weight watchers and some days that has been true, but not every day. I've been trying to figure out why I am not really doing this and I realized this weekend something that I have known for a long time but not admitted.

I am scared to death.

I'm scared of failing of course but the crazy thing that I don't think people understand is, I'm scared of succeeding too. I'm scared of not having this to hide behind anymore and I'm scared of being ashamed of my self for the rest of my life. I'm scared of everything changing and I am terrified that nothing will change. I am paralyzed by these fears.

I'm tired of being ashamed of myself. I am tired of hating myself and so I want to change. I'm trying to overcome these fears so that I can wholeheartedly dive head first into this journey and succeed. I'm tired of letting fear control me but this is going to be a long hard road.

Back again, this time with a vengeance

So here I am again. Still hating how I feel, still hating what I see but this time something is different. I've been bitten by the bug, the running bug.

Does this mean I love running, not even close. But I'm doing it. Well, trying to anyway. I'm about to start the Couch to 5K program again so that I can then move on to a Half Marathon program. I have one now but I am going to continue looking and see if there is another one out there that I like better. I have a little time before I need it.

A lot has happened since the last time I posted here yet not much has changed for the good physically. My husband has been home for over a year and we are preparing for him to leave again this fall. I decided to do a half marathon last spring with all intentions of starting to run last year but frustrations with pain and then with myself, lead to me not completing the training. I was so close to backing out of the race but I figured at least it would be a fun trip to Disney. I'm very glad I did not back out. Though I did not finish, I did make it over 8 miles. I walked from Epcot to the Magic Kingdom and through the castle. It was the coolest thing.

Now I am determined to finish the race next year and do my best to run the entire thing.

So I am back here. Using this blog once again to track my progress with my journey and try to keep myself accountable. This time I will be doing Weight Watchers and running as well as going to the gym. There is a lot more I want to say about what has brought me to this point once again, and I will. For now, I just wanted to give a little update and welcome the new readers that should be finding this soon.

Explanation

**** This was the original first post of this blog(April 2009). I decided to delete the old ones and start over because looking back on them and seeing how badly I failed last attempt was not helping me believe it is possible this time. However, the explanation still holds true(with a few small edits). So I'm starting fresh in every way. ****


I am seriously trying to really kick start my weight loss. I have been working on it for a while but have hit a few snags. I have lost about 13 lbs but I really want to pick up the pace and start losing some serious weight. I really want to be better for my husband and myself.

I have started weight watchers and I am doing the Couch to 5K. I'm going to try to blog on here everyday or at least as much as I can. I need a place to sort out my thoughts, complain when it gets hard, vent when I slip up and keep myself accountable because I know someone is checking up on me. I know I need to work out, I know I need to eat right but I also know that I need to do that for myself.

I'm scared. I'm scared to think that I can actually do this. I'm scared that I will fail again. I want this so badly but I am scared to want it because I'm scared I just can't stick with it like I should.

I have a membership to a local women only gym and I am going to try to start going every day. I took part in a fitness study there and the results were very frustrating so I haven't been as much recently as I should, but I am going to try to change that soon. I'm hoping with all of the things I am working on I can find a good groove and succeed this time. I can't fail again.

I just really want it to work this time. I want to give it my all and do the best I can. I can't keep feeling this way.