Fear

Fear is a crippling thing if you let it. More times than not, my failures in this journey have been the result of fear. But something amazing has happened the times that I have decided to face those fears. The first was when I attempted the Princess the first time. I was so scared of failing that I had no idea what an amazing thing I could gain from it. I tried and I failed, but it gave me the drive and determination to try again and I have now completed not one but two half marathons.

Another time that I decided to face a fear head on was a little different though. When Mac and I traveled during his block leave before deployment we went to a place called the Enchanted Rock. It is a large pink granite rock that the native Americans believed was magic. It is definitely an unusual and awesome sight and truly a giant rock. There are hiking trails to the top and we decided to climb. Most of the trails are pretty much straight up. Once you get so high, there are no trails at all. You are just on a huge rock and you figure out how to go up. I kept thinking we were getting there then we would get to the top of a ridge and see that there was still a ways to go. I was getting tired and I was getting scared. We were getting pretty high and it was very windy. There were no trees or anything to grab if you felt unsteady. After a while, I sat down and said I had gone far enough.. I told Mac to go on without me. 

I sat there staring out, very down and disappointed with myself. I hated that I was chickening out. I hated that I was quitting. I started thinking about my journey and how far I have come. I thought about my husband standing on top of that rock. Finally, I stood up, turned around and started walking up. After a few minutes I was at the top with Mac. He was a little surprised to see me but happy as well. We weren’t at the highest point, that was  off to the side and a little too out there for either of us with the wind blowing as hard as it was, but we were close. We talked about why I had decided to keep going and why I was so afraid. I was glad to find out that Mac had taken a picture of me as I was sitting down below. We took pictures of each other looked around a little while and headed back down. I had done it, I had faced another fear and it paid off. 

It's one of the big reasons I want to change. There are so many things that my husband loves and would love to do with me but I won't because I am too scared. It's odd for me to say that because looking back as a child, I was fearless. High school broke my spirit and then during and after college when I gained the weight, I lost all confidence in myself and my abilities. That fear has gripped me and affected my life for more years than I care to admit. 

So many times I feel like what is still holding me back is fear. Fear of failing, fear of not being able to lose the weight, but also fear of success and what it would mean for my life to completely change. Fear of the unknown. I’ve been stuck in this place so long that I am afraid of anything else. I trying to face those fears and move forward but it is not an easy step to take. 

 The tiny dot in the middle of the road is me.

At the top