Tears

My poor husband, I feel sorry for what he has to listen to sometimes. I hate it when we are talking through a video call and I end up blubbering through the entire conversation. I try to "be strong" and I try not to cry but some days I just can't help it. This week has been full of ups and downs. I just returned to our home in TX late Sunday night. The last time I was here, it was mere days after he left to go back to the Middle East to finish out his deployment. Deployments are always full of highs and lows. Unfortunately, I am currently facing a low. We are winding down and it seems like the end may be in sight but it is still far enough away to feel like forever. I want the next 4 months to fly by and slow down all at once.

All of the deployment emotions simply compound the emotions of this journey. So many people don't understand how much of an emotional battle losing weight really is for someone as large as I am. It always frustrates me when smaller people make it out like it is so simple. "Just eat right and exercise and you'll get there." Sorry, it doesn't actually work that way. Sure if you eat right and exercise you will lose weight but if you don't find, confront and deal with the issues that got you where you are, you'll be back there before you know it. I've been dealing with a lot of jealousy, disappointment and fear lately.

I am mad at myself for not being further along in this journey by now. I am frustrated that after all the work I've put in, I still can't see a lot of results. I really wanted Mac to come home to a new wife but I feel like I have wasted the last 8 months and though I can still make a change, it won't be as big as the one he deserves. I keep trying to figure out why I haven't just done it and every time I think about it, all I can think of is how scared I am. I am terrified that I will try and still fail. That I will give it my all, eat right, work out all the time, improve my running and still be 230+. Because of this fear and lack of confidence, I have been self sabotaging. I skip workouts when I know I should just do it. I buy things to have as "treats" every once in a while and then sit down and eat the whole box. I start the day off right and eat like I should, then binge later in the day because "what's the point, I'm never going to lose the weight anyway."

The last few weeks though my biggest problem has been the green eyed monster. I look at people that start out smaller than me and lose weight like it is nothing. They jump into intense training plans with no second thought and have great results. They just cut out sodas and the pounds melt off. They decide to start running and their "slow" starting pace is 4 minutes faster than the pace I have worked over a year to get. It pisses me off and hurts more than I can ever say because I have been busting my ass for a year. I am in better shape than most of them yet they are the ones that everyone notices they are losing weight and I'm still just the fat chick. I can run farther and longer than they can. I can do more squats, lunges and hold a plank longer. I can do more sit-ups and crunches but no one sees a change in me and they drop 3 dress sizes in a blink. It's hard to watch that. It is hard to live that.

I spent most of an hour crying while talking to my husband this afternoon. We talked about my plan of attack. What I want to do workout wise and how I am going to tackle some of my eating challenges. He understands because he has a sweet tooth that has kept him around the top of his weight limit for his age in Army standards. He is trying to lose the little bit of belly he has gained since we married. I am going to try a new approach. Instead of repeating the same workout program I did a few months ago, I'm going to try a new one. I've been having trouble getting back into the Slim in 6 program because I started it once already and when I quit I was further along than I am now when I am trying to get back into it. I think I need something new so that I am not constantly reminded that I have backtracked some these last few months. Once I am done or farther along in the new program, I may add it back in, but for now, I need to just walk away from it. I can't keep trying things that are only frustrating me more. I have to find new ways to work hard and get where I want to be. I get so focused on forcing myself to do things a certain way that I forget that sometimes, those things just don't help, they only make it harder. I want to be an athlete again. I want to be a runner. I want to look sexy and feel good about myself.

For now, I just have to remind myself that :

I will make my goals.

I will change my life.

I will become the woman I have always wanted to be.

I will be the wife my husband deserves.

I will succeed.