Thanks for the kind words and encouragement and mostly thanks so much for not lecturing me about what I am going through. It is just one of those times when you just don't feel like things are going well even though you know you are trying. After a while it just starts to wear on you.
Fortunately, tonight was a good night. I had a good run. Not a great run, but it was good and I needed that. I basically did a 5K. Knowing that I could do 3 miles again was encouraging, and if Lisa was right with her comment, that should mean I will have no problem with the 10K on Monday since it is about 15-20 degrees cooler in Macon than it is here in the mornings. Right now the forecast says the temp for Monday morning is 67. SIXTY-FREAKIN'-SEVEN!! I'm so excited.(If you couldn't tell) It will probably be between 70 and 75 when I am running but that is awesome too. I haven't had a run below 85 in months and the last few weeks it has been 90 or 95 while I was running. Tonight it was around 94 when we went out. I felt good. I took it slow and my husband had water for me this time. I know that I can do better than I did tonight because my time at the last 5K(which I struggled at) was about ten minutes faster than tonight. That is giving me some hope because I felt really good after the run tonight. Knowing that it will be cooler and that the course is mostly down hill, I'm feeling more confident and more excited about the run on Monday.
Right now my plan is to get in a short easy run Thursday night after I get into GA just to see how I feel, see how the different temps feel and to just get one more run in before the race. Then I'm just going to take it easy until the race. I'll be on my feet a good bit on Friday so Saturday and Sunday will be lazy days. The reason I will be on my feet Friday is because I am going dress shopping with my best friend back home. I'm getting more excited about the big party too. I LOVE my dress. I can't wait until the next payday so I can pay it off and go pick it up. I'm so excited to find something gorgeous for her. We will also be on the search for some killer shoes to go along with mine. It's just so nice to be happy and excited when I think about the upcoming event instead of beginning to dread it like I was.
I'm starting to feel a little more like myself. I think I just needed to get it all out there and then have a decent workout again. Honestly, the weight loss plateau was not bothering me nearly as much while I was still getting good workouts in, but as soon as those started sucking it just all hit me like a ton of bricks. Having one thing back on track makes me feel like getting everything else back is possible. I'm also changing my outlook and expectations for the coming months. I have a lot of races coming up. A 10K next week, a 10 miler in Oct and a half marathon in November. My goal for the Disney races have changed. Now I just want to finish. I was trying to push myself to be able to run the entire 13.1 miles. I'm starting to realize I have been putting too much pressure on myself and now I am focusing more on the walk/run method and just making sure that I get my pace down enough to stay ahead of the balloons.(For those unfamiliar with Disney races, the balloons are tied to the race pacers, and if they pass you, you are in danger of being picked up. I know, I followed that witch for my last mile of the race this year. No matter how hard I willed it, she never tripped so I could catch up. Haha)
Now that I am not planning to go home for my high-school reunion, I will be able to participate in the Army Shadow 10 miler here. I'm a little nervous but I know that I can do it even if I end up walking most of it. I still have 5 months to get ready for the Tink so I am not going to kill myself for an untimed race. Then it will be the Run to Remember in November which will be my first official half marathon. Once again, I'm not going to push too hard because I am just using it as a reading of where I am. That way I know how much I have to do to be able to keep pace for the Tink. One of the things that I love about races here is that there is no time limit. You don't feel as much pressure and they don't care how long it takes you to get done. It will be a great way to gauge my progress and see how far I have to go.
Things are getting back on track. I really just want to thank you for your support and understanding that sometimes you just need to get something off your chest. Like I've said before, there is a reason the word battle is in the title of my blog. This journey is not an easy one and sometimes I may feel like I've lost a battle or two. The point is to move forward and win the war.
I will be healthier, I will get fit, and I will be the woman that I have always wanted to be.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Bad Week(s)
A while back when I posted about The Road to My Low, I said that one of the most important things to me this time around was honesty and being open to share everything with all of you out there. I know that my posts haven't had the same tone for a while now and if I am being completely honest with you, it's because I have been going through a pretty rough time.
I've been struggling a lot emotionally in the last few weeks. Things really started with the plateau I hit in June/July. I was so frustrated with feeling stuck and having no idea why. I was doing everything I was supposed to but I wasn't really seeing any results, not on the scale anyway. I knew things were changing with my measurements but not really seeing on the scale started getting to me. I know I've done well by losing 17 pounds since starting WW and 27 pounds total but I feel like it isn't enough. I feel like I should be further along.
When I made the decision in April to really be serious and start going to meetings, I expected things to be easier. I expected to see quicker results. I knew that my husband I were planning a big anniversary party and I had my 10 year high school reunion, both in October. I had all of these high hopes of seeing such a huge difference by then. Now we are just a month away from the party and I feel like I am failing. I know that I am not because I am still trying but I have had so many bad days lately that I have really just wanted to quit. I know I can't quit and I won't but it has been hard to continue working when it feels like nothing is going right.
I have the 10K coming up in a week. I'm not even remotely excited about it. I am terrified. I feel like I have gone backwards with my running lately. There is only so much you can do here before the heat just sucks everything out of you. I can barely even do a mile without feeling like I am going to die. I am not expecting the race to go well but I'm going to do it anyway. Right now I just feel like a fraud when it comes to running. I keep reading about people that are training for a half or even just friends that run that are just going out for a normal workout. they talk about how they did 3 mile in 35 minutes and had a sluggish day. They expect ridicule when they do three miles in 30 minutes or feel like they have an off day because they just ran 5 miles. I would LOVE to be able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. I would be so ecstatic if that was my time one day. Even friends that have never ran before that are also trying to lose weight are running consistent 13 min miles. I can't even do that. I feel like I am such a loser and that I have no reason to think I can ever do this when I see these things. I still feel like I have so far to go that there really is no point. I'm supposed to be running the Tink in 5 months. Right now I feel like it is going to be a wasted trip.
I'm just struggling a lot with confidence issues. I'm in the process of really getting ready for our big party. My plan was to buy this killer sexy dress but the silhouette I wanted is a little more revealing than I would be comfortable in at this point. I really wanted something that would hug my curves and show off my progress but even though I am sure I could find one that looked good, I would not be comfortable in it at all. I would focus so much on the areas that are not even close to where I wanted them to be at this point that I would hate the way I looked. I found a dress today. I love it, but at the same time, I know it is not what I wanted. It is a different silhouette and though it looks great on, I feel like I should have done more. I still have so far to go. Some days it just feels impossible and I feel foolish for thinking I could even do it. I know I can but sometimes, it just doesn't feel that way.
I seriously considered disabling the comments on this post but I won't. Please don't tell me what I am doing wrong or what I need to do differently. I know you may mean well but that really isn't the kind of feedback I need right now. Right now I really just want to know that I am not alone and that people are there to listen when I'm having a really rough time. I have tons of resources for ways to succeed but sometimes when you are emotionally burnt out, you just need a listening ear and a word of encouragement and understanding, not advice and instructions. This isn't one of those times when I am struggling because I can't figure out what to eat or I can't find the right training program, it really is because my confidence is shaken and I am just emotionally drained. It doesn't help that my husband's deployment is very rapidly approaching and I really don't know how I am going to do this while he is gone.
I'm just really hoping I can have a good weigh-in and an encouraging run sometime soon so that I don't feel like I am wasting my time.
I've been struggling a lot emotionally in the last few weeks. Things really started with the plateau I hit in June/July. I was so frustrated with feeling stuck and having no idea why. I was doing everything I was supposed to but I wasn't really seeing any results, not on the scale anyway. I knew things were changing with my measurements but not really seeing on the scale started getting to me. I know I've done well by losing 17 pounds since starting WW and 27 pounds total but I feel like it isn't enough. I feel like I should be further along.
When I made the decision in April to really be serious and start going to meetings, I expected things to be easier. I expected to see quicker results. I knew that my husband I were planning a big anniversary party and I had my 10 year high school reunion, both in October. I had all of these high hopes of seeing such a huge difference by then. Now we are just a month away from the party and I feel like I am failing. I know that I am not because I am still trying but I have had so many bad days lately that I have really just wanted to quit. I know I can't quit and I won't but it has been hard to continue working when it feels like nothing is going right.
I have the 10K coming up in a week. I'm not even remotely excited about it. I am terrified. I feel like I have gone backwards with my running lately. There is only so much you can do here before the heat just sucks everything out of you. I can barely even do a mile without feeling like I am going to die. I am not expecting the race to go well but I'm going to do it anyway. Right now I just feel like a fraud when it comes to running. I keep reading about people that are training for a half or even just friends that run that are just going out for a normal workout. they talk about how they did 3 mile in 35 minutes and had a sluggish day. They expect ridicule when they do three miles in 30 minutes or feel like they have an off day because they just ran 5 miles. I would LOVE to be able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. I would be so ecstatic if that was my time one day. Even friends that have never ran before that are also trying to lose weight are running consistent 13 min miles. I can't even do that. I feel like I am such a loser and that I have no reason to think I can ever do this when I see these things. I still feel like I have so far to go that there really is no point. I'm supposed to be running the Tink in 5 months. Right now I feel like it is going to be a wasted trip.
I'm just struggling a lot with confidence issues. I'm in the process of really getting ready for our big party. My plan was to buy this killer sexy dress but the silhouette I wanted is a little more revealing than I would be comfortable in at this point. I really wanted something that would hug my curves and show off my progress but even though I am sure I could find one that looked good, I would not be comfortable in it at all. I would focus so much on the areas that are not even close to where I wanted them to be at this point that I would hate the way I looked. I found a dress today. I love it, but at the same time, I know it is not what I wanted. It is a different silhouette and though it looks great on, I feel like I should have done more. I still have so far to go. Some days it just feels impossible and I feel foolish for thinking I could even do it. I know I can but sometimes, it just doesn't feel that way.
I seriously considered disabling the comments on this post but I won't. Please don't tell me what I am doing wrong or what I need to do differently. I know you may mean well but that really isn't the kind of feedback I need right now. Right now I really just want to know that I am not alone and that people are there to listen when I'm having a really rough time. I have tons of resources for ways to succeed but sometimes when you are emotionally burnt out, you just need a listening ear and a word of encouragement and understanding, not advice and instructions. This isn't one of those times when I am struggling because I can't figure out what to eat or I can't find the right training program, it really is because my confidence is shaken and I am just emotionally drained. It doesn't help that my husband's deployment is very rapidly approaching and I really don't know how I am going to do this while he is gone.
I'm just really hoping I can have a good weigh-in and an encouraging run sometime soon so that I don't feel like I am wasting my time.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sweltering
The heat here is really doing me in. I almost feel like I am going backwards because the runs are getting harder as it continues to be so unbearably hot. For a while, even though it was over 100 during the day, it would fall to around 80 or 85 by 10 or 11 at night. Now, it is still 95 degrees at midnight. It is just an oppressive heat. My pace is suffering and I feel like I am over heating every time I run.
Tonight was the worst one so far. We decided to go a different route and it meant that we weren't right near the house. Unfortunately we did not have any water with us or any way to get some so I had to stop running about half way through the workout. I was afraid if I kept pushing without water, I was going to pass out. I am thinking of investing in a camelbak waist belt. The reservoir sits in the small of your back and you can tighten it down as you drink so it doesn't slosh around as much. I can't run and carry a water bottle. It is just too awkward for me.
I'm struggling with a lot of doubts right now. I am scared that I won't be ready and I will fail again. I really hope this all gets easier when the temps drop again. The temps should be much more pleasant at the 10K and hopefully that will give me a better idea of where I am. I know that I still have 5 months before the first Disney Half but I am still feeling unsure. It's just a lot of old insecurities creeping in.
Ugh, I would LOVE to run in the rain. We need rain so, so badly. Not just a day but a whole week of it. It would feel heavenly.
Tonight was the worst one so far. We decided to go a different route and it meant that we weren't right near the house. Unfortunately we did not have any water with us or any way to get some so I had to stop running about half way through the workout. I was afraid if I kept pushing without water, I was going to pass out. I am thinking of investing in a camelbak waist belt. The reservoir sits in the small of your back and you can tighten it down as you drink so it doesn't slosh around as much. I can't run and carry a water bottle. It is just too awkward for me.
I'm struggling with a lot of doubts right now. I am scared that I won't be ready and I will fail again. I really hope this all gets easier when the temps drop again. The temps should be much more pleasant at the 10K and hopefully that will give me a better idea of where I am. I know that I still have 5 months before the first Disney Half but I am still feeling unsure. It's just a lot of old insecurities creeping in.
Ugh, I would LOVE to run in the rain. We need rain so, so badly. Not just a day but a whole week of it. It would feel heavenly.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
WW Thursday
YAY!! I finally had a GOOD weigh-in. I lost 3 lbs this week. There is no period in front of that number; I lost 3 whole pounds. I think I am finally over that plateau. Thanks goodness. I actually haven't done as well as I wanted with my running but I was very, very diligent with my points tracking. I had a bad run last night. It just wasn't a good day and I just didn't feel like doing it. I tried but I just didn't have it in me to finish.
I'm going to be trying a few new things in the next few weeks and hopefully that will help my weight loss as well. Right now I just need Priceline to accept my bid so I can book my tickets home for the Labor Day 10K. I am no longer expecting a qualifying time but I still want to do it so that I know where I am at as I move forward. I may be back on with the Shadow 10 miler in October but that whole weekend is still up in the air.
I was glad to have a good weigh-in at the meeting today but we received some sad news. Our leader is leaving. She got a new job that starts immediately so this was her last week. They have not decided who her replacement will be yet. I really like her and I think she is one of the reasons the meetings were working for me. Hopefully her replacement will be as good as she is.
I'm going to be trying a few new things in the next few weeks and hopefully that will help my weight loss as well. Right now I just need Priceline to accept my bid so I can book my tickets home for the Labor Day 10K. I am no longer expecting a qualifying time but I still want to do it so that I know where I am at as I move forward. I may be back on with the Shadow 10 miler in October but that whole weekend is still up in the air.
I was glad to have a good weigh-in at the meeting today but we received some sad news. Our leader is leaving. She got a new job that starts immediately so this was her last week. They have not decided who her replacement will be yet. I really like her and I think she is one of the reasons the meetings were working for me. Hopefully her replacement will be as good as she is.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Where's the beef?
Not at my house, not anymore.
I have discovered that I can no longer eat beef. at least not ground beef. My stomach just can't handle it. We've been eating a lot of chicken and ground turkey lately mostly because it is lower in points. We decided to have hamburger helper on Sunday night and the commissary was out of ground turkey so we just grabbed some lean ground beef. First of all, i noticed i preferred the taste of it with turkey. Later I just didn't feel well and the beef was the only thing I had done differently. Tonight we decided to grill hamburgers because I found some lean fresh hamburger patties at the commissary that were only 3 pts per patty. After dinner tonight, I went out for my run. I made it through the first interval but didn't feel great so i stopped for a minute before trying the second. About 6 minutes into the second interval, I had to come home. I felt so bad. The common thread has been the beef so I think I am swearing it off mostly. I will still try a filet sometime to see if steak is the same but I will definitely not be bringing home ground beef again any time soon.
Oh well, no big loss.
I have discovered that I can no longer eat beef. at least not ground beef. My stomach just can't handle it. We've been eating a lot of chicken and ground turkey lately mostly because it is lower in points. We decided to have hamburger helper on Sunday night and the commissary was out of ground turkey so we just grabbed some lean ground beef. First of all, i noticed i preferred the taste of it with turkey. Later I just didn't feel well and the beef was the only thing I had done differently. Tonight we decided to grill hamburgers because I found some lean fresh hamburger patties at the commissary that were only 3 pts per patty. After dinner tonight, I went out for my run. I made it through the first interval but didn't feel great so i stopped for a minute before trying the second. About 6 minutes into the second interval, I had to come home. I felt so bad. The common thread has been the beef so I think I am swearing it off mostly. I will still try a filet sometime to see if steak is the same but I will definitely not be bringing home ground beef again any time soon.
Oh well, no big loss.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Hotter than Hades 5K
Well I ran my 5K yesterday. I shouldn't have but I did it anyway. The reason I say I shouldn't have is because I am fighting some sinus crap and I had a touch of food poisoning yesterday. I didn't realize it was food poisoning until later in the day and it was too late by then.
I did better on the run than I thought I was going to do during it. I felt bad, really bad, and almost quit a few times. My stomach didn't bother me too much during the race but the increasing pressure in my head coupled with the intense humidity has brutal. The temperature wasn't that bad since it was very overcast and the sun was hidden but we had about 95% humidity to go along with our 89 degree weather so it didn't take long for you to feel like you were on fire. The race definitely lived up to its name. I got a little too hot on the course but I still managed to come in 7 minutes faster than my last time. I was really surprised by that since I ended up walking a lot more than I planned. I was going to do the suggested 4 minute run, 1 minute walk but it ended up being more like 4/4 because I was getting so hot during the run portions. Like I said, I probably should have stayed home in bed but oh well.
It gave me a little confidence though. for a moment I was defeated and decided to skip the Labor Day race back home but once I really started paying attention to my run times and factoring in the crap that made yesterday's race so much harder, I realized a qualifying time at the 10K is still possible. I just have to make sure I keep training and I'm not sick for that race too.
I did better on the run than I thought I was going to do during it. I felt bad, really bad, and almost quit a few times. My stomach didn't bother me too much during the race but the increasing pressure in my head coupled with the intense humidity has brutal. The temperature wasn't that bad since it was very overcast and the sun was hidden but we had about 95% humidity to go along with our 89 degree weather so it didn't take long for you to feel like you were on fire. The race definitely lived up to its name. I got a little too hot on the course but I still managed to come in 7 minutes faster than my last time. I was really surprised by that since I ended up walking a lot more than I planned. I was going to do the suggested 4 minute run, 1 minute walk but it ended up being more like 4/4 because I was getting so hot during the run portions. Like I said, I probably should have stayed home in bed but oh well.
It gave me a little confidence though. for a moment I was defeated and decided to skip the Labor Day race back home but once I really started paying attention to my run times and factoring in the crap that made yesterday's race so much harder, I realized a qualifying time at the 10K is still possible. I just have to make sure I keep training and I'm not sick for that race too.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Learning
I'm skipping my run today. Part of me is screaming in protest because it is saying I need to stick to the plan exactly and I should have been out running this morning. But the reality is that I am planning on running a 5K in the morning and I am hoping to have a new PR after it. I know that for me to do my best in the morning, I will benefit from rest today. I'm also learning what works best for me with running. I may be making a few changes soon. I'm afraid I may be pushing myself too hard some nights. I think I know what I need to change and if it works, I will let you know.
I've been feeling like I am way behind when it comes to training. Hopefully tomorrow's race will help me feel better about it all. I'm hoping that I do better than I am expecting but we'll see. (maybe my stupid allergies won't screw everything up. I currently can't breathe through both sides of my nose but I am planning to use some nose spray to open things up in the morning.)
I've been feeling like I am way behind when it comes to training. Hopefully tomorrow's race will help me feel better about it all. I'm hoping that I do better than I am expecting but we'll see. (maybe my stupid allergies won't screw everything up. I currently can't breathe through both sides of my nose but I am planning to use some nose spray to open things up in the morning.)
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