This post will be short and sweet because it is late and I'm exhausted but i wanted to share the good news.
I completed my first half marathon today.
I'll post more about my experience when i get home.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Maybe I can do this
First of all, is anyone out there?!? I know I haven't been as consistent with posting the last few months and I am sorry. Did I lose everyone? Please let me know if you are still reading.
Now on to some things I touched on in my last post.
One of the big reasons I haven't been posting is because Mac left. With him deploying, everything was kicked out of whack and I felt like I lost all focus. It's hard to sit and type up a post when you can't seem to wrangle all the thoughts in your head.
But really the main reason I haven't been blogging is because I lost hope. Let me explain. I suffer from seasonal depression and when that hit this year, it hit harder than normal(because of the deployment.) I was already struggling with my eating and stalled out on the weight loss front. So that coupled with depression issues, I felt like I ran face first into a brick wall. This is the same wall I have hit over and over again in this life long struggle. The point were I start believing the voice in my head and everyone around me that says I can't do it. No, most people don't flat out say I can't do it but that is the message that I get. When my mother-in-law looks at me and asks me all of these questions about running and I hear the one she won't ask. "If you are running so much, why haven't you lost any(more) weight?" I can see it in her eyes as she looks at me when she asks. And yes, she is really wondering that. I'm sure most people are. The roll of the eyes or sarcastic remark I get from family when I talk about programs I am trying(shakeology) or new work outs I am considering doing make me feel foolish. No one expects me to change, so I stop expecting myself to succeed. I have been stuck in this rut for so long, why should I be able to get out now? Times when the motivation that was so strong and the determination that was driving me seems to have run out. I feel lost, alone and hopeless.
The Tinkerbell Half is one week away. ONE. WEEK. I'm just slightly freaking out. I have been so worried that I have wasted the past year because my training has slipped a lot the last two months. On new year's eve, when I tried to run 9 miles and couldn't finish, I was devastated. It was a hard blow and I really felt like I was doomed to repeat the past. Fortunately that weekend I was able to talk to my aunt and she helped me see that I was worth it and that I can do anything. Though that talk helped, I was still in a bad place. I tried to refocus but I continued to stumble.
Then it was time for my 11 mile training run. As it approached, I tried to treat it like the race. I tried to be more aware of what and when I was eating and how hydrated I was. I didn't want stupid things like that to be the reason I couldn't do it. I wanted to know exactly where I was physically so that I would know if finishing the Tink was even possible. I was scared, but I was ready to give it a try. I felt better during the run than I expected. I did have to stop once for the potty and once to fix my shoes but I was able to do the entire 11 miles. I walked most of the last 2 miles, but I did it. My time wasn't great. It would even be considered embarrassing for most people but it was good enough. It was good enough that if I can do the same thing at the Tink next week, I will have no problem crossing the finish line. I'm still nervous and I am still scared but I know feel like it really is a possibility. Something else that helped with that feeling is something I found online the other day. Melissa over at 13 going on Crazy had a post with this awesome pace calculator in it. I plugged in the intervals I used the other day and the paces required that it calculated are paces I know I can do even now. So when you add in the excitement and the help that race day gives you, I really shouldn't have a problem getting it done.
I finally had that little boost I needed to feel like it was all possible.
I have been dealing with a lot of regret lately, too, because I realized we are 2 1/2 months into this deployment and I haven't made any real progress with my weight. Yes, it is awesome that I am doing better with my running but I want to feel better and have a body that says runner, not one that makes people look at me like I have two heads when I tell them how far I have ran. (Though that is a response most distance runners get, it is even worse when you weigh over 200 lbs because they don't expect you to be able to walk a block let alone run 11 miles.) I want to be the person I have always wanted to be. I want to be able to go shopping where ever the hell I want and actually be able to buy clothes not just shoes. I want to be sexy. I feel like I have wasted so much time already and that was just one more thing that made me want to give up.
This past week, I found out the window for Mac's R&R. That means I have been researching options and beginning to plan more seriously. I still have 7 months before I will see him. I still have time to make a big change and I am starting to find that drive and determination again. I keep looking at places to go and stay and I keep finding myself looking for a common amenity or feature. I keep looking to see if there is a beach or a pool because I want to be so different by then that I WANT to wear a bathing suit. I want to see my husbands face light up and his eyes bug out a little when he sees me because that would be a version of me he has NEVER seen. I want to need to go and buy all new clothes before R&R because nothing I have will stay on me. I want to be a new person.
I'm really looking forward to the race finally. I feel like it is going to be the last nudge I need to really kick things into high gear and start making a big change. I want to prove everyone wrong. I want to prove myself wrong.
I want to succeed and I am finally starting to believe that I can.
Now on to some things I touched on in my last post.
One of the big reasons I haven't been posting is because Mac left. With him deploying, everything was kicked out of whack and I felt like I lost all focus. It's hard to sit and type up a post when you can't seem to wrangle all the thoughts in your head.
But really the main reason I haven't been blogging is because I lost hope. Let me explain. I suffer from seasonal depression and when that hit this year, it hit harder than normal(because of the deployment.) I was already struggling with my eating and stalled out on the weight loss front. So that coupled with depression issues, I felt like I ran face first into a brick wall. This is the same wall I have hit over and over again in this life long struggle. The point were I start believing the voice in my head and everyone around me that says I can't do it. No, most people don't flat out say I can't do it but that is the message that I get. When my mother-in-law looks at me and asks me all of these questions about running and I hear the one she won't ask. "If you are running so much, why haven't you lost any(more) weight?" I can see it in her eyes as she looks at me when she asks. And yes, she is really wondering that. I'm sure most people are. The roll of the eyes or sarcastic remark I get from family when I talk about programs I am trying(shakeology) or new work outs I am considering doing make me feel foolish. No one expects me to change, so I stop expecting myself to succeed. I have been stuck in this rut for so long, why should I be able to get out now? Times when the motivation that was so strong and the determination that was driving me seems to have run out. I feel lost, alone and hopeless.
The Tinkerbell Half is one week away. ONE. WEEK. I'm just slightly freaking out. I have been so worried that I have wasted the past year because my training has slipped a lot the last two months. On new year's eve, when I tried to run 9 miles and couldn't finish, I was devastated. It was a hard blow and I really felt like I was doomed to repeat the past. Fortunately that weekend I was able to talk to my aunt and she helped me see that I was worth it and that I can do anything. Though that talk helped, I was still in a bad place. I tried to refocus but I continued to stumble.
Then it was time for my 11 mile training run. As it approached, I tried to treat it like the race. I tried to be more aware of what and when I was eating and how hydrated I was. I didn't want stupid things like that to be the reason I couldn't do it. I wanted to know exactly where I was physically so that I would know if finishing the Tink was even possible. I was scared, but I was ready to give it a try. I felt better during the run than I expected. I did have to stop once for the potty and once to fix my shoes but I was able to do the entire 11 miles. I walked most of the last 2 miles, but I did it. My time wasn't great. It would even be considered embarrassing for most people but it was good enough. It was good enough that if I can do the same thing at the Tink next week, I will have no problem crossing the finish line. I'm still nervous and I am still scared but I know feel like it really is a possibility. Something else that helped with that feeling is something I found online the other day. Melissa over at 13 going on Crazy had a post with this awesome pace calculator in it. I plugged in the intervals I used the other day and the paces required that it calculated are paces I know I can do even now. So when you add in the excitement and the help that race day gives you, I really shouldn't have a problem getting it done.
I finally had that little boost I needed to feel like it was all possible.
I have been dealing with a lot of regret lately, too, because I realized we are 2 1/2 months into this deployment and I haven't made any real progress with my weight. Yes, it is awesome that I am doing better with my running but I want to feel better and have a body that says runner, not one that makes people look at me like I have two heads when I tell them how far I have ran. (Though that is a response most distance runners get, it is even worse when you weigh over 200 lbs because they don't expect you to be able to walk a block let alone run 11 miles.) I want to be the person I have always wanted to be. I want to be able to go shopping where ever the hell I want and actually be able to buy clothes not just shoes. I want to be sexy. I feel like I have wasted so much time already and that was just one more thing that made me want to give up.
This past week, I found out the window for Mac's R&R. That means I have been researching options and beginning to plan more seriously. I still have 7 months before I will see him. I still have time to make a big change and I am starting to find that drive and determination again. I keep looking at places to go and stay and I keep finding myself looking for a common amenity or feature. I keep looking to see if there is a beach or a pool because I want to be so different by then that I WANT to wear a bathing suit. I want to see my husbands face light up and his eyes bug out a little when he sees me because that would be a version of me he has NEVER seen. I want to need to go and buy all new clothes before R&R because nothing I have will stay on me. I want to be a new person.
I'm really looking forward to the race finally. I feel like it is going to be the last nudge I need to really kick things into high gear and start making a big change. I want to prove everyone wrong. I want to prove myself wrong.
I want to succeed and I am finally starting to believe that I can.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Huge confidence boost
I know, I'm sorry, I've been quiet lately. In reality, everything hasn't been going very well and I have hit some emotional and mental walls. I am starting to break through them though and today's run is playing a huge part in helping with that. I will try to talk more about all of it later but the short version of today's success is:
I ran 11 miles in a pace that would let me finish the Tinkerbell Half!!!!!
This is a huge deal because I was really starting to freak out about it. I'll elaborate more later but I just wanted to share that now in case it takes a day or two for me to find the time for a full post.
I ran 11 miles in a pace that would let me finish the Tinkerbell Half!!!!!
This is a huge deal because I was really starting to freak out about it. I'll elaborate more later but I just wanted to share that now in case it takes a day or two for me to find the time for a full post.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Revelations and Resolutions
The last month has been eye opening for me in a few ways. I have realized some of the things that have been holding me back and what I am going to need to do to succeed. I also realized that I have to come to terms with the very real facts that I am not where I wanted to be by now and that it will greatly affect my chances of finishing the Tinkerbell this month. My long run this weekend was bad. My pace was crap and my feet were killing me so badly that I actually wasn't able to go as far as I was supposed to. I am going to keep training and pushing but I also have to look at the facts and prepare myself for the possibility of being swept again. I've talked about this with a few people and they keep telling me how I need to believe and that I will finish. I know they are trying to be nice but I'm being realistic. Someone else said that as long as I can walk, I can finish because others have finished by walking the entire thing. That is not true for me because I walk to slowly. People don't realize that with my run/walk intervals, my average pace is on the verge of being slower than the required pace. I know that I can go slower than the 16 min mile requirement and still finish if I have a good corral placement but the reality is, I can't go much faster than that. I AM SLOW! I'm ok with the fact that I am slow but I can't seem to get people to understand this fact. I say slow, they think 12 minute mile. No, I'm slower than that. I would love to do a 12 min mile average pace and one day I will but that will not be any time soon. I just can't seem to get people to understand that when I say slow, I mean SLOOOOOWWW. Haha.
Anyway, I have resolved to finish what I started. I am going to lose this weight. I am going to run and I am going to get in shape. I am going to be a different woman when my husband sees me next. I'm going to break the cycle. I'm going to finally become the woman I have always wanted to be. This will be my year.
Anyway, I have resolved to finish what I started. I am going to lose this weight. I am going to run and I am going to get in shape. I am going to be a different woman when my husband sees me next. I'm going to break the cycle. I'm going to finally become the woman I have always wanted to be. This will be my year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)