Why

At the beginning of the 10 Day Challenge, Lindsey asked us what our why was and asked us to share it with her. It took me a little while to figure out my why for the challenge but I have known my whys for my journey ever since I really got serious about it.

It is very important to have a very clear understanding of your "whys" when you are on a journey to getting healthy. Not only why you want to be healthy, but also why you need to get healthy. I don't mean the nutritional benefits or for your family but what caused you to get to a point where you needed to change. What got you to the point of needing to exercise and eat better. What were you eating and WHY? People don't always realize it but so much of why we end up in those bad places has to do with low self esteem, feeling worthless or lost. Emotional eating or just giving up on yourself. I am about to share my "why" for doing the 10 Day Challenge that I shared with her, but within it is a big "why" for how I ended up needing this journey so badly. What follows was taken directly from the email I sent her.

Earlier you asked for our "why." I haven't answered because there is a lot to mine, especially concerning my journey as a whole. But I finally figured out my why for this part of my journey other than helping me get back on track and heading where I want to be. My why is to say goodbye to 240 forever. Ever since my husband deployed last November I have yo-yoed between 240 and 235. I have been proud of myself that despite the issues I have had this deployment, I have not gained much weight back but I can't seem to leave 240 behind. Every time I lose a few pounds, something happens and I slip up and I always see 240 again. I haven't let myself get over 240 but I can't seem to leave it behind.

I remember when I hit 240 the first time. It was almost five years ago(January will be 5 years) Mac had just commissioned and started his army career that September, on September 30th we celebrated our first anniversary and in October I moved to El Paso to live in a hotel with him for 5 months. I knew I had had been gaining weight since we got married(and before) and so while in El Paso, I decided to try to get in shape since I had nothing else to do while he was in classes. I went to walmart and bought a scale and I was in the 230s at the time. The longer we lived in that hotel room, the more we ate out and the these I did. I was in a strange place, far from family and friends and living out of a suitcase. I was sad and lonely. I remember when I hit 239, I swore I was never going to hit 240 and tried to start working out. There was an indoor pool just across the street from out hotel and we were allowed to use it. I used to love to swim so I decided I would go. I went in and I was immediately intimidated by the soldiers in there swimming. I still got in the pool but after about 2 laps, I had to get out because I started having a panic attack. I was so ashamed of what I had become and so intimidated by how fit the people around me were that I could not stop crying or catch my breathe. I calmed down enough to get to the locker run and collect my things before crying all the way back to our room. I was so ashamed. the next week I hit 240 and I think that is when I really just gave up. I would "try" to get in shape or lose weight but it was never wholehearted from that point on. Not until the day I tried to do the Princess the first time. That was the day that everything changed and those 8 miles saved my life.

It's time for me to leave 240 behind forever. As of right now, the scale says 235 and hopefully I will keep moving forward. I haven't really been working out the way I should but I am determined that this week, I will get back into my insanity workouts on a regular basis and I will continue to make strides in the right direction. I won't be where I want to be when Mac gets home but I will still be a better me and once he is here, we will begin our half training together. He will also make the cooking easier since I will finally be cooking for more than just myself.