8 Miles

When you aren't ready to lose weight and you try to, you fail. Don't get me wrong. Every time I tried I really wanted to lose weight but I wasn't ready. Every time you fail at losing weight, you don't just go back to where you started, you go beyond it. Every time I lost 10 lbs and then failed, I did not simply regain 10 lbs, I gained 20 or more. You get to a point where you feel so hopeless and you decide you can never succeed. You "try" but you really aren't giving it your all because you are going to fail, again. You get so depressed and so disappointed you give up on ever being a better person. You want to change but you can't. That is the cycle I found myself in until I had my aha moment.

My aha moment wasn't a light bulb turning on. It wasn't a bolt of lighting or a neon sign saying "Here's the answer!" It was quiet and calm and really hard to find while looking back. I knew something was different this time. I knew something had changed and I had a feeling I had never had before. I felt like this time it was really going to work. The last few weeks, things have been very encouraging when it comes to my running but I still feel like I could do better on the scale. Don't get me wrong, I've lost weight and it is great but sometimes I feel like because of how I feel and how my clothes fit, the scale should be in a better place than it is.

I know that one thing that is different is this, this blog and discussions I have had with others through other outlets. I'm talking about it, ALL of it. Never in my life did I think I would admit to the world what my heaviest weight was, but I did it and I know that is one of the things that is making this work. But there was something that lead to that point, and I kept trying to figure out what it was. What changed in me and when?

Sometimes on my rest nights, Mac and I go for a walk. We walk around the neighborhood and just talk. It has been amazing having that time with him. The Army keeps him busy so having an hour, just the two of us, to just talk about anything and everything is great. We were talking the other night about the half marathons I am planning on running and why the training is going better this year than it did last year. Last year I started C25K and quit after 3 weeks. I had excuse after excuse for why but the truth was I knew a half marathon was impossible. There was no way that I was ever going to be able to do it. I was too fat and too out of shape. There was no hope and no reason to try and fail and be disappointed again. I really almost backed out of the Princess Half this past Feb. It was Dec and I had not booked our room yet.( I am a Disney freak and love going so the fact that I waited that late meant there was a big problem.) I finally decided that we might as well go, but I was not sure I was going to try the race. I got there and decided I might as well try but I had not trained a day since June of 2010. I knew there was no way I was even going to finish. Mac and I talked alone that weekend and I said to him, "You know it is really going to devastate me if I don't finish." To which he replied, "I know." He has seen what failure does to me. He knows the darkness it throws me into. He was just as scared as I was that weekend about who I was going to be on the other side of that race.

The morning of the race, all I wanted to do was cry. I knew what was about to happen and I was terrified of what it would do to me. There I was, in the "Happiest Place on Earth," miserable. I met up with a few ladies at the start simply by pure dumb luck(also know as God's hand). We had not arranged to meet up I just happened to run into them. They were a good distraction during the waiting before the start. They were very encouraging and kept my mood lighter than it would have been had I been alone. Finally it was our turn to start and off we went. I jogged as long as I could and then slowed to a walk. I walked as quickly as I could but I was constantly being passed by those around me. Soon I was in the back of our starting group with the runners of the next catching me quickly.

I was alone. In a sea of people, I was completely alone. I had only one goal that morning and that was to make it through the castle. I lucked out and ended up with 3 corrals behind me since I registered so early. It meant that I had a pretty good cushion between me and the dreaded bus. I walked and thought and tried so hard not to cry. I was failing, with every step, I was failing. I kept going over the year before in my head. Beating myself up over failed opportunities and chances. I prayed for the 4 mile mark where my husband and a dear friend were waiting to cheer me on. When I started passing people on the sides of the road and didn't see them, I almost cried. I needed my husband. I needed someone that loved me to tell me it was alright. I needed a light a the end of the very, very dark tunnel I was in. I kept checking my watch and my pace was bad and getting worse. Finally, I saw him and I began to sprint. He had water for me and a huge smile. He was exactly what I needed in that moment. Having Rachel there was just a huge bonus because she loves me and encourages me just like he does.

It was the push I needed and I felt energized and a little less defeated. I kept moving even though I really just wanted to stop. My feet were killing me and I was tired, but I could see Magic Kingdom and I wanted to walk through the castle. As I entered through the back lot and turned onto Main Street USA, I was glad I had on sunglasses because I began to cry. Cast members lined the streets cheering us all on and straight ahead was my goal. I knew I was going to make it because I was in the park, the bus couldn't pick my up until I got out the other side. Even though I was going to fail, I was going to get the chance to go through the castle and complete that goal. I followed the path through Tomorrowland and made my way to the back of the castle. I soaked it in as I walked under the archway. I had made it this far, I was going to see how much farther I could go. I made out of the back side of MK and past the mile 6 marker right before the warning flag went up. I was running out of time.

I had been told that the road leading out of MK was the worst part of the race. There is nothing there and it is easy to lose your motivation. Disney obviously tried to make it a little better by adding a few things to entertain you but mostly it was a small road shaded by tall trees on both sides. On that road is where everything changed. I was walking as fast as I could but I was running out of steam. When the race began, I was determined to be stubborn and go until they forced me off the course. During mile six, I lost too much speed and the warning flag went up as I got to mile 7. I was told that if I could pass the lady with the balloons, I would not be picked up. I thought about trying to run to pass her but there was no way it was happening. My feet were killing me and I was just tired. I had just walked 7 miles as fast as I could and dammit, I was tired. That's when my thoughts started to shift. I realized that I was about to complete 8 miles without a bit of training while weighing over 250 lbs. I had a new goal and that was simply to make it to the next observation area at the 8 mile mark so that I could see Mac and Rachel and tell them I was done. One of the road guards rode by on her bike once again warning me that I was too slow and needed to speed up. I asked her what the "pick up" process was because I was done after 8 miles. She told me if I need to stop where I was, a van would take me to the next pick up point. I assured her that I was fine to walk to the next point so I could tell my husband but that after that, I was done.

A little voice in my head protested, "What? You're done. You're giving up. But that means you failed. You can't fail again."

I saw my family and told them to head to the finish line because I was getting on the bus. Then I climbed aboard and sat my happy ass down with a banana and a bottle of water. Wait, happy. Why the hell are you happy? You just FAILED. But I was happy, I finally realized that if I could walk 8 miles without ever training, then I could surely finish 13.1 miles if I just tried. We were all surprised when we got off the bus and they handed us medals even though we didn't finish. At first I was almost ashamed of the medal because I felt like I didn't earn it. I didn't deserve it because I had not trained. but I did earn it. I walked 8 miles to get that medal and during that 8 miles I realized that I did not fail. I didn't fail because I tried. I didn't finish, but I did not fail. I didn't fail because I realized it was possible. My fear that morning was that when I didn't finish all I would feel was shame. That the people around me were going to judge me harshly for not making it all the way. Instead, Meghan sent my husband a text about how proud of me she was when he told her I finished 8 miles. My husband still loved me and Rachel did too. Instead of feeling shame, I felt strength. It was a strength I had forgotten I had and the only reason I found it was because of those 8 miles.

In that 8 miles, I realized I was wrong. I realized I have been wrong for a long time. It IS possible. I'm not a lost cause. I don't have to resign myself to a life of pain and fear and shame. I CAN change this. And so I am. For the first time in my life, I see a happier healthier me and I believe that she is real. I know that she is in me and I am on the right path to setting her free.

So what motivates me is the knowledge that I now have that I am worthy and able to have the life I have always wanted. IT IS POSSIBLE!

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So I have to thank a few people for this realization because without them, it wouldn't have happened. Of course there is my husband because he is my rock and best friend. He loves me fat or skinny and I could not have asked God for a better man. there is a lot more I could say about him but I'll save that for a different day and time.

Then there is Rachel. She will always be affectionately known as "Shadow." God intertwined our lives in college so that it seemed like everywhere I went, she was there and through that she became my sister. She has been the only person other than Mac to truly know my ups and downs through this battle. She is always there to encourage or just to listen. She drove down to meet us that weekend and cheer me on from the sidelines. Even though her sign fell apart, seeing her face and hearing her laugh made it that much easier to keep going.

And finally, there is Meghan. If it wasn't for her and a picture she posted on FB last year after the 2010 Princess, I would have never started this journey. I would have never been at the race this past Feb and I would never be where I am now. God knew what he was doing when we were both lead to an online group even though I had no idea how important this perfect stranger would become to me and my journey and I am forever grateful that he chose to use such a funny and awesome person to get me here. And I am excited to see where our friendship goes.