Working out at home

I'm really enjoying having a space for working out and a good program to do at home. It is making my journey a little easier. I don't have to get ready and go somewhere to work out. I don't have to pay a gym membership and I can do it whenever I want. But probably the BEST thing about working out at home is that I can wear WHATEVER I want. Being the size that I am, I would never be comfortable working out in just shorts and a sports bra in public, but in the comfort of my own home, no problem. It is so nice not having to worry about what I look like. It means that I can focus on what I am doing, not how I am feeling due to insecurities. I think maybe this was exactly what I need.

Moving Forward

I had a really good workout tonight.. It was tough but good. I was worried about it because the plan I am doing is very intense. I had to take lots of breaks and there were some moves I just couldn't do. But I tried my best, did what I could and sweated a lot. I'm really hoping I can stick with it and see it through to the end. I feel like if I can stick it out, I will see some really good results.

Here's hoping I'm on the right path forward.

Being an adult sucks sometimes

Well, it's official. Mac and I are no longer registered for the 2012 Wine & Dine Half *sigh* Oh well. It was a pipe dream to begin with. I was really hoping things were going to work out for him to be home early enough for us to do it but that just isn't the case and the sooner we face that, the better. I was driving myself CRAZY trying to figure out how to plan a trip that we wouldn't know if we could make until about 5 days before. There was no good way to plan it. We were going to have to book a room only so that if we had to cancel last minute we could. We were going to have to priceline tickets the day before leaving more than likely and if everything fell through we would have to cancel everything. Our biggest concern was the race registration.

Before we ever signed up, Mac contacted runDisney and explained out situation and asked what would happen if we couldn't make it. They told him that since he was military and it was duty related, they would transfer his registration and wave any fees. They did not tell us how late they would be willing to do it. The more I thought about it, the more I worried that if we called at the last minute, they would tell us it was too late. We finally faced the reality that it was just impossible. Even if everything was timed perfectly and he did get home in time and all of his soldiers were home before we had to leave, it would still be too close. A trip like that is always a little stressful and undertaking something like that so close to homecoming could be overwhelming.

We finally just made the decision to contact them now and transfer. Mac is now going to be running the Princess with me in Feb.  As much as I want to do the Wine & Dine(and we WILL do it one day) I think it is fitting that he runs the Princess with me. (Also, every time I think about it I die laughing because his bib will say Prince William, haha.) The Princess means a lot to me and I would love to be able to share that with him. I'm excited about it but still a little sad. I wish I had waited to sign up for the Princess because then we could have just transferred mine as well but since I was impatient and didn't think, my registration is now being deferred to the next W&D. I know we made the right decision, it's just that sometimes being an adult sucks.

Focus

I'm trying to really buckle down and focus on the next 3 1/2 months. The next 9 weeks especially are key. I'm starting a new workout program that should really push me. I will tell you what it is and talk more about it AFTER I have finished it. I may try to keep a log of sorts on my computer that I can post when it is all over but we'll see. I just want to do the program and see what it can do for me in completion before I talk about it too much. So far, I have yet to actually complete any workout plan from beginning to end. I didn't even finish my half training last year, but I fortunately did enough to finish two races.

I am  focusing more on my food, too. Make sure I am properly fueled and eating good foods will be a big part of the next 9 weeks as well. I'm still figuring out what that means and how to do it but I'll get there. I'm paying more attention to what is in the foods I am eating and trying to be cleaner. I have been doing really well with my water lately. So much so that I was going through a 36 bottle case of water in 3-4 days. So I wised up and found new filters for our water filter.(Our water is very, very hard and tastes horrible. I can't drink it unless it is filtered.)

I have also started a few projects around the house. I know that may not seem health and fitness related but it is key to my emotional health. I want to be happy with and in my environment and I also need something to focus on and be excited about. A chance trip to a store  lead to me finding a piece of furniture that I fell in love with. It cost more than I wanted to pay but as I thought about it, I realized I could build it. Now I and in the process of building and revamping a whole new dining set for us. I am BEYOND excited about it and it feels good to have something that I want to do so much. I miss working with my hands. I miss having a creative outlet. I still have a few things I need to find but once I do, there will be no stopping me, haha.

Fear

Fear is a crippling thing if you let it. More times than not, my failures in this journey have been the result of fear. But something amazing has happened the times that I have decided to face those fears. The first was when I attempted the Princess the first time. I was so scared of failing that I had no idea what an amazing thing I could gain from it. I tried and I failed, but it gave me the drive and determination to try again and I have now completed not one but two half marathons.

Another time that I decided to face a fear head on was a little different though. When Mac and I traveled during his block leave before deployment we went to a place called the Enchanted Rock. It is a large pink granite rock that the native Americans believed was magic. It is definitely an unusual and awesome sight and truly a giant rock. There are hiking trails to the top and we decided to climb. Most of the trails are pretty much straight up. Once you get so high, there are no trails at all. You are just on a huge rock and you figure out how to go up. I kept thinking we were getting there then we would get to the top of a ridge and see that there was still a ways to go. I was getting tired and I was getting scared. We were getting pretty high and it was very windy. There were no trees or anything to grab if you felt unsteady. After a while, I sat down and said I had gone far enough.. I told Mac to go on without me. 

I sat there staring out, very down and disappointed with myself. I hated that I was chickening out. I hated that I was quitting. I started thinking about my journey and how far I have come. I thought about my husband standing on top of that rock. Finally, I stood up, turned around and started walking up. After a few minutes I was at the top with Mac. He was a little surprised to see me but happy as well. We weren’t at the highest point, that was  off to the side and a little too out there for either of us with the wind blowing as hard as it was, but we were close. We talked about why I had decided to keep going and why I was so afraid. I was glad to find out that Mac had taken a picture of me as I was sitting down below. We took pictures of each other looked around a little while and headed back down. I had done it, I had faced another fear and it paid off. 

It's one of the big reasons I want to change. There are so many things that my husband loves and would love to do with me but I won't because I am too scared. It's odd for me to say that because looking back as a child, I was fearless. High school broke my spirit and then during and after college when I gained the weight, I lost all confidence in myself and my abilities. That fear has gripped me and affected my life for more years than I care to admit. 

So many times I feel like what is still holding me back is fear. Fear of failing, fear of not being able to lose the weight, but also fear of success and what it would mean for my life to completely change. Fear of the unknown. I’ve been stuck in this place so long that I am afraid of anything else. I trying to face those fears and move forward but it is not an easy step to take. 

 The tiny dot in the middle of the road is me.

At the top

Scratch that

This whole training and weight loss thing is a lot of trial and error. Eventually you start finding the things that work and ditching the ones that don't.

That's what I am about to do with my current running plan. I was trying to redo the Weight Watchers 5K program that I did last year. When I did it the first time, I had some issues with cramping up that made the longer run intervals hard. I thought it was just because I hadn't been running. Well, apparently that isn't necessarily the case since after running for over a year and doing to half marathons, I am still having those issues when I get into the longer run intervals. So I am rethinking my run plan to try to work around this problem.

I'm also dealing with some frustrations over the fact that I may be training for a half marathon that I won't actually be running. Things are still so uncertain with Mac's homecoming(and will be until he is here) that it is making it hard for us to plan anything for it. he is supposed to be calling runDisney tomorrow to discuss some of the logistics with them to see if we have to scrap it all together or if we still may be able to pull something out of our hats. All of the uncertainty is KILLING me.

For now, I'll run as if we will be there and pray every day that it works out that way.

Tears

My poor husband, I feel sorry for what he has to listen to sometimes. I hate it when we are talking through a video call and I end up blubbering through the entire conversation. I try to "be strong" and I try not to cry but some days I just can't help it. This week has been full of ups and downs. I just returned to our home in TX late Sunday night. The last time I was here, it was mere days after he left to go back to the Middle East to finish out his deployment. Deployments are always full of highs and lows. Unfortunately, I am currently facing a low. We are winding down and it seems like the end may be in sight but it is still far enough away to feel like forever. I want the next 4 months to fly by and slow down all at once.

All of the deployment emotions simply compound the emotions of this journey. So many people don't understand how much of an emotional battle losing weight really is for someone as large as I am. It always frustrates me when smaller people make it out like it is so simple. "Just eat right and exercise and you'll get there." Sorry, it doesn't actually work that way. Sure if you eat right and exercise you will lose weight but if you don't find, confront and deal with the issues that got you where you are, you'll be back there before you know it. I've been dealing with a lot of jealousy, disappointment and fear lately.

I am mad at myself for not being further along in this journey by now. I am frustrated that after all the work I've put in, I still can't see a lot of results. I really wanted Mac to come home to a new wife but I feel like I have wasted the last 8 months and though I can still make a change, it won't be as big as the one he deserves. I keep trying to figure out why I haven't just done it and every time I think about it, all I can think of is how scared I am. I am terrified that I will try and still fail. That I will give it my all, eat right, work out all the time, improve my running and still be 230+. Because of this fear and lack of confidence, I have been self sabotaging. I skip workouts when I know I should just do it. I buy things to have as "treats" every once in a while and then sit down and eat the whole box. I start the day off right and eat like I should, then binge later in the day because "what's the point, I'm never going to lose the weight anyway."

The last few weeks though my biggest problem has been the green eyed monster. I look at people that start out smaller than me and lose weight like it is nothing. They jump into intense training plans with no second thought and have great results. They just cut out sodas and the pounds melt off. They decide to start running and their "slow" starting pace is 4 minutes faster than the pace I have worked over a year to get. It pisses me off and hurts more than I can ever say because I have been busting my ass for a year. I am in better shape than most of them yet they are the ones that everyone notices they are losing weight and I'm still just the fat chick. I can run farther and longer than they can. I can do more squats, lunges and hold a plank longer. I can do more sit-ups and crunches but no one sees a change in me and they drop 3 dress sizes in a blink. It's hard to watch that. It is hard to live that.

I spent most of an hour crying while talking to my husband this afternoon. We talked about my plan of attack. What I want to do workout wise and how I am going to tackle some of my eating challenges. He understands because he has a sweet tooth that has kept him around the top of his weight limit for his age in Army standards. He is trying to lose the little bit of belly he has gained since we married. I am going to try a new approach. Instead of repeating the same workout program I did a few months ago, I'm going to try a new one. I've been having trouble getting back into the Slim in 6 program because I started it once already and when I quit I was further along than I am now when I am trying to get back into it. I think I need something new so that I am not constantly reminded that I have backtracked some these last few months. Once I am done or farther along in the new program, I may add it back in, but for now, I need to just walk away from it. I can't keep trying things that are only frustrating me more. I have to find new ways to work hard and get where I want to be. I get so focused on forcing myself to do things a certain way that I forget that sometimes, those things just don't help, they only make it harder. I want to be an athlete again. I want to be a runner. I want to look sexy and feel good about myself.

For now, I just have to remind myself that :

I will make my goals.

I will change my life.

I will become the woman I have always wanted to be.

I will be the wife my husband deserves.

I will succeed.