UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, I'm a little frustrated and it has been a long time since I have posted. In a lot of ways, nothing has changed, but I am hoping that will not be the case much longer.
A while back, I had a really bad day. I could barely put any weight at all on my left ankle and even while sitting with it propped up I was in enough pain to randomly start crying over it. It was a REALLY bad day. After that, I finally decided to make a new appointment to see if there was anything we could do to help. They decided to send me for an MRI just to be sure there wasn't some damage that had been missed before.
Finally having the MRI was a good and bad thing. I was very torn. Of course you don't want them to find damage because that most likely means surgery, but I also didn't want them to say there was nothing because I have definitely been hurting and want answers. Two days after the MRI, I received a call that there was some inflammation but no damage. They referred me to Physical Therapy and to the Brace Shop for a brace and possibly orthotics. While I was happy to be referred to PT, I was still apprehensive about what might happen next.
Last week I went in for my initial consult with PT. It was nice having someone that seemed to actually listen but I was still nervous. He addressed the fact that a lot of what is going on probably goes back to my right knee and hip still being so weak, which I understand. His prescribed treatment focuses mostly on my right leg so I was still worried that my left ankle would either get worse or just not get any better.
Yesterday, I had my first session in the gym. It was tough and there were a few things I was worried my ankle couldn't handle but it did. Of course there was pain and some swelling but it also seemed a little better. Tonight, I decided to try to restart the Galloway Garmin training. Again, it was tough and not really running, but I did it. It was just the super short "benchmark run" but I have to start somewhere. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about things but it is hard.
I am fighting with how I feel right now. Part of me is happy because it feels like things might actually get better, but I am also very mad at myself because if it is getting better now, it could have been better already. I feel like I have wasted so much time hurting and missing out on things. But so much has lead to this point and much of that revolves around medical care professionals just not listening to me.
When we were in SC, I had a horrible time with my PCM and clinic. When I went in with horrible knee pain, my PCM told me I was fat and had arthritis and just needed to get over it.(Of course it was not said that way but that was the message I received.) Then I was basically accused of just trying to get them to give me pain meds. I wanted to walk out with just pain pills, I wanted the problem fixed. Once I did get someone to listen and had the surgery on my knee, I still had to fight to try to get sent to PT, which they never did. Not long after that is when I found out we were moving to Germany so I gave up on getting anything done there. I was tired of feeling like I was beating my head against a wall. Even though I have had some better experiences with the clinics and people I have seen here, I am still a little gun shy. That is why it took so long for me to go back about my ankle. I kept hoping it would get better but it only got worse.
But I also feel like having the MRI on my ankle was a big part of me being able to move forward now. There have been so many questions about it since I sprained it in the first place that I have been scared to push it too far. When I dealt with so much pain when we would travel, I was terrified that there was something bigger going on and I was making it all worse. Now that I know there are no tears or major damage, I know I can push it a little farther. I will still deal with pain for a while because it is going to take a bit for it to get used to being used more, but knowing that I am not making it worse in some way now gives me permission to push through. I'm really hoping that by pairing in house PT twice a week for the next few weeks and slowly getting back into run/walking that I will find myself in a much better place in a few months.
I still have a LONG way to go. There is some atrophy in the quad on my right leg and it is going to take a while to strengthen it and everything else around my knee. There is still no explanation about why I have so much swelling in my knee so I will be having an MRI on it just to check things out next week. I'm also trying to start making better decisions with eating. It has been hard the last six months with Mac's schedule. When he has been home, he has been working so late that I rarely knew when to expect him. Then when he gets home there isn't a ton of time to cook before he needs to go to bed so we have been getting food where ever we can and not eating the best. Then there are the times when he is gone TDY and I have a hard time figuring out food for just me. I'm trying to figure out things to do and eat to make things better because I know losing weight will help my joints too.
On top of all of that, I am trying to find my way out of the funk I have been in for too long. I have not created or built anything in way too long. I'm finally working on a few projects and it is making me feel more like myself again. I have a few more things already lined up and I am excited about how things are turning out so far.
There's still a goo bit of work to do on myself and everything else, but for the first time in a long time, I am optimistic about where I am headed.
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
Sunday, February 3, 2019
Let's try that again
So things have not gone as planned since my last post. I was going to start Transform 20 on January 14 with the launch of the program. I was also planning on doing the Garmin coaching with Jeff Galloway for the Beginner 5K training. Unfortunately, my head got the better of me and I have not been doing my workouts like I should.
I did the benchmark run on Jan. 7 so that Garmin could set up my workout schedule based on my abilities at the start. It was just 5 minutes. It was tough and very humbling. I realized very quickly how far I have fallen from where I was. A week later I did the first workout for Transform 20. At the end, I broke down in tears. I honestly was not sure why I was crying. It was hard, but I mostly made it through. There were several things that I could not do but by the end, I figured out how to modify things the best I could. I can't do anything on the floor because I can't get off the floor fast enough to move into the next exercise. Part of the tears where because I was ashamed and part were because I was glad I completed the first workout.
The next day, however, shame and embarrassment were the dominant feelings. I was also in a good deal of pain because my body was so unfamiliar with working out again. I let the self doubt take over and I barely did anything that day. The rest of the week wasn't much different. I stopped paying attention to my scheduled run training and quickly slipped back into that dark place that keeps me from moving forward.
After a little over a week, I realized I was cheating myself. I started to shift my thinking but I was not quite ready to try again. What did happen though was that I started playing Pokemon Go more seriously again. I know that might not seem like a big deal but it was for me. I live very close to a PoGo gym and I started walking down to it several times a day to grab rewards and catch a few pokemon that pop up along the fence.(Pokemon are not allowed to spawn on military installations) Even though the walk is very short, the fact that I was leaving the house a few times a day and walking some helped me to start moving a little more each day. I have my daily steps goal set very low because I just wasn't moving much so 10,000 steps is just not practical yet. Even though my goal is lower than most, I was not reaching it very often until I started playing Pokemon Go again. Then one night I happened to walk over while a legendary raid was starting and I met several people that play on base. I joined their group chat to find out when players were meeting up for raids and started going out to meet up with them a few times a day. I started breaking through the fog more and more and realized I was able to walk and do a little more without hurting as much so I decided maybe it was time to try again.
Yesterday, I restarted the Garmin 5K coaching and today I did a new benchmark run. It went way better than I expected and better than when I did it a few weeks ago. I still have a long way to go but this time I was able to run a lot more of the 5 minutes. When I tried the first time, I was only able to run one of the five minutes. This time, I ran the first minute, took a little break and then was able to run a few 30 second stretches through the rest of the five minutes. It wasn't all that comfortable on my joints but it wasn't horrible either. It actually felt better than I had feared since everything has been rebelling since I cleaned the garage the other night. I was wearing my braces and focused on my form so that I wasn't do more harm than good. After tonight, I actually feel like running again is a possibility. After my first run a month ago, I wasn't so sure about that.
For now, the plan is to continue the Garmin training. I like the way the coaches training works because they analyze each weeks workouts and tailor the next week to fit where you are physically while slowly building on what you have been doing. I'm also planning to start Transform 20 again tomorrow(Monday). This time I will have a better idea of how I need to set things up to allow myself to be able to modify and do more this time around.
Right now, I am in a much better head space than I was last month. Hopefully I can keep my mind right this time and push forward. Once I start seeing some progress, it is much easier to stay focused and committed. Right now, I have 32 weeks until Disneyland Paris Half Marathon. I'm hoping I can do the half, but will at least do the 10K. If I can refocus and be smart, I think the half is very possible.
Let's see how take two goes...
I did the benchmark run on Jan. 7 so that Garmin could set up my workout schedule based on my abilities at the start. It was just 5 minutes. It was tough and very humbling. I realized very quickly how far I have fallen from where I was. A week later I did the first workout for Transform 20. At the end, I broke down in tears. I honestly was not sure why I was crying. It was hard, but I mostly made it through. There were several things that I could not do but by the end, I figured out how to modify things the best I could. I can't do anything on the floor because I can't get off the floor fast enough to move into the next exercise. Part of the tears where because I was ashamed and part were because I was glad I completed the first workout.
The next day, however, shame and embarrassment were the dominant feelings. I was also in a good deal of pain because my body was so unfamiliar with working out again. I let the self doubt take over and I barely did anything that day. The rest of the week wasn't much different. I stopped paying attention to my scheduled run training and quickly slipped back into that dark place that keeps me from moving forward.
After a little over a week, I realized I was cheating myself. I started to shift my thinking but I was not quite ready to try again. What did happen though was that I started playing Pokemon Go more seriously again. I know that might not seem like a big deal but it was for me. I live very close to a PoGo gym and I started walking down to it several times a day to grab rewards and catch a few pokemon that pop up along the fence.(Pokemon are not allowed to spawn on military installations) Even though the walk is very short, the fact that I was leaving the house a few times a day and walking some helped me to start moving a little more each day. I have my daily steps goal set very low because I just wasn't moving much so 10,000 steps is just not practical yet. Even though my goal is lower than most, I was not reaching it very often until I started playing Pokemon Go again. Then one night I happened to walk over while a legendary raid was starting and I met several people that play on base. I joined their group chat to find out when players were meeting up for raids and started going out to meet up with them a few times a day. I started breaking through the fog more and more and realized I was able to walk and do a little more without hurting as much so I decided maybe it was time to try again.
Yesterday, I restarted the Garmin 5K coaching and today I did a new benchmark run. It went way better than I expected and better than when I did it a few weeks ago. I still have a long way to go but this time I was able to run a lot more of the 5 minutes. When I tried the first time, I was only able to run one of the five minutes. This time, I ran the first minute, took a little break and then was able to run a few 30 second stretches through the rest of the five minutes. It wasn't all that comfortable on my joints but it wasn't horrible either. It actually felt better than I had feared since everything has been rebelling since I cleaned the garage the other night. I was wearing my braces and focused on my form so that I wasn't do more harm than good. After tonight, I actually feel like running again is a possibility. After my first run a month ago, I wasn't so sure about that.
For now, the plan is to continue the Garmin training. I like the way the coaches training works because they analyze each weeks workouts and tailor the next week to fit where you are physically while slowly building on what you have been doing. I'm also planning to start Transform 20 again tomorrow(Monday). This time I will have a better idea of how I need to set things up to allow myself to be able to modify and do more this time around.
Right now, I am in a much better head space than I was last month. Hopefully I can keep my mind right this time and push forward. Once I start seeing some progress, it is much easier to stay focused and committed. Right now, I have 32 weeks until Disneyland Paris Half Marathon. I'm hoping I can do the half, but will at least do the 10K. If I can refocus and be smart, I think the half is very possible.
Let's see how take two goes...
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