Maybe I can do this

First of all, is anyone out there?!? I know I haven't been as consistent with posting the last few months and I am sorry. Did I lose everyone? Please let me know if you are still reading.

Now on to some things I touched on in my last post.

One of the big reasons I haven't been posting is because Mac left. With him deploying, everything was kicked out of whack and I felt like I lost all focus. It's hard to sit and type up a post when you can't seem to wrangle all the thoughts in your head.

But really the main reason I haven't been blogging is because I lost hope. Let me explain. I suffer from seasonal depression and when that hit this year, it hit harder than normal(because of the deployment.) I was already struggling with my eating and stalled out on the weight loss front. So that coupled with depression issues, I felt like I ran face first into a brick wall. This is the same wall I have hit over and over again in this life long struggle. The point were I start believing the voice in my head and everyone around me that says I can't do it. No, most people don't flat out say I can't do it but that is the message that I get. When my mother-in-law looks at me and asks me all of these questions about running and I hear the one she won't ask. "If you are running so much, why haven't you lost any(more) weight?" I can see it in her eyes as she looks at me when she asks. And yes, she is really wondering that. I'm sure most people are. The roll of the eyes or sarcastic remark I get from family when I talk about programs I am trying(shakeology) or new work outs I am considering doing make me feel foolish. No one expects me to change, so I stop expecting myself to succeed. I have been stuck in this rut for so long, why should I be able to get out now? Times when the motivation that was so strong and the determination that was driving me seems to have run out. I feel lost, alone and hopeless.

The Tinkerbell Half is one week away. ONE. WEEK. I'm just slightly freaking out. I have been so worried that I have wasted the past year because my training has slipped a lot the last two months. On new year's eve, when I tried to run 9 miles and couldn't finish, I was devastated. It was a hard blow and I really felt like I was doomed to repeat the past. Fortunately that weekend I was able to talk to my aunt and she helped me see that I was worth it and that I can do anything. Though that talk helped, I was still in a bad place. I tried to refocus but I continued to stumble.

Then it was time for my 11 mile training run. As it approached, I tried to treat it like the race. I tried to be more aware of what and when I was eating and how hydrated I was. I didn't want stupid things like that to be the reason I couldn't do it. I wanted to know exactly where I was physically so that I would know if finishing the Tink was even possible. I was scared, but I was ready to give it a try. I felt better during the run than I expected. I did have to stop once for the potty and once to fix my shoes but I was able to do the entire 11 miles. I walked most of the last 2 miles, but I did it. My time wasn't great. It would even be considered embarrassing for most people but it was good enough. It was good enough that if I can do the same thing at the Tink next week, I will have no problem crossing the finish line. I'm still nervous and I am still scared but I know feel like it really is a possibility. Something else that helped with that feeling is something I found online the other day. Melissa over at 13 going on Crazy had a post with this awesome pace calculator in it. I plugged in the intervals I used the other day and the paces required that it calculated are paces I know I can do even now. So when you add in the excitement and the help that race day gives you, I really shouldn't have a problem getting it done.

I finally had that little boost I needed to feel like it was all possible.

I have been dealing with a lot of regret lately, too, because I realized we are 2 1/2 months into this deployment and I haven't made any real progress with my weight. Yes, it is awesome that I am doing better with my running but I want to feel better and have a body that says runner, not one that makes people look at me like I have two heads when I tell them how far I have ran. (Though that is a response most distance runners get, it is even worse when you weigh over 200 lbs because they don't expect you to be able to walk a block let alone run 11 miles.) I want to be the person I have always wanted to be. I want to be able to go shopping where ever the hell I want and actually be able to buy clothes not just shoes. I want to be sexy. I feel like I have wasted so much time already and that was just one more thing that made me want to give up.

This past week, I found out the window for Mac's R&R. That means I have been researching options and beginning to plan more seriously. I still have 7 months before I will see him. I still have time to make a big change and I am starting to find that drive and determination again. I keep looking at places to go and stay and I keep finding myself looking for a common amenity or feature. I keep looking to see if there is a beach or a pool because I want to be so different by then that I WANT to wear a bathing suit. I want to see my husbands face light up and his eyes bug out a little when he sees me because that would be a version of me he has NEVER seen. I want to need to go and buy all new clothes before R&R because nothing I have will stay on me. I want to be a new person.

I'm really looking forward to the race finally. I feel like it is going to be the last nudge I need to really kick things into high gear and start making a big change. I want to prove everyone wrong. I want to prove myself wrong.

I want to succeed and I am finally starting to believe that I can.