What a Difference a Week Makes

Why the hell didn't someone do this earlier?


There has been a lot and nothing going on since I last posted last summer. I did PT and it helped some but the inflammation was still out of control so my physical therapist decided to put in a referral for rheumatology. That was a cluster f**k of a new kind because there are no rheumatologists within the military healthcare system here so I had to be seen on the economy. It took way longer than it should have to set that up but once I met my doctor, I really liked her and she wanted to help. We had to start with lots of blood work to try to find a cause for the inflammation. She also wanted to do a direct test on the fluid from my knee but their lab could not preform that test so she referred me to an Ortho clinic. Unfortunately, thanks to communication issues and the joys of Tricare, I waited months to get this test done.(and in the meantime the blood work came back normal) It took so long that my original rheumatology referral expired. In trying to get a new referral, I was told I had to be seen by my PCM again before they would renew anything. Mac is working with a different unit now and when he changed over, they screwed up my enrollment in the system even though nothing for me should have changed. Finally, a few weeks ago, he got that corrected and I was able to make an appointment with my PCM about a week and a half ago.

When I saw her, I let her know that nothing had changed. I still hurt all the time. My knee was constantly swollen and I just wanted to figure out what was going on and fix it. She decided to refer me to Ortho in the hospital for the test that the rheumatologist wanted to have done. She also put in a new referral for PT. I do not have a new rheumatology referral because we decided to see what Ortho had to say.(this is the first time in the 3 years since my scope surgery that anyone has sent me to Ortho.) I expected there to be a wait before I got an appointment but they called me the next day and I had an appointment set for Friday morning, Valentine's Day.

After talking with the doctor a little, he told me his plan was to draw fluid off of my knee and if the fluid was clear, he wanted to do a steroid injection. After a little effort since he was working with a shorter needle than he wanted, he started to draw the fluid. I was able to remove 30ccs of fluid but could not get it all. He sent it off to the lab.  After that, he injected the steroid. He also had an x-ray done on my ankle  and did a small injection into it. The main verdict was that I have arthritis. My reaction was "DUH!!" This is something I have know for a while. He told me the injection may not do much for my ankle because I have arthritis in a few different joints in my ankle and foot, but he said I should get some relief in my knee. We agreed on a follow up in a few weeks and I was on my way.

Holy Shit!

Why the hell has NO ONE in any medical care capacity that I have seen in the last 3 YEARS suggested this treatment to me. Yes, I have had friends say, "Hey, you should do this" but  NONE of the healthcare providers have suggested it.

I was sore that afternoon which is to be expected but I was almost instantly able to walk more normally. Most of that was due to the removal of the fluid but I didn't care what the reason was, I was just happy to be in a little less pain. By the next day, I was walking around and doing things pain free that I have not done in years. Saturday Mac and I went downtown to the farmers market and even though I felt a little sore when I got home, I still felt good. Sunday, I walked a mile and a half and completed it at my fastest pace in years. (It is still "turtle stampeding through peanut butter" slow but anything is better than what I have been able to do.) Tuesday, I walked another mile and a half. Wednesday morning, I went on a informative tour that had me on my feet for four hours straight and that night I went to the gym and did some weight lifting for the first time in I don't know how long. Thursday, I walked two miles with a couple ladies from the neighborhood and felt like I could have kept going at the end.

I finally feel human again.

Yes, my ankle still hurts, but it is not as bad as it was(unless I am on it for 4 hours). My knee is smaller than it has been since the scope surgery.  I'm trying to be better with food and I'm slowly losing weight. I know being lighter will help my joints. I know getting stronger will help my joints. I know moving more will help my joints. I am taking it slow. I am listening to my body. For the first time in a very long time, I'm not in constant pain.  

I can finally see a small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel and I am doing everything I can to move towards it.

(Hopefully) On the road to recovery

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I'm a little frustrated and it has been a long time since I have posted.  In a lot of ways, nothing has changed, but I am hoping that will not be the case much longer.

A while back, I had a really bad day. I could barely put any weight at all on my left ankle and even while sitting with it propped up I was in enough pain to randomly start crying over it. It was a REALLY bad day. After that, I finally decided to make a new appointment to see if there was anything we could do to help. They decided to send me for an MRI just to be sure there wasn't some damage that had been missed before.

Finally having the MRI was a good and bad thing. I was very torn. Of course you don't want them to find damage because that most likely means surgery, but I also didn't want them to say there was nothing because I have definitely been hurting and want answers. Two days after the MRI, I received a call that there was some inflammation but no damage. They referred me to Physical Therapy and to the Brace Shop for a brace and possibly orthotics. While I was happy to be referred to PT, I was still apprehensive about what might happen next.

Last week I went in for my initial consult with PT. It was nice having someone that seemed to actually listen but I was still nervous. He addressed the fact that a lot of what is going on probably goes back to my right knee and hip still being so weak, which I understand. His prescribed treatment focuses mostly on my right leg so I was still worried that my left ankle would either get worse or just not get any better.

Yesterday, I had my first session in the gym. It was tough and there were a few things I was worried my ankle couldn't handle but it did. Of course there was pain and some swelling but it also seemed a little better. Tonight, I decided to try to restart the Galloway Garmin training. Again, it was tough and not really running, but I did it. It was just the super short "benchmark run" but I have to start somewhere. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about things but it is hard.

I am fighting with how I feel right now. Part of me is happy because it feels like things might actually get better, but I am also very mad at myself because if it is getting better now, it could have been better already. I feel like I have wasted so much time hurting and missing out on things. But so much has lead to this point and much of that revolves around medical care professionals just not listening to me.

When we were in SC, I had a horrible time with my PCM and clinic. When I went in with horrible knee pain, my PCM told me I was fat and had arthritis and just needed to get over it.(Of course it was not said that way but that was the message I received.) Then I was basically accused of just trying to get them to give me pain meds. I wanted to walk out with just pain pills, I wanted the problem fixed. Once I did get someone to listen and had the surgery on my knee, I still had to fight to try to get sent to PT, which they never did. Not long after that is when I found out we were moving to Germany so I gave up on getting anything done there. I was tired of feeling like I was beating my head against a wall. Even though I have had some better experiences with the clinics and people I have seen here, I am still a little gun shy. That is why it took so long for me to go back about my ankle. I kept hoping it would get better but it only got worse.

But I also feel like having the MRI on my ankle was a big part of me being able to move forward now. There have been so many questions about it since I sprained it in the first place that I have been scared to push it too far. When I dealt with so much pain when we would travel, I was terrified that there was something bigger going on and I was making it all worse. Now that I know there are no tears or major damage, I know I can push it a little farther. I will still deal with pain for a while because it is going to take a bit for it to get used to being used more, but knowing that I am not making it worse in some way now gives me permission to push through. I'm really hoping that by pairing in house PT twice a week for the next few weeks and slowly getting back into run/walking that I will find myself in a much better place in a few months.

I still have a LONG way to go. There is some atrophy in the quad on my right leg and it is going to take a while to strengthen it and everything else around my knee. There is still no explanation about why I have so much swelling in my knee so I will be having an MRI on it just to check things out next week. I'm also trying to start making better decisions with eating. It has been hard the last six months with Mac's schedule. When he has been home, he has been working so late that I rarely knew when to expect him. Then when he gets home there isn't a ton of time to cook before he needs to go to bed so we have been getting food where ever we can and not eating the best. Then there are the times when he is gone TDY and I have a hard time figuring out food for just me.  I'm trying to figure out things to do and eat to make things better because I know losing weight will help my joints too.

On top of all of that, I am trying to find my way out of the funk I have been in for too long. I have not created or built anything in way too long. I'm finally working on a few projects and it is making me feel more like myself again.  I have a few more things already lined up and I am excited about how things are turning out so far.

There's still a goo bit of work to do on myself and everything else, but for the first time in a long time, I am optimistic about where I am headed.

Let's try that again

So things have not gone as planned since my last post. I was going to start Transform 20 on January 14 with the launch of the program. I was also planning on doing the Garmin coaching with Jeff Galloway for the Beginner 5K training. Unfortunately,  my head got the better of me and I have not been doing my workouts like I should.

I did the benchmark run on Jan. 7 so that Garmin could set up my workout schedule based on my abilities at the start. It was just 5 minutes. It was tough and very humbling. I realized very quickly how far I have fallen from where I was. A week later I did the first workout for Transform 20. At the end, I broke down in tears. I honestly was not sure why I was crying. It was hard, but I mostly made it through. There were several things that I could not do but by the end, I figured out how to modify things the best I could. I can't do anything on the floor because I can't get off the floor fast enough to move into the next exercise. Part of the tears where because I was ashamed and part were because I was glad I completed the first workout.

The next day, however, shame and embarrassment were the dominant feelings. I was also in a good deal of pain because my body was so unfamiliar with working out again. I let the self doubt take over and I barely did anything that day. The rest of the week wasn't much different. I stopped paying attention to my scheduled run training and quickly slipped back into that dark place that keeps me from moving forward.

After a little over a week, I realized I was cheating myself. I started to shift my thinking but I was not quite ready to try again. What did happen though was that I started playing Pokemon Go more seriously again. I know that might not seem like a big deal but it was for me. I live very close to a PoGo gym and I started walking down to it several times a day to grab rewards and catch a few pokemon that pop up along the fence.(Pokemon are not allowed to spawn on military installations) Even though the walk is very short, the fact that I was leaving the house a few times a day and walking some helped me to start moving a little more each day. I have my daily steps goal set very low because I just wasn't moving much so 10,000 steps is just not practical yet. Even though my goal is lower than most, I was not reaching it very often until I started playing Pokemon Go again.  Then one night I happened to walk over while a legendary raid was starting and I met several people that play on base. I joined their group chat to find out when players were meeting up for raids and started going out to meet up with them a few times a day. I started breaking through the fog more and more and realized I was able to walk and do  a little more without hurting as much so I decided maybe it was time to try again. 

Yesterday, I restarted the Garmin 5K coaching and today I did a new benchmark run. It went way better than I expected and better than when I did it a few weeks ago. I still have a long way to go but this time I was able to run a lot more of the 5 minutes. When I tried the first time, I was only able to run one of the five minutes. This time, I ran the first minute, took a little break and then was able to run a few 30 second stretches through the rest of the five minutes. It wasn't all that comfortable on my joints but it wasn't horrible either. It actually felt better than I had feared since everything has been rebelling since I cleaned the garage the other night. I was wearing my braces and focused on my form so that I wasn't do more harm than good. After tonight, I actually feel like running again is a possibility. After my first run a month ago, I wasn't so sure about that.

For now, the plan is to continue the Garmin training. I like the way the coaches training works because they analyze each weeks workouts and tailor the next week to fit where you are physically while slowly building on what you have been doing. I'm also planning to start Transform 20 again tomorrow(Monday). This time I will have a better idea of how I need to set things up to allow myself to be able to modify and do more this time around.

Right now, I am in a much better head space than I was last month. Hopefully I can keep my mind right this time and push forward. Once I start seeing some progress, it is much easier to stay focused and committed. Right now, I have 32 weeks until Disneyland Paris Half Marathon. I'm hoping I can do the half, but will at least do the 10K. If I can refocus and be smart, I think the half is very possible.

Let's see how take two goes...

Let's Go!!!!!!

(If any of you have done Insanity, you should read the title with Shaun T's voice in your head, haha.)

I'm tired.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of not being able to run. I'm tired of not doing anything about it.

I'm ready to change all of that.

My first step was to set a goal to work towards. I am planning to run at Disneyland Paris next September. I don't know if it will be the 10K or the Half but I will decide that once I see how my training is working.

I need to do a lot of things to get there. I need to start eating better. I need to start walking and working out so I can eventually start running again. I need to strengthen my knee and ankle as well as everything around it so running will be possible.

I have the knowledge I need to eat better, I just have to do it. Part of that will be drinking Shakeology again but this time I will be adding collagen to it to try to help my joints.

Any of you that have been reading for a few years will know I did Insanity a few years ago and loved it. That is way too much for me right now but I am planning on getting Shaun T to help me again. His new program just went on sale and early access to it on Beachbody on Demand starts on January 14. I am planning on giving it a shot since there is a modifier for lower impact and each workout is only 20 minutes.

I also got the Believe run training journal to help me track my walks and runs as I try to become a runner again. Mac got me a Garmin 645 Music for Christmas.  I'm looking forward to using it because sometimes I hate using my phone for music since it is a pain to pull it out if I need to change anything and it drains the battery. I have always used Pandora but it doesn't work here so it is a good time to swap to something new. By using the built in storage on the watch, I can easily skip songs or change the music from the watch as well as see and use quick responses for texts without pulling out my phone. I also like that it has several smart watch features so I can wear it day to day.

I ordered a new weight  bench  to replace the one I sold before we moved. I am hoping to get an area set up so that I can start lifting again.

I've tried to use the things I have learned from my first journey to being a runner to help me hopefully do it again. I'm so tired of being in pain, but I know the reason I am hurting most times is because I have not being moving enough. I have known that for a while but changing it is hard when you are fighting depression and have no motivation to do ANYTHING, much less work out. I know working out will help with that too.

I have a long way to go but I am hopeful that I am on the right path to get there.

Checking In

Well it is starting to get cold here. Soon it will be time to start exploring the Christmas markets. I haven't been as active as I had hoped but I have been working on myself in other ways. Due to fear and anxiety, I have not been to the dentist in quite some time. However, during the month of  October, that changed. I have been several times to try to take care of things that have developed. I had to have a root canal because an old filling failed and that has taken lots of time. I also just had my wisdom teeth removed. I'm slowly healing and things have gone pretty well but I am glad it is something that will not ever happen again. Once I finish healing, I will do the last step of the root canal(permanent crown placement) and have a few cavities taken care of to finish up.

A happy side effect of all of the dental work has been the fact that I have been more aware of what I am eating and as a result, I have lost some weight. I started losing a little when first moved here but it has become more consistent since September. Hopefully I can keep it up because I know losing weight will help with the joint issues I have been dealing with since I hurt my ankle.

I need to start getting more active again but slowly. We took a trip to Italy and while it was amazing, I was in a lot of pain once we got home. I completely over did it. I need to start easing back into things. We have another trip coming up but it won't be quite as physically demanding as the Italy trip.

It's hard to believe we have been here for 8 months. We still aren't completely settled but I am hoping to get the downstairs complete or at least closer to it in the next month. I want to be able to decorate for Christmas and possibly have a holiday get together with people in the neighborhood.

I guess that is all for now. Sorry I haven't been checking in as much as I had hoped. Maybe once I start working out more regularly and have a better plan I will get back into the habit of blogging.

Finding myself again

I feel like I haven't been wholly me in a very long time. I have lost touch with one of the things I love the most. I have not been creating and building in the way I used to and I really miss that artistic part of me. Though I have dabbled with things that tapped into that part of me a little, I have not created art just for the sake of being art in a very long time. Most pictures I have taken have been for others, and while that is something I enjoy, it is not the same as taking them for myself.

Beyond photography, it has been many years since I have painted or sketched anything. I was able to buy a nice, large easel from a yard sale group here not long after we moved in. I also picked up a bunch of paints from someone that was moving back to the states. I haven't done anything with any of it yet but I am hoping once I get the house set up and organized, I can start creating again.

The first weekend in August, Mac and I did a quick day trip up the Amsterdam. I really wanted to go to the Van Gogh museum. He is one of several artists that helped me find my love of art and I want to see as many of their creations in person as I can while we are in Europe. Being there and seeing the things he created and even an artists pallet that he used brought tears to my eyes. It made me want to start finding my artistic voice. I want to start painting and finding what is "me." I want to start sketching again to help rebuild those skills.

I'm still not having the best success with my knee and ankle. I never started water aerobics and I really need to do that soon. I still have a long way to go before I can get back to the active part of me so I am trying to work on some of the other parts for now. Hopefully I can find that little piece of an artist that I think is still hiding in there somewhere.

Guten Tag

We have been in Germany for just over three months. It doesn't feel like it has been that long and also feels like longer. Unfortunately, Mac has been gone a lot for work so we haven't been able to travel much together(he has seen several new places on his own). It's been hard to get completely settled because dealing with a painful knee and aggravated ankle means that I can't stand very long so unpacking and cleaning has been hard to do. And since Mac has been working so much, he has not been able to help out with it either. Soon, he will be taking some leave and while our main goal is to finally get the house set up, we are also going to try to do a few day trips to see a few places and start exploring.

I finally started physical therapy a couple weeks ago. I have several exercises to help strengthen my leg. It is just going to be a long process to get back to where I was. I am also going to be trying to get back to eating better. Hopefully once the house is finally set up correctly, I will be able to get into a better routine and start moving forward.

I'm going to try to check in here more often.

Until next time...

Big changes

Sorry I have not posted in a long time. The last time I did post, I talked a little about upcoming moves. Well, things changed and though Mac did head to Virginia after his deployment, I did not get to go with him. There were lots of complicating factors so I stayed in SC and visited him as often as I could. He finished up there just before Christmas and we started packing up for our over seas move. Of course, that also did not go as planned. Mac received a slot in a month long training right before we were supposed to move. We went ahead and packed up and shipped our things in Dec so that it was done and on the way and I could join him in New Mexico. When the training wrapped up we would go see family and then get on a plane headed for a new adventure. Unfortunately, the training course was set to start the Monday after the government shutdown and the training was cancelled at the last minute. So in the middle of January, we found ourselves with no where to live(we ended the lease on our house), no stuff(it was on a boat), not enough leave to last until our flights(Mac was supposed to be in training for a month, not on leave) and no idea what to do. We ended up heading back to SC and living in the base hotel while Mac went back to work for a little over a month. Finally, in March, the time came for us to head out on our new adventure in Germany.

There will be lots to see and do during the time we live here. I want to take in as much as I can but that means I definitely have to start working on getting back into shape. To see and do the things we want to do, it will require lots of walking.  I want to be able to run again and feel good about myself again. It's been a hard road since my injuries and I am ready to feel like myself again. I'm hoping to start going to water aerobics twice a week and start a strength and running program to slowly rebuild my fitness.

I really hope to start posting here again. I will probably be posting about fitness and life over here. We have been here for 3 weeks and in our new home here for one week. It's still going to take some time for us to settle in and get unpacked but once that happens, I want to start focusing on getting healthy again.

One year

It's crazy how much the past year has had an effect on everything. A year ago, I fell and twisted my left ankle. I didn't realize it at the time, but I also hurt my right knee. I dealt with the ankle injury for a few months since it was a severe sprain, all while dealing with moving. After getting settled in as much as I could with a bum ankle, I started realizing I was having a ton of pain in my right knee. I went to the clinic but they weren't much help for a while. It took me a few months to get them to send me for an MRI which showed I had some damage in there. After finally getting a referral to an orthopedic doctor, I had my right knee scoped. They fixed what they could but I had been dealing with injuries for so long that I lost a lot of muscle. They did not refer me to physical therapy so I'm still not completely healed.

I've been out of the running game for a year. I've been able to do some walking in the past couple of months since the surgery but I've had a hard time staying consistent because I've been struggling with so many things.

In the past year, I've learned how much running was really helping my depression. Unfortunately, I learned this because I have not been able to run and I've found myself struggling with depression a lot during this past year. When I was running regularly, I would still have some hard times where I would slip into a depressive cycle but I found myself coming out of them pretty quickly.

One of the hardest things about depression is that it sucks all of the energy and motivation out of you. When I find myself bearing the full weight of my depression, it's hard to find the motivation to simply get out of bed, much less work out. On those bad days during this deployment, the only reason I got up was because the dogs needed to go outside. After letting them out, I would sit on the couch watching tv and playing on my phone or laptop. I'd get up because they needed to come in or go out again and to feed them. Then, sometime in the early morning hours, I would go back to bed.

I made plans with people and traveled to force myself out of the house because I knew if I didn't, there would be long stretches of days where I'd never leave the house unless I was going to a drive thru for food.  I forced myself out but that did not make the depression go away, it just provided a temporary distraction. Once I was home, I would look around at the mess in my house, at the crap I was eating, or the fact that I hadn't had face to face human contact in days and I would want to change it, but I just didn't have it in me.

I've gone backwards on so many levels during this past year. I was already struggling with regaining weight during the last few years since we have been moving pretty frequently and I was having trouble finding a new routine. When I got hurt, that problem got much bigger. I had already regained a decent amount of weight but in the past year, I've gained 30 pounds which means I've regained everything I had lost by the fall of 2013. I am back to my heaviest weight.

Gaining the weight made me hate myself which in turn makes the depression a little worse. Not being able to run, gaining weight and dealing with my husband being on the other side of the world has really taken a very big toll on me emotionally, physically and mentally. I've been in a bad head space for a while now because my depression flames the fires of my anxiety.

My anxiety and depression tell me I'm worthless. My anxiety makes me think no one wants me around. I know I'm a lot to deal with at times so I start to feel like a burden to the people around me. My anxiety tells me that no one really likes me, they only deal with me because they like my husband. It tells me I'm easily replaceable. My anxiety is this little voice in my head that makes me question everything around me and tells me I'll never get any better.

This week has been really tough for me. My Facebook memories keep reminding me of that stupid awkward step that I took last Memorial Day that led to the injuries I've been fighting for a year.  Seeing those memories and realizing how far I've gone in the wrong direction have set me on edge emotionally. That's why I had a mini melt down Friday night.

I went to hang out with the group for Friday night dinner as usual. We were standing and sitting around waiting for our tables​ to be ready when suddenly I felt very overwhelmed. I was suddenly really missing my husband and the little voice in my head was telling me no one wanted me there. When a couple people asked me how I was doing or if something was wrong, I couldn't lie and felt the tears starting to try to break free. I ran outside and started crying in the parking lot. I was embarrassed and just overwhelmed. I didn't know what to say when a couple of them came to check on me. There was no concrete reason for it happening. The truth is I just needed to cry. I've been bottling up a lot of emotions and frustrations this week and suddenly they all surfaced. After talking for a few minutes, we headed back inside and dinner was fine. I laughed, I talked, and I felt a little better.

Another complicating factor for everything right now is the fact that my husband will be home next month. I know that sounds like it should be a happy thing, and it is, but the end of a deployment sucks. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's still a ways away. Time starts slowing down and the emotions of the deployment start catching up to me. I travel a lot during a deployment to keep me occupied and help the time to pass. After a while, traveling gets to be very tiring and I always slow down or stop going places as the end draws nearer. When I stop moving so much, everything I've been running from catches me.  I also start realizing all the things I planned to accomplish while he was gone and that most of those things aren't done. I feel pressure to make the most of the time left during the deployment to try to check off as much of the list as I can plus the normal parts of getting ready to have him home. It becomes very overwhelming. During the end of the deployment, I'm excited that he will be home soon but also feel like a failure because I did not do enough while he was gone.

On top of the usual end of deployment crap, we are also moving again about a month after he gets home. We are heading to a 3 1/2 month school in Virginia and then moving overseas at the beginning of 2018 most likely. We still don't know where for sure but it's supposedly happening and all of our stuff will need to be backed up before we head to Virgina.

After getting home from dinner and chatting with Mac for a few minutes, I decided I was finally going to start running again. I'm still no where near 100% but I can run(very slowly) short distances as long as I'm wearing a brace. I'm doing a 12 week 5k training plan so I can try to ease back into running. I ran for 1 minute and walked for 4. It wasn't fast, but my average pace was better than I expected since I only ran 6 of the 30 minutes of the workout. My knee was sore and tired when I finished but I was pleasantly surprised at how it went.

I'm trying to start to claw my way out of the pit that I've been in this part year. I worked up a training schedule after my run that will last until we move. I'm going to also try to go to the pool more and use my Orange Theory membership more regularly. I'm trying to start cooking again instead of just grabbing fast food or take out.

I know that losing weight will help my able and knee as well as my mental state. I know that moving more will help alleviate some of my anxiety and help me feel more like myself. I know all of these things, but it is still going to take a lot of effort for me to put them into practice. I have to find a way to overcome the hopeless​ feeling that hits me when I look at all that is ahead of us. I have to focus on one task at a time as I move forward or it becomes too overwhelming.

The rest of this year holds a lot of changes for us and I sincerely hope an upswing is part of those changes for me.

But it was just one block...

Six years ago today I attempted my first half marathon and was swept at the 8 mile mark. Five years ago yesterday, I finished my second half marathon at the Princess Half. I cried as I crossed the finish line. It had been a long year of training and trying to become a runner. I was excited I had accomplished my goal and a little said because Mac was on the other side of the world while I did it. The achievements I made in 2012 at Tink and Princess set me up to go on and complete 16 half marathons between January 2012 and May of 2016.

Unfortunately, three weeks after completing that 16th half marathon, I fell and severely sprained my ankle. I spent two months letting my ankle recover, but as my ankle healed, my knee hurt more and more. I could barely walk five minutes before it would lock up and hurt so badly I wanted to cry.  In September, I began a battle to figure out what was wrong with my knee and try to solve the problem. It took four months to finally get someone to send me for an mri and then refer me to an orthopedic doctor so that something could be done about it. On February 16th, I had a knee scope surgery to try to correct some of the damage caused by the fall and subsequent months of walking on a injury knee.

Recovering from surgery has been complicated because Mac is once again deployed and I am on my own. A friend took me to surgery and stayed with me the night after but she had her own husband and pup to get back to so I was quickly on my own after the surgery. Fortunately, the surgery isn't too invasive and weight bearing soon after is encouraged. However, I am sure I have been getting around and doing more than most so soon after. The dogs still wanted to be fed and to go outside every 5 minutes it seemed. I still needed groceries and to just get out of the house every now and then. My knee has been sore and hurting some and I wasn't sure what was normal and what was because I was moving around maybe more than I should. I've been hoping that this will lead to me being able to start working out again and to hopefully soon be able to run again. Everything seemed to be going pretty well until Saturday. In a lot of ways, I felt like I was back to where I was before surgery. I think that it was mostly the cold front coming through but it made me worry if I was really getting better.

Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting at home and opened Pokemon Go just to see if there was anything interesting in the neighborhood. Since the game came out, if there was something close by that I really wanted, I would get in the car and drive around to find it because walking around the neighborhood to find it just hurt too much. This time however, I decided to see if I could just walk around the block to find what I was looking for. I put on my sneakers and headed outside, unsure how far I would be able to walk comfortably. As I finished my single lap around the block and headed back inside, I started to cry. My knee was sore but it was nothing compared to the pain I experienced before the surgery.  I even jogged a few steps just to see how it felt and it gave me hope. I know I am not 100% yet but the fact that I could tell it is actually healing I was a little overwhelmed.

The last nine months have been pretty dark. The longer I was injured, the more depressed I became. I am back to where I started with everything. My weight is higher again and I haven't ran since Tinker Bell half last May. When I am cleared to start working out, I will be starting over nearly completely. I have way too much weight to lose again and I can't even think about running a 5K right now, much less a half marathon but I know, with time, I will be able to do it again.

I have a long way to go, but I am determined to do it.

One step at a time...

I have an anxiety disorder

Social anxiety disorder. Also called social phobia, this involves overwhelming worry and self-consciousness about everyday social situations. The worry often centers on a fear of being judged by others, or behaving in a way that might cause embarrassment or lead to ridicule.




I suffer from anxiety and depression. It's something I have lived with for a long time. I am pretty good at covering it up, but it is there and those closest to me know. While I have general anxiety issues, I suffer from social anxiety most often. I constantly worry about what others may think or say and any kind of confrontation or possibility of it makes me a nervous wreck.

This anxiety has been an issue with my running since the beginning. Being in large crowds makes me nervous and zaps some of my energy so the corrals before races aren't fun for me. Most of the time it manifests itself in either me becoming very quiet and a little withdrawn or I become agitated and my temper gets short. Typically after a race, I have a very short fuse and get mad very easily because I have been around so many people for so long and the exhaustion from the race doesn't help either. It can also pop up while we are hanging out in the parks at Disney.

Due to the injuries I have dealt with, I haven't ran or done any races since May but I have definitely continued to fight with my anxiety and depression. In some ways, it is actually worse now. Running helped keep the depression a little more under control and being forced to do nothing for so long has had the opposite affect. Add in the fact that my husband just deployed and it all gets even more complicated.

I've been to both Disneyland and Walt Disney World this month and it was interesting both times. Disneyland was the weekend before Mac left the country so I had a lot on my mind. Plus we had to transfer my bib for the half to him since I can barely walk, let alone run. Because of my knee, I had to rent a scooter since I can't walk long enough to last in the parks. Renting the scooter was necessary but it is hard for anyone else to see why I needed it. This was a big trigger for my social anxiety. All I could think about was being judged for using the scooter. I was afraid that people would just see me as a lazy fat person and not realize I was injured since I wasn't wearing a brace or anything. This all got much worse when I went to Walt Disney World. At DL, we just went straight from our hotel to the parks. I used they scooter and they walked. But while at WDW, I had to use the bus system. This means that every time I got on a bus, I had to get on first since I was in the scooter. They had to drop a ramp and let me on first to tie down the scooter. It wasn't a huge deal with the buses between the parks but it was a little more complicated with the bus to the hotel. I stayed at a hotel in the Disney Springs area and even though they did have accessible buses, the process was a little different. They are higher so instead of a ramp, there was a lift. It was a longer process and I felt like all eyes were on me as this was going on. I hated it.

While at DL, I was traveling with Mac and Heather. We have traveled together a lot over the past few years and I know they always have my back and understand the issues I deal with. While at WDW, I was traveling with someone new. She is someone I have known online for 5+ years and I decided to go down so that I would get out of the house after Mac left. Most of the trip was fine but her last morning there, I was put in a situation that set off my anxiety in a big way. She got into an argument with someone that was getting on our bus because people were being rude and getting on even though the driver was asking them to wait so he could let down the lift for me.  While her heart was in the right place, it ended up putting me in a bad situation. All of the crap was because I was there and on a scooter so all attention and eyes were on me, so I started having a panic attack. It was a really sucky situation. I was able to get my breathing back under control but once I was finally on the bus, I was still shaking from head to toe and I wanted to crawl into a hole.

This was the first time in a long time that it has gotten that bad. I'm really ready to get me knee fixed so I can feel more like myself again. Being dependent on other people or needing a scooter to get around is not normal for me. I want to start getting healthy again and I want to start moving. I have an appointment for my knee this week and hopefully I will have more answers soon.

For now, I just ask everyone to realize that some people are suffering from things that are unseen. Whether it is an injury or something deeper like anxiety or depression, even though you can't see it , it is still real. When they find themselves in a tough situation and it triggers something inside, they are not just being dramatic, they are suffering from something very real and very personal. Be mindful of what you say and do in those situations because you can unknowingly make a bad situation worse.

Maybe it's a train...

So it's been a little while and nothing has really changed. I am still having issues with my knee all the time. I know that part of it stems from an issue with my back so I am FINALLY getting to the chiropractor to try to get it fixed. I went in for the x-rays and consultation near the end of last month. I was supposed to go in again right after we returned from Barbados but thanks to damage from Hurricane Matthew, they had no power for a few days and it had to be rescheduled to this week. I saw him on Tuesday and had a "test adjustment" after seeing my x-rays. My back is f*ed up basically.

My lower back has too deep of a curve because my neck as zero curve(and it should). Also, my atlas(the very top vertebrae) is out of whack. That is affecting everything else and causing problems. He is optimistic that we can change things but it isn't just a small thing. Most of the issues probably occurred when I was in a pretty serious car accident when I was 16 but some of the stuff in my neck may also come from a fall from a horse I had when I was 11 or 12.

Today I go in to talk with him about the big picture and to find out what plan he has for me. I'm hopeful that this will slowly start to help me get back out there. I think I am going to start taking more advantage of my Y membership and focus on the pool since that will be low impact and can even help decompress the spine some. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't be able to do space coast(even though the time limit would allow me to walk it) and that Star Wars Light Side is also not really possible or smart. I hate that I will lose my legacy status at that race but I knew it would happen eventually. I'm still planning to head out to DL and hopefully Mac will be able to run it (I can transfer to him since I bought through my running club not direct from RunDisney) but it will be weird not running.

I want to do this right. I want to get better and heal and I also want to get healthier too. It's going to be a long road but I think I'm ready. I hope so anyway. (I know I'm ready to stop being in pain)

Light at the end of the tunnel?

This is going to be long but this is everything I have been dealing with this summer.


This summer has been a very dark time for me. Moving always intensifies my anxiety and depression and have really horrible packers made it that much worse. When you add in the injury I sustained on Memorial Day, I have had a very hard time.

The beginning of our move was horrible. Mac's orders for grad school ended in early May. This meant that we needed his new orders so we could schedule our move and get ready to leave Florida.  Our original plan was to have the packers come the last week in April to pack and load our things before we flew out to California for the Tinker Bell Half Marathon. That way we would have time to get the house clean and get the last of our stuff out before we left. Since our lease was ending on the 15th and we were returning on the 10th, it was going to allow us time to get things done without being rushed.

This Tink trip was supposed to be a kind of big deal for me since it was the 5th anniversary of the race that was my first half marathon that I completed. I was also really excited since Mac was going with me and this would be the first time he could be there for Tink. He was deployed when I completed it the first year and then when I ran in 2014 he was finishing up command and could not leave.

Unfortunately, we found ourselves at the end of April with no orders still. We finally got them 5 days before our flight to California. On top of that, our landlord decided to go ahead and list the house for sale before our lease was up. She had been trying to sell it for years but couldn't so that is why she rented it out. She was expecting it to take a little while to get a bit bu within a few days of listing it, she already had interest and the realtor wanted to start showing the house. We were trying to pack things up since we still had no idea when(or if) the movers were coming. We were still waiting on orders and trying to prepare for a trip. We finally told her we would be out of town and she could show it then but that our stuff would be in boxes as we were trying to prepare to leave. She was very pushy and trying to push us out the door. Our landlord was great and trying to work with us but the realtor was driving me insane. We took the dogs to my parents house so they wouldn't be in the way during the showings and left for our trip.  I had been looking forward to the trip but then the anxiety of the mood started to ruin everything. I seriously considered canceling the trip all together.

Mac submitted all we needed to get the movers scheduled as soon as he had the orders but we still had no idea when they would be coming when we got on the plane. I spent the first part of our trip worrying about the move and hoping we would have time to get things done. We were in California Adventure one day when Mac received a call from the packers. They wanted to come before we got back from California. He told them we wouldn't be back and needed to do it later and they hung up after saying they would see what they could work out. I immediately started searching for earlier flights to send Mac home immediately after the half marathon so he could be there for the packers. Fortunately they called back and said they would be there the Thursday after we flew in on Tuesday. I was finally able to breathe a little but I was still worried about the time. the realtor wanted us out immediately and though the owner was flexible with us, we wanted to get out so we didn't have to deal with the pushy realtor any more.(She called us NUMEROUS times while we were in DL) However, I managed to finish Tink once again as well as the 10K and finally earned my Pixie Dust Challenge medal(I ran the unofficial on the first year of the 10K)

Once we arrived home, it was a mad dash to get out of the house. The packers came and packed and loaded EVERYTHING in 12 hours. Two days after returning from California, all of our stuff drove off heading north. It was headed to storage since we had no where to live yet. Mac wasn't supposed to report to South Carolina until July. We planned to spend the time in between staying with family and visiting with friends before heading to SC in June to get on the housing list and find a temporary place to live until a house on base was available. We spent some time at my parents' house and then decided to head to Mac's parents' lake house right before Memorial day.  We met up with friends at the GA  Ren Fest on Memorial Day. It was a great day of seeing friends and hanging out. Then in a second, everything changed. I walked out to the parking lot with Ad to get something from her that she brought me and drop it and a few things we bought in the truck. On my way back in to go to the pub sing that ends the day, I stepped off a wooden bridge and twisted my ankle. I knew it was bad when it happened. I hit the ground hard on a gravel path and my right knee took the brunt of it. I stood up, bleeding, and knowing things were bad. I hobbled over to the gate where a worker helped me to a bench and called for first aid. My ankle was instantly 3 sizes larger than it should be and I had blood running down the other leg. I called Mac to come to the front. I was in a ton of pain but kept hoping that I was wrong. When the EMTs got there, they immediately told me to go to the ER and get it x-rayed. We called Patrick and Justin and told them we had to head to the ER and they came to the gate to say goodbye.

On the way to the ER

On the way home from the lake after getting the dogs

The ER didn't tell me much other than it was badly sprained. I left with a giant splint thing and no idea where or how I was going to have a follow up for it. We didn't have a place to live and since I am on Tricare Prime, everything I do has to be approved and only a few drs outside of military installations will see me. We drove back to the lake that night. I had to sleep in a recliner so I could keep my leg in a position that didn't hurt. The next morning Mac packed up our stuff and we headed back to my parents'  so we could figure out the Dr situation. After several phone calls, we got it worked out. After more x-rays, I was once again told it was a bad sprain and given a brace. I was on crutches because I could not put any weight on the ankle at all. Not long after dealing with the crutches, I noticed I was having a lot of pain in my right hip and knee from supporting all of my weight. As my left ankle slowly got better, my right leg got worse. I was scared I needed surgery on my ankle since it was taking so long to heal. Once I was finally told it was probably fine, I decided to try to run on it a little to see. Surprisingly, my ankle seemed fine, but my right knee hurt so bad I couldn't run. I was devastated. It had been two and a half months since I hurt my ankle and it was finally healing and then a new injury started plaguing me. I am registered for the Space Coast half again in November as well Star Wars DL in January. I need to be training but I was in so much pain I could barely stand, let alone run.

I have had an idea about the pain in my knee but wasn't sure what to do about it. I have had some issues with my back for a while due to a fall while wind surfing last year.  I think I knocked a few things out of line and that has been causing issues with my hip. Being on crutches and supporting most of my weight with just my right leg for so long aggravated my back and hip and it eventually moved down and put strain on my knee. This was made worse when I tried to ride my bike to keep from just sitting on my butt all the time. I over did it a little, mostly thanks to Pokemon Go and in just a few days, my right knee was so stiff, I could barely stand. The last couple weeks it has been so swollen that I can't bend it or straighten it all the way. It hurt so bad that I couldn't sleep. I decided to make an appointment with a chiropractor to see if they can help get things back where they should be but unfortunately the earliest they could get me in is the 22nd. I've also been trying to stretch the extremely tight muscles in my leg. I've taken aleve and ibuprofen and whatever I could think of to help. Things helped some but nothing made it any better. I finally got an appointment with the clinic on base this past Thursday and she gave me steroids to try to get the inflammation under control.  I can't take anything else for pain with it because of interactions so I went to Walmart with plans to grab another icy hot tens therapy system. I already have one but it is still in a box somewhere and I don't have the time or energy to deal with that cluster to find it. While looking at Walmart, I saw a small TENS device that had separate electrodes instead of the giant pad with the icy hot version(that isn't very comfortable) As I looked it over, I noticed you could use it pretty much anywhere and it even had placement suggestions for sciatic nerve issues. I have been thinking that this has a lot to do with my leg problems so I grabbed it. I came home, hooked it up and couldn't believe the difference it made after just 15 minutes. I moved it around to help a few different areas and by the time I was ready to go to bed, my knee and hip felt better than it has in months.

Because of all the crap that has happened in the last several months, I have gained more weight. I'm back at a number I hoped I would never see again. That has seriously hurt my self esteem and confidence. I am back to wanting to hide out at home. I finally decided to do something about by joining Weight Watchers again and getting a membership at the Y so I can start swimming more. Mac and I will be getting out diving certification soon in preparation  for our anniversary trip to Barbados the end of this month. I'm trying to crawl out of this mess but it is taking time and motivation that I am slowly finding.

As I sit here having my knee shocked, I'm wondering why I didn't do this sooner.  I wish I had trusted my instincts and gone to the chiropractor sooner. But for now, I will keep shocking myself and wait until I can see them soon. Two weeks ago, I wasn't really sure if I would ever be able to run again. Thankfully, after this week, I think I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully things continue to go well and it isn't just a train.

My feelings on the Princess Half Marathon

Because the Princess Half marathon was my first race attempt 5 years ago, many of the running friends I have made on FB are connected to that race. Because of that, my feed is flooded with posts about registration opening up today. In years past, I was posting about it too. Now I find myself fighting a feeling of disgust and anger every time I see something about that race. It used to be a race that brought up nerves and excitement and now it doesn't.

When I attempted Princess in 2011,  there were something like 11,000 runners in the half. I never felt crowded and ended up being completely alone just before I was swept. There was a feeling of community and acceptance with everyone there. As the years went by that changed. In 2012, when I completed my first Princess, there were around 19,000 runners I think. It was a little more crowded but still manageable. It was still a good time but the attitudes seemed to be shifting. The last several years they have been allowing 26,000 runners to participate in the half. It is way too crowded, especially in the back corrals and unless you are fast enough to be in the first corrals, you will never find yourself alone on a stretch.

The attitudes I run into on the course have also gotten horrible. There is pushing and shoving, yelling and cursing and it is just not fun. I admit I have a mouth like a sailor, especially once I an hurting and get tired, but I rarely direct it at anyone. It is usually just a random word thrown out to relieve some frustration so I can continue forward. People yelling at walkers or bitching about other runners is never an uplifting thing. Sure, you still find some people that are encouraging and supportive but they are being drowned out by they bad. Runners that do not submit a proof of time(your fault, not mine) and end up ion the last corral try to shove there way through the slower runners and they are not nice about it at all. Just because you screwed up and didn't do what you were supposed to do does not give you the right to belittle the people that are right where they should be.

Don't even consider the expo to be a fun and easy experience either. That is where the claws really come out. WDW races have not gotten their act together and started doing it like they do in California. There, you have a designated area where a line forms and they give out wrist bands so you can't jump the line completely. Then they allow small groups of shoppers into the official merch area so you can still see what is going on and get your things. As shoppers go to check out, they let more in. It is calm and civil and much easier to get what you want as long as you go early enough to get in line. At WDW races, it is chaos. There is a line but once they open the doors, it is a free for all. Then the lines for checkout become insane and it just doesn't make since. They have a system that works very well on the west coast, they need to figure out how to use it in Florida.

Nothing about it is fun anymore. The hotels that weekend cost a ton of money, the crowds in the parks and at the races are crazy and people are just getting mean. It costs too much to go and have a miserable time so I have pretty much sworn the race off entirely. I may do the 10k once in a while and if I ever get fast enough to end up in one of the earlier corrals, I may attempt the half again, but for now, I am done. I love the California races and I would much rather spend my money on flying out there than going to Florida and being miserable.

Days like today always leave me with conflicting emotions. I see people that I love and miss signing up and part of me wants to be there and do it with them. But then I remember how horrible it was this year and I never want to run it again. I'm sure one day I will actually do it again, but I hope some things change before that day comes.

About what I expected: A Star Wars Dark Side recap

I know it has been a while since I posted. Since then I have completed halfs number 13(Star Wars Cali), 14(Princess Half) and 15(Star Wars Dark Side Fla).

Star Wars in Cali was great. I felt better than I expected during the race especially since I did the challenge and it gave me hope again. I love that race and everything about it. Then came Princess and it was rough. The more I do WDW races, the more I hate them. There is just something about them that makes them hard. I don't know if it is the course or the weather or a combination of things but they always seem to be crappy races for me. After Princess, I had very low hopes and expectations for Star Wars Dark Side. A race in April in Florida sounded like not a lot of fun and then you throw in a course map that looks like the course was going to be bad made me feel like it was probably a one and done(at least until Star Wars Land is complete so they can change the course).

I signed up for all three races for that weekend so I could have at least one medal from all of them. I did the 5K with Rach and her mom and it was fun and laid back. We dressed up as workers from the Dark Side Cookie Co(a play on the Great American Cookie Co) since you always hear that the Dark Side has cookies. We had shirts, visors and aprons that I made for us and we handed out oreos on the course.

Saturday morning, Mac and I did the 10K. It was interesting. If you looked at the course maps in the event guide, it showed that the 10K was basically just the first half of the half marathon with a little difference in Epcot and mostly a reverse of what we ran for the shortened Wine and Dine. We started out in front of Epcot and ran around into the backlot area. We came out in World Showcase next to Mexico and turned towards Spaceship Earth. After going around half of the lagoon, we headed out the back side of Epcot onto the Boardwalk. Running on the boardwalk is always nice because it is nice and bouncy since it is all wood but I knew the trouble area was coming up quick. Between the boardwalk and Hollywood Studios the course gets VERY NARROW. I knew it was going to be bad and it was. There were so many people it was very hard to run and then you add all the jerks that are trying to shove through the crowds and it was a nightmare. Once we were through that madness, we were at HS. There was a small group of 501st members out front for pics. It was nice that Disney allowed them to be a part of the race but it wasn't as good as the presence they have at the California race because Disney limited the number of members allowed to be out there. The first time I noticed that the course was different from the published course was in HS. In the event guide, it looked like we would run by the new Launch Bay and then through a back stage area to get back unto the main "road" towards Tower. However, we just ran into the park and immediately turned right onto the normal path instead of going farther in towards launch bay. Because of this we didn't run by ANY of the Star Wars stuff in the parks. We headed out of the back lot area behind Tower of Terror and onto the road towards Wide World of Sports. This was pretty straight with a few over passes that sucked because of the banking of the roads on the curves of the ramps. To enter WWoS, we had to take the horrible dirt road that I hated when I ran Tower of Terror 10 Miler a few years ago. After winding through WWoS, we were done and headed to the buses to go to breakfast. After the 10K, I really wasn't looking forward to the half the next day.

Checking out the 501st members before heading into HS

Sunday morning we were up super early. They moved up the start time up 30 minutes because it was supposed to be a little warm and that would give us more time before the sun came up. We were in the 8th of 12 corrals so it was a little over 30 minutes before we got started. The first mile was exactly like the 10K but after that, it changed some. When we hit the World Showcase, we turned left instead of right. After circling the back half of the lagoon we headed onto the opposite side of the boardwalk than we ran during the 10K. That is where the crowding and shoving started during the half. It only got much worse as we headed to the narrow sidewalk on the way to Hollywood Studios. I may have threatened to shove a few idiots into the water as they shoved past me on the right side but I did not do it. We ran a little more in HS than during the 10K but still not past any of the Star Wars attractions. At least they did have some storm troopers out on the stage as we ran by. They had a group from the 501st in front of the Fantasmic theater area which was nice but still not the same as Cali. Soon we were out of HS and headed towards Animal Kingdom. The road there and back was a part of the course I was not looking forward to at all. As we headed down the road out of HS, we found out we had a at least 20 minute lead on the pacers. As we went up one of the ramps, I looked back and only saw a sea of people. I wasn't feeling great that morning so this made me feel a little better. As we headed down the road to AK, I started to feel a little nauseated and my stomach was cramping up. I had a melt down at one point and started crying. The only reason I cared if I finished or not was the Kessel Run Medal. I didn't want to miss out on the giant millennium falcon medal. At that point I did not care about that race anymore but I wanted that special medal for doing both Star Wars races and that is the only reason I kept moving forward. As we got closer to AK, I could see the pacers behind us. I tried to speed up but they were still catching us. By the time we got to the 11 mile  marker, they were getting very close. I started running just after mile 9 and had been running the entire time. I wasn't running fast, but I was running. Mac was also pushing me along during a lot of it. We were trying to get to the stupid dirt road but at least this time it would mean we were safe and that was around 11.8 miles. They were right behind us as we turned onto the dirt road but I didn't care because we were close and I was going to get my medals. Once we finally finished, I had to find ice, a mister fan and a place to sit because I felt like I was going to pass out. After taking a minute to regroup, we got our challenge medals(dark side and kessel run). We headed over to the buses with a plan to jump on the bus to Epcot for breakfast. However, the bus situation was a NIGHTMARE. There were probably 1000 people in line for the Epcot bus so we hopped on one to the Poly so we could take the monorail. Even though we had nearly an hour to get there after we finished, we did not get to Epcot in time for our reservation. We ended up going to a very yummy place off property but not until after a little frustration and bickering due to the completely unorganized mess that was transportation after the race.

Mac literally pushing me to the finish line.

The general consensus from other runners that ended up on the same monorail with us was that it SUCKED. Everything sucked. The course, the entertainment(or lack thereof), the crowds, the transportation situation, it all sucked. It was just as much of a disappointment as I expected it to be. I went it to the race weekend with the expectation that I would not do it again, at least for a few years. I only did it this year because it was an inaugural race and because I wanted that millennium falcon.  So now that it is done, I will go back to loving and running the Star Wars race in Cali and leave this one alone until construction is over and they can come up with a much better course. I'm glad it is done and I am glad I have my medals but this race is way down on my list of races to repeat.

At least we got our medals

Four attempts with One success

I'm sorry I haven't posted much this year. The past year and a half has been really hard. I've felt like I have been such a failure. I let the stress with all of the moving get to me and I went the wrong way. I started gaining weight and gained so much more than I ever expected. It is so easy to fall back into bad habits and undoing all the hard work that I had done took a toll on me and my confidence.

When we moved here, I decided to stop and fix everything. I started going to a local gym and working with a personal trainer. For the last 9 months, I have worked with her, and I have not seen much when it comes to results. I tried getting back into a good running routine and that went well until a few weeks before my first half of my running season. Life got in the way and my last few long runs didn't happen. I still wasn't losing weight and I was very frustrated.

The morning of that race, I felt good but nervous. Four miles in, I felt great, then the rain started. By the time I got to mile 8, I was in serious pain due to blisters and I was seriously debating stopping. By mile 10, the debate was over. I called Mac to come get me. I knew if I walked those last 3 miles, my feet would be destroyed and I had so many more races coming up. It was not an easy decision, but it was the right one.

Attempt #1 at my 12th half marathon - FAILED

The next race on the list was Wine and Dine in November. I had every intention to buckle down  and get in my miles between the Jekyll race and Wine and Dine. However, frustrations got in the way and I stopped running like I should. I was creeping up on the end of my biggest loser time frame and I had actually gained weight during those 9 months. I know a lot of that weight is muscle, but the fact that I hadn't lost enough fat to see a difference on the scale really had me down. I still felt like I was good for Wine and Dine but I did not get in the training that I should.

Wine and Dine ended up being a cluster. I tried to be smart and stay off my feet before the race since I learned my lesson at Tower of Terror Ten Miler a few years ago, but there was a big group of us doing the 5K that morning. After that, Mac and I took a nap and then went to dinner. The plan was to head out to Beach Club and catch a race bus. We got out there around 8pm and the race was supposed to start at 10pm. We hung around the staging area and the time we thought we should be headed to the corrals, we finally started moving, but soon found they were leading us into the stadium at Wide World of Sports. There was a storm in the area and they wanted to keep us safe. After lots of waiting around and no idea what was happening, they finally let us back out and told us the race was going to start an hour late and the course would be shortened. Our corral finally started some time around 11:40.

The course was just over a 10K but by the last two miles, I felt like I had done a half instead of 5 miles at that point. My feet were killing me from the early morning 5K and all of the standing around with the weather delay. I had big plans of living it up at the after party but once we actually got in there(and saw the crazy lines for all the food) we decided it was time to just go to bed.  I know it isn't my fault that the race ended up being shortened but having another attempt come up short sucked.

Attempt #2 - FAILED





Next up on the list was Space Coast Half Marathon. I seriously considered not even showing up. I was so upset with how I felt at Wine and Dine that I thought there was no way I could do a half three weeks later. I looked to see if there was a transfer or deferral option and they had neither. I did find out that it had a 7 hour limit so I knew if I had to crawl it, I could finish in that time. I was cautiously optimistic as we headed down there. I was excited about this race. I loved the theme and REALLY wanted the medal. The morning of the race I did something I NEVER do and went for a group pic with some of my fellow sparkle skirt lovers. I got to say hello to a few of them before we all rushed out to the corrals. The Half started 30 minutes before the full and we had to get out there early.  I did the race all on my own but I think I needed that considering everything that has happened this year. The course was amazing. It was very flat and the entire was was along the waterfront of the Indian River. There were gorgeous houses on the other side. Lots of the families came out to cheer us on and one had a whole breakfast area set up for runners to grab stuff including bacon, orange slices, beer, mimosas, pretzels, pancakes and almost anything you could want. It was a straight out and back so you started with the water to your left and ended with it to your right. Mac was hanging out around the 5K mark so I saw him twice. I wasn't fast, but I felt good during the race. As I neared the end, I was a little emotional because I really wasn't sure if I was going to be able to finish before I started and at mile 12, I was tired but still felt good. they had and awesome amount of food and stuff for the runners after the race including a pancake breakfast or pizza and beer. I went with the pancakes but I did get my beer for Mac. I sat and watched as people from both races finished. I had hoped to see a friend finish her first half but we had to get back to the hotel so I could shower and we could check out so I had to leave before I could see her. I left finally feeling good about my running again, but also dreading the following weekend a little. My next half was only a week away.



Attempt #3 -  SUCCESS!!

So I finally finished my 12th half marathon but the possibility for 13 was way too close. Heather had mentioned earlier in the year that she wanted to do the Diva Half in St Augustine and I said I would do it with her. I wasn't paying attention to the date and didn't realize it was only one week after Space Coast. If I had realized they were that close, I may not have signed up for it. I was also worried because Mac and I were going to Disney a few days before the race to do another Christmas party and also to Sea World because they do a great job decorating for Christmas too. I knew I was going to be on my feet a lot and my knee has hurting more after Space Coast than I expected.  The morning of the race, it was cold and rainy. I REALLY didn't want to start. Fortunately the rain stopped before the start of the race. The race was very disorganized though. No one was sure where the start was or how the waves were going to be split up. The race finally started and we were towards the back of the pack. If Heather hadn't been there, I would have gone back to bed. I wasn't that excited about the race and I didn't feel 100%. By the time we hit the 5K point, I was hurting. My knee was NOT happy with me. My IT band has been tight and it was definitely making me feel every step. The course was kind of crazy and the half way point was very close to the finish. I seriously planned on just stopping there and waiting on Heather to finish. I knew she wouldn't be happy with me though. I didn't want to slow her down because I knew the course had a time limit and they would be sweeping.  I told her I would go as long as I could and if the bus got close, then she should leave me. About 9 miles in, I saw the bus was catching us so I told her to go ahead. Just after mile 10, I saw a few people heading back towards me to go get on the bus(which was about 20 feet behind me. I decided to join them. It just wasn't worth fighting the pain anymore and it started raining again. Around mile 11.5, someone asked if they could get off the bus so that if someone else needed to get in they could(it was completely full). The driver said yes but that if we caught them again, she would have to pick them back up. She stopped next to the end of an out and back turn around so they had a little head start on the bus. Everyone got out except for myself and one other lady. The reality was, I just didn't care enough about the race and I knew that I wouldn't have done the entire distance so 10 miles was good enough for me. The driver was doing her best to let the ladies in front of us finish. there was one that was doing her first half and she was determined to keep going. The driver decided that as long as the race directors or local police didn't tell her to hurry and pick everyone up, she was going to let them finish. As we passed the tiara and boa station at mile 13, she stopped and got them for the two of us on the bus still. Then just before the finish, she stopped and let us out to cross the line. I really just wanted to find Heather and leave but I crossed with the other runner and got my stuff. We ran to get on the last shuttle back to our parking lot. I was glad that it was over even though it wasn't the best race.

One of the best things about the race, even though it was chaotic and the course was crazy with all of its turns, the local police department was amazing. Some times with races, the town wants the roads opened ASAP. However, these officers were so encouraging to every runner. The police chief was riding around in an ATV checking on all of the officers out on the course. He never once rushed anyone and wanted everyone to finish. He was even picking up struggling runners and taking them ahead on the course so they wouldn't get picked up. He directed traffic when he needed and cheered everyone along. Every officer on the course was the same. When the last runners passed, they cheered and clapped and encouraged them every step along the way. It really was refreshing to see such genuine care and support from those working the course.

Even though I did not finish the race, I got 10 miles done. I enjoyed seeing St Augustine again and I was there when Heather did her first non-Disney half marathon.

Attempt at my 13th half marathon - FAILED

On the way home from St Augustine, I decided to buckle down and get ready for Star Wars Half in Disneyland in January. Monday after the race, I started trying to use the 21 day fix cups to help keep my food in check. I have been taking pics of my food again(but not consistently) and trying to refocus. I have started my back to back runs to prepare for the Rebel Challenge. I want to go back to California a little lighter if I can. It has been a week and I have lost 3 pounds. I am sure most of that was water weight but at least it is a start. I'm hopeful about where things are going. We'll see if I can keep the momentum going in the right direction this time. I have Star Wars DL in January, Princess in February, Star Wars WDW in April and Tink in May. Hopefully with all that running along with eating better and continuing with my personal trainer, I will see some real results in the coming months.

The good and the bad of last week

Last week was one of those weeks. It was really crappy and really good at the same time. I decided to start logging my food in a new way. It was a bad week for that. I did pretty good about taking pics of everything, good and bad, at the beginning of the week but I had two unusual nights that threw me off.  Tuesday I went out with a friend I have reconnected with here to go painting. Because of that, I was getting home late and Mac had already eaten. My plan had been to make a nice healthy chicken dinner at home but I wasn't going to go through the trouble of cooking it all for just me and I was starving and didn't want to wait that long. My initial reaction was to just grab fast food. Instead, I went to Panera and tried to make a better choice by getting chicken soup. I also went by Publix hoping to get something more substantial but also healthy to go with my soup. They had nothing good left at the deli and I was hungry, so I grabbed a small thing of banana pudding, planning to only have part of it. The banana pudding was the first thing I ate and did not record. That trend continued through the rest of the week. Thursday night was Bunco and there were tons of sweet treats there. I had a few different things and they sent more home with me. I helped Mac eat them. I finally gave up on Friday and decided to reset and try again. I posted a little over the weekend but the main plan was to get back on track on Monday. I did pretty well getting back to it with a few exceptions late night.

I absolutely recognize that I eat way too many carbs. I always have. And I do not eat enough protein. I am trying to change those things but it takes time. It also takes a more structured week than I had last week. I need to get back into the habit of having a salad at night instead of chips and salsa or a few pieces of candy and eating apples and peanut butter instead of mindless snacking. It is going to take some determination to get through the withdrawals and cravings but I know if I push through, I should start seeing real results. I just need to get back to fueling my body properly instead of just eating. But all of that is much, much easier said than done.

On the other hand, it was a good week in other areas. A few months ago, Mac and I entered a drawing for a free bike sponsored by an organic protein drink at one of the natural grocers here in town. Mac has a bike but it has been years since I have owned one and I have never had a nice bike like the one I got Mac for his birthday two years ago. We entered saying maybe I could get a bike that way. Well, two or three weeks ago, Mac got an email that he had won. They just needed the info(gender, height, inseam) so they could customize the bike. It was built and shipped to us and arrived on Wednesday.

On top of that, I sent out my first shirts as part of my new custom design business. I love wearing fun shirts for races but getting them custom printed, especially on a tech shirt, is not cheap. My mom ended up upgrading the heat press I had used for my Star Wars shirts and gave me the old one. Now I can create custom items for anyone interested.

I have been running on Monday nights with a couple ladies from MRTT. It is still a very small group but it has given me the accountability I need to keep up with those short runs. Last Monday, we had a new runner which gave us a group of three. I decided to really push and make sure we stuck to the intervals the entire 3+ miles and we ended up with the best average pace we have had since we started. We aren't trying to be fast, but it was good knowing we were getting a little better. I didn't get any more runs in during the week but I kept going to the gym as usual(my trainer is FINALLY focusing on my upper body instead of legs) and I got in my first long run in a while.

I should have been doing long runs each weekend for the last few weeks, but I have been scared to do it. I haven't done anything over three miles since Peachtree and even though we did over six that day, we walked over half of it because of the weather and just wanting to enjoy the race. I hadn't actually purposely ran anything over three miles since the 10K I did in April. I was terrified to get back out there, so I didn't. Last week, I was hit with the realization that I only had 8 weeks until my half marathon on Jekyll Island and 12 weeks until Wine and Dine, so I HAVE to start getting in some distance runs or I am not going to have a great race like I want. I had six miles on the schedule and though I was scared of it, I knew I had to do it. 

Mac and I suited up and headed out around 11 Saturday night. The  first 2-3 miles ALWAYS suck for me. That is why I hate short runs and typically don't do many 5Ks anymore. About a mile and a half in, my calves were getting so tight. I was so sure I was never going to make it the entire six miles(this is the normal thought process). I tried to focus on how much farther we had to go because realizing we had only done 1.5 was depressing. To do the six miles in our neighborhood, we needed to run every street and culs-de-sac  twice plus our street and a tiny bit extra again at the end. It was basically  two and one third laps. As my legs were still cramping, I was just trying to focus on finishing that first lap. We passed the house and somewhere during the next mile my legs loosened up.  Finally, I was feeling good and like I was going to get through the run. I realized near the end of the first lap that my GPS was wrong. I am fully aware that they are never accurate so I ALWAYS map out my route exactly like I will run it so that I can figure out how long it is and when I will hit my mileage that I need. I knew about what it should be at the end of the lap and it was off by almost half a mile. Because of that, my pace was wrong as well, which was frustrating. I KNEW my second mile was faster than 17 minutes but I had no way of knowing what it really was until we were done. At the end of the second lap, I was tired but still felt pretty good. We just had our end of the neighborhood left and I would complete my first long run of training. Even though I knew it was wrong, it was really hard for me to deal with my Garmin being off by half a mile and not feeling like I needed to keep going until it said six miles but I knew I had mapped it out so I knew what was six miles. We were headed back towards the house and the last three tenths of a mile. I looked at my watch and saw that it was at 1:27. I knew if I finished in 1:30 that I would have an average pace of 15 minute mile. I know that is slow but it is still hot and I haven't run that far in months so I was hoping for 1:30. I became determined to finish in under 1:30. I picked up my walking pace because I was doing 1/1 intervals. I had 2 walks and only 1 run left and if I wanted to make it in time, I had to speed up. When the alarm sounded for my last run interval, I took off. I was focused on making it as far as I could. Unfortunately, that interval was on the uphill part of the end of the run. It isn't steep, but when you are tired and pushing yourself as hard as I was, it feels so much worse. I made it to the top before the end of the run interval but I was so out of breath I had to start walking before I reached the minute mark. The end of the route passes our house and goes up the hill to the cul-de-sac and then back to the street light in front of our house. I only had half as far to go back and it was down hill. I walked for about 100 feet to try to catch my breath just a little and then sprinted to the end. I hit the button on the Garmin and it stopped at 1:29:46. It was close but I made it in under 1:30. After cooling down and getting some chocolate milk, I uploaded my run so I could fix the route. We ran exactly six miles with an average pace of 14:58. I was so happy.

It felt good to have a good run and to get that first long run out of the way. Last Wednesday is also the day I received an email from RunDisney with a 12 week training plan for Wine and Dine. I checked it out and realized it increased the mileage soon enough for me to use it for Under the Oaks in October and then continue on for Wine and Dine. It works a little better with my workout schedule and includes some speed work, which I have never done before but have wanted to do. Of course, I have adjusted it just a little to better suit me but hopefully it will help me get back on track and have a great race season.

Now if I could just get that food under control so I could lose some of this weight and make running easier.

Trying a new approach

I recently read an article about a new approach to tracking your food. Instead of counting calories or logging things with numbers, they suggested taking pictures of your food. Their end goal was a little different from the thoughts that I had when I first saw the link to the article and I quickly lost interest in their idea(I can't even remember what all they said) but I really liked the idea I had. I know one of the points of the article was being able to look back at the things you ate and pay attention to the portion sizes, types of carbs and proteins and things like that, which are good ideas. I just wanted to take it a little further. For me, if I was only going to be the one looking at the pics, yeah, I may pay attention to those things but after a while, I wouldn't care and would either stop taking pictures or ignoring the bad things in them. I knew that if it was going to be seen by others however, that would have a HUGE impact on what and how much I ate. The article said to take a picture of everything that went into your mouth, and I agree with that. But I am going to take it one step further and share those pictures.

I have finally started an Instagram account solely for this purpose. If you would like to follow me to help me stay accountable, I would really appreciate it. I started taking pics today and the meals weren't great but it was kind of like a last indulgence before diving in. I will still allow myself a cheat probably once a week or every two weeks because being too strict leads to failure. Knowing that  others will see it, I feel like this will help me to stay accountable and make better choices for each meal and possibly stop me from having those bad snacks or find something better to munch on.

Some of you have been following my journey for a while and you have been so supportive. Any help you can give me here by simply following would mean so much. You don't even have to look at the pics, but seeing that I have followers, will help me to hopefully keep my act together this time.

If you would like to follow me here is my info.
https://instagram.com/mmhweightlossbattlesfoodlog/

Checking a race off my list

I have been wanting to do Peachtree Road Race for a few years. I was always a little wary of the fact that it is a race on the 4th of July in Atlanta but hearing about the atmosphere made me want to do it. I almost tried to get a transfer bib last year but decided not to at the last minute. Knowing how much closer we are living to Atlanta this year, I decided this would be the best time to try. I did not want to enter the lottery because I didn't want to risk not getting in. I looked into the charity bib option and decided it was worth it. I did not have to raise any money,  I just had to pay extra which would go directly to the charity. On top of that, I would get an early wave placement and access to the special charity areas before and after the race. Peachtree is a 6.2 mile party. It starts in Buckhead in front of Lenox and takes you down Peachtree Road towards downtown where you turn onto 10th street and run to Piedmont park for the finish line. People from all over the city come out to cheer on the runners and celebrate. They hand out food, water, candy popsicles, and beer. 

I ended up running with one of my best friends, Patrick. When I mentioned I had signed up, he said he may be interested, so I signed him up, haha. Don't tell me about a race you have been considering running because there is a good chance I will sign you up to run it with me. I know that he isn't a huge fan of running anything more than 3 miles, so I decided to use this as the push to actually get him to do the race. I knew it wouldn't be hard for him since we would be going at my pace, which is much slower than his.

A few friends from college met up with us in ATL to hang out for the weekend. We found an apartment to rent out for the weekend that was really close to the finish area at Piedmont Park. We were a little farther from MARTA than I wanted to be but it was close enough that Mac could drop us off closer to the station. Patrick was staying somewhere else since work had him in ATL and they covered his hotel.

I woke up race day to a very unpleasant surprise. There was a HUGE storm headed straight for the course that stretched on for a while. I checked the race FB page and things were still a go but they were keeping an eye on the storm. Patrick drove over the morning of the race to catch a ride to the train with me. Mac wasn't able to get us as close as we thought to the the station we were planning to use because of the road closures but we followed a few other runners up to it.(We were actually right next to a station and didn't realize it. Oh well.) We were able to see the wheelchair racers as they turned onto 10th street towards the finish line. We got into the station just as a train was getting ready to leave. We could have hustled and made it on but we decided to wait for the next. We should have run for it. The next train was definitely a lot fuller. Because of the longer walk to the train and waiting for the next one, we were running a little late. Our Wave was set to start at 7:50. I felt a little better knowing we were on the train with lots of people that were supposed to start before us. If we got into our wave, great. If not, we would just jump in a later one.

We got off the train and headed towards the start corrals. As we got closer, I saw the sign for wave E go past. We made it to the start area just as D was preparing to leave. We hoped in to the front of E and made our way to the line. It wasn't raining yet but the sky didn't look good. We started right on time. We jogged for a while until we could make our way over to the right side. It started raining almost immediately after we started. With it being wet and crowded, I wanted to be safe, not sorry. We never followed any set intervals just went by feeling. Not long into the race, we found someone handing out beer and free hugs. I got a hug and Patrick got a beer. Then we grabbed a pixie stick. I was handed some 80s sunglasses and a full size bottle of water.  Patrick made a pit stop and I laughed at the people going out of their way to run through a sprayer that was set up on the right side of the road. By this time, it was raining pretty steady and everyone was soaked. There was no need for the water. We headed on into mile 2 which is mostly down hill. We jogged the entire thing at an easy pace. As we ran, I noticed a tent for Sweet Water beer where they were handing out free cups. Since it is a local beer and not the cheap stuff he was handed earlier, I knew Patrick would want some but he didn't see it. I yelled, "Patrick, beer. Sweet Water!" He darted in front of me, hit a huge puddle, grabbed and light pole to pull a U turn and everyone cheered as he ran back for his beer. I was enjoying my blue freeze pop that I grabbed just before the beer tent from some teens with a cooler. It was the perfect slushy consistency. We enjoyed our treats as we continued town the hill. For about the last half of the downhill section, we could see the buildings of downtown ATL and straight ahead of us was the one everyone calls "the pencil" because that is what it looks like. Somewhere during that section is when everyone on that decline saw "the pencil" get struck by lightning. Up until that point, the course flags had been yellow, after that, they were switched to red. There really wasn't too much lightning except for that one strike. Everyone kept going but many joked about the taller runners around them. There was a collective gasp through the thousands of runners on that hill when it happened but no one stopped.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I had heard about the major hill on the course. That's why I started trying to run one of the big hills near us to prepare. When we reached the flat area at the bottom of the hill, we walked for a while to recover and prepare for the hill. I wanted to run as much of it as I could. I didn't want it to slow us down too much. We hit the bottom and started running. There was a red light with a flat area just beyond it. I decided that I wanted to run to the light, take a walk break and then attack the hill again. At the light, we walked a little. I was trying to prepare mentally for the rest of the hill. I knew from others that they brought out the patients from the Spine Center to watch the race and that soon after we would reach the top of the hill and Piedmont Hospital. I was trying to psych myself up for this big, long climb and realized I was seeing the patients out under tents watching us. The rain was still falling but they were out there cheering. I realized I could see the Piedmont hospital sign and we were closer to the top than I thought. I told Patrick I wanted to run it out and started nearly sprinting up the hill. It was no where near as tough as I was expecting. Between hearing what others said and preparing for it for a few weeks before, it really wasn't as bad as I expected. I was really proud of our time up the hill when we were done.

After that, it was an easy run/walk through downtown. I texted our spectators as we turned onto 10th St so they would know we were coming and so they could let me know where they were. Patrick and I joked about a 10K ending our 12 year friendship because I made him start running when he really needed to find a restroom thanks to the beers he had on the course. Because we took the race pretty easy due to the rain, he had no trouble with the distance(which I expected) but as I runner, I know how hard it is to run when you need to go and I had to give him a hard time about it. We made our way down 10th towards the finish feeling good but very wet. I saw Mac and our friends just before we made it to the finish line. I got a quick kiss from the hubby and headed to the line. I knew our time was crap, but I didn't really care. We had a great time.

The finisher chute area was a muddy disaster. We headed through the lines to grab our finishers' shirts and then get our food box. Patrick finally made his pit stop while I looked for our crew. We slid in to the charity runner area to grab some fruit and most importantly, for me, a couple PowerIce popsicles. They are basically all natural gatorade in a popsicle.  The heat wasn't horrible thanks to the rain but it was still very refreshing after the race. After meeting up with the others, everyone headed back to our apartment. There was no real point in taking a shower because we were completely soaked. It started raining harder right after we finished so most of the sweat was rinsed off. The great thing about being in an apartment instead of a hotel was the fact that we had a dryer. everyone changed into dry clothes and tossed their wet stuff in the dryer. We hung out for the rest of the day and just enjoyed our time together. Our friends presented us with the medals I bought when I signed us up. Since Peachtree gives their shirts to finishers, they don't really do medals. Since so many runners now love their bling, they have started offering then for sale. Since I love my medals and I knew this was going to be Patrick's first(and possibly only) 10K, I got the medals for us both.

Peachtree really was a big party. I'm glad I did it, and if I get a chance, I may do it again. I was hoping I would have a decent finish time to possibly use for Wine and Dine but with the rain, that went out the window. It was a ton of fun running with an old friend and just having fun out on the course. We never took ourselves too seriously during the race and because of that we were free to just enjoy it. It was really nice having a nice race again, even if it wasn't the best finishing time.