Ashamed

I've done a lot of thinking lately about something I've been struggling with since this running journey began. I've struggled with being ashamed of my pace. I know that seems stupid but it is true. I know everyone always says, "at least you're running" or "you're lapping everyone on the couch." And while that may be true, the same people that say that are many times the same ones that make me ashamed of my pace.

For the past year, I have made it a point to very rarely mention my actual pace. Usually I just say I'm slow. Unfortunately, that opens the door for people to unknowingly make me feel bad. People respond with comments like, "It's ok, I'm slow too. I can only keep an average pace of around 13 min mile." Well, I would love to have that pace and for me, that would not be slow." Or on forums people will worry about being swept and say they can only do a 14 min mile. That is 2 minutes below the required pace and unless you stop for 10-15 minutes at every character, you won't have a problem at all. I know, I was swept last year. The worst are the people that hove no idea what they are posting has an affect on me. It's the status updates from friends of mine that talk about how they had a horrible run because they could only do a 10 minute mile. Or they post their run times and then comment on it with something about how they are waiting to be ridiculed for being so slow. If you expect ridicule for a 10 min mile, I need to stop talking about running all together.

My overall pace for the run is going to be right around a 16 min mile. That's what I did for the Tinkerbell and that is what I will do my best to do again for the Princess. So when I say I am slow, I mean I am slow. I am on the verge of being too slow. Thankfully I will have a good corral position which will give me cushioning so that I don't have to stress too much. Granted this is my average pace which is an average of my walking and running paces. I can run faster than that but not for very long and definitely not for 13 miles. I walk slowly which brings my average pace down. I am walking faster than I used to but I am still slow. However, I HAVE to walk. If I try to run the entire thing, I would run slower than a 16 min mile. The first time I ever ran a full 5K I ran a 16:30 pace and hurt EVERYWHERE after. With the intervals I am actually a little faster and my body recovers so much quicker.Truthfully, I can run a 10 min/mile pace and I do, a lot of my run intervals at the pace. But for the half I will try to keep it closer to 12 min/mile. That is what will keep my body fresh and help me to finish the half this year.

I know that I am doing everything right for me. I know that I have figured out the right time intervals and paces. I know that I can finish this half. But I also know that people still make me feel bad about how I do it even though they never mean to do it. I just wish people would stop making assumptions about what I mean when I say I am slow and leave it alone. Many time the "encouragement" has the total opposite effect. I still have a long way to go and I know I will only get better as I move forward. I just wish it was easier to talk about these things and not feel judged or belittled while doing it.

I HAVE FINISHED A HALF MARATHON! How many people can actually say that. I can! And I love that but I hate the look I see flash over people's faces when I say it. I am fully aware of the fact that I am fat and that doing a half marathon at my size seems baffling to you. In a lot of way, it baffles me too. But this is part of my journey to a new me, not the destination. Some people decide to get in shape so they can do a half, I decided to use half marathons to help me get in shape and become the woman I want to be. I have one down. Hopefully, number two will be completed in a week and then I will focus on just finding a routine and other workout outlets until it is time to train for the Wine and Dine in November where I am hoping my pace will be a little quicker.

Change up!

So I was originally planning on wearing my penguin costume again for the Princess. However, now I have changed my mind. It just didn't turn out quite like I wanted it to and so I wasn't completely happy with it. Plus no one got it. NO. ONE. I was asked if I was a penguin from Mary Poppins or the squeak toy from Toy Story(though I may use it as my costume for the next Disney Halloween Party so I can be Wheezy)

I also decided to change because I still wanted to do my original idea for the race. When all of this started, since I knew Mac was going to be deployed, I wanted to have a shirt made up and have something about him on it. I wanted it to at least say something about my soldier. Whether it was "Running for my soldier." or something cuter. I scrapped all of that when I came up with the penguin idea but a part of me still wanted to do it. Now that I'm not completely happy with my costume, it has been on my mind that much more. So, I'm going back to the original idea.

I just ordered my shirt. Thanks to my friend Maggie, I have the perfect thing for it to say, "My Soldier calls me Princess" She saw a shirt online that said, "A Soldier calls me Princess" and she fell in love with it. That is what her shirt will say. I changed it up a little but it is basically the same thing.

Here is a preview of the shirt.

Front

Back

And here is my SparkleTech Sparkle Skirt.

I'm excited about my new outfit. I think it will be more fitting as well. Mac was such a huge part of my journey and he was there for me last year. I am going to miss seeing him during and after the race this year. But this way, I will feel like he is with me a little more.

I didn't want the front to be completely empty so I decided to add my little 13.1 design. It will be perfect since the Princess will complete my coast to coast. Plus I just absolutely love that design and I'm pretty proud of it.

Now to anxiously wait until my shirt arrives.

Update: The new complete look, minus the tiara of course.

You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!

It's hard to believe that a week ago I was in California getting ready to run the Tinkerbell Half Marathon. I was excited to be at Disneyland but I was also terrified of the task ahead. 

My mom and I arrived in California on Friday afternoon. It had been a first for my mom. She had never flown before or been farther west than Texas. We got settled into your hotel and grabbed some lunch in the hotel restaurant then we headed over to the expo. I had to pick up the packet for a friend of mine as well as my own. It took me a little while to figure out where I need to go but once I got downstairs there were very few people there and I was able to get everything taken care of quickly.  I was happy to see that I was in corral c.  I knew this gave me a little extra time. I was so worried about being swept and I wanted all the cushion I could get. I went back upstairs and found my mom so that we could checkout the vendors in the expo.  We went to see what the official merchandise was like and grab a few things. As I looked around I found the "I did it!" shirts and I couldn't decide if I should buy one or not. I was superstitious about buying the shirt that said i did it before I had actually completed the race.  Even though i was confident I knew that there was still a possibility that I would be swept so I put the shirt back and found another. I actually liked it better because it is much more understated. 

We decided to take it easy that night and grab dinner in Downtown Disney. We went and bought our park tickets, then headed up to bed to call it a night. We went to bed really early because we were still operating on eastern time but that meant we were able to get up early the next morning and go to the parks. Around lunch I met up with Melissa from 13 going on crazy in our hotel lobby to pick up the kt tape that I had won from her give away.  My mom and I decided to go to the expo one more time to pick up a few things I had forgotten. After lunch, we met up with Meghan and Andrew at the hotel. In a lot of ways, it is all Meghan's fault that I decided to do the Tink in the first place. She is the one that posted the picture of the t-shirt with a quote from John Bingham that started it all. She is the reason I signed up for the princess last year and found the determination and motivation to start running.  

We had reserved picnics for world of color that night so we met up in the park to grab food and find a spot to watch the show. It was truly awesome and a great way to get my mind off my nerves. After watching the fireworks from the balcony of the hotel we swapped cell numbers and set up runner tracking, then called it a night. I had to get up early. One of the best things about the race was how close  our hotel was to the start. That meant I didn't have to get up nearly as early as at the Princess.  I met Meghan at around 0430 to head over to the start. When they started letting people into the corrals Meghan went off to B and I headed to C. I  made sure I was as close to the front as I could be. I wanted to make sure I gave myself as much time as possible. Waiting around was brutal but I chatted with a few people near me. My main thing was trying to stay warm. Every now and then, the announcers would come on the video screen and try to keep us pepped up. It was cool finding out that Sean Astin(Samwise Gamgee in LOTR) was running with us.  Then they had someone sing the National Anthem while shooting off fireworks at appropriate times, successfully making me cry and miss my husband that much more. The elite runners left followed soon by Meghan and the rest of corral B. The race got off to a late start but finally it was our turn and off I went. 

The beginning is always chaos. Thousands of runners trying to get through and find their pace. The road we were on was just outside of the park and we headed to the back of Disneyland before entering it. I had picked up an interval timer at the expo and had a little trouble finding the best place to wear it so for my first miles or so I was a little slower. In reality that was a good thing because it kept me from starting too fast and burning out.  I wasn't expecting the hills in the first part of the course or how little entertainment there would be outside of the park.  I was glad once we entered Disneyland. It was pretty cool seeing the backlot area of the park. However, I was disappointed with how little there seemed to be along the course in the park.  All of the princesses that were out were all on one float and there were only 3 of them. I understand this was the Tinkerbell not the princess but Tinkerbell and her fairy friends were no where to be found. The course made it's way through the park and we headed towards Main Street. I was excited about this part because of the experience I had last year. It was not the same. At Disney World, the street is lined with cast members waving and cheering you on. Here, there was no one. We ran down around and back through the castle. 

I wasn't using my phone to track my run so I had no way of knowing my pace. As I passed each mile, I would check the clock and do the math. I was shocked that I was staying on pace even though I had a slow start. I felt good about the race but I was still really nervous. There was still a long way to go. We made our way out of the park and into Downtown Disney and that's where I knew I would have my first chance to see my mom. I knew she would be able to just walk downstairs and find a spot near the hotel to see me as I ran by. At first I wasn't sure she would be out there as I ran by the hotel and didn't see her. Then I finally saw her and made my way out of Downtown Disney. Next, I was on the streets of Anaheim and that's all there was for the next 7 and a half miles. There were no photographers, no characters, and very little entertainment. They had cheerleading squads and dance teams but most of them were simply standing and waving as we went by. 

That's when the race got really hard. There was nothing to distract me and I was left alone with my thoughts. I was paranoid and every time I passed a parked bus, my blood pressure went up. I felt like I was slowing down and running out of steam. Every time I ran up an incline or around a corner, I would try to look behind me to see how many people were there and if I could see a bus. In downtown Anaheim,  I was finally able to see the field behind me.  The course ran around a block and back. There was about 0.4 of a mile between me and the runners that were just starting the block. I was able to see that there were still LOTS of people behind me. That was probably the first time that I really felt like I was going to be able to finish. I got a little emotional when the realization hit me. I also knew that I was very quickly approaching the 8 mile mark and that was a big deal since 8 miles is where I was picked up last year. I'm not gonna lie I cried a little as I passed the mile marker. I had my camera with me and I took a video as I passed the marker and then shot behind me to show there were still people there. As much as that helped my mood, that area was probably the hardest  of the race. As we got deeper into Anaheim I begin to lose my motivation and feel defeated. I still had over 4 miles to go and I felt like I was losing steam I finally reached the 9 mile mark and soon after the nutrition station. I grabbed a gu and a cup of water and kept going. As i ran on I felt like I would never reach the park again. 

I knew if i could just reach California Adventures, I would be home free but I was beginning to feel like we would never get there.  I had my first experience with biofreeze around 11 miles. My right shoulder was cramping up and I figured it couldn't hurt to put some on my shins too. Unfortunately I put a little too much on my legs and then I was freezing. I pushed forward knowing we had to be close to the park. I did have one very annoying encounter. There was a woman that was being very obnoxious. She was running with a friend who is overweight and slower like me but she was skinny an obviously ran a lot. While she was beside her friend she was dancing around as she ran. Then she would sprint ahead and run back. Every time she ran by me I wanted to trip her. I really wanted to stop her and explain to her that what she was doing was not making her friend feel any better it was probably making it worse. Fortunately we were getting closer to the park again and I regained my focus. It was almost perfect timing because as we rounded the last corner before the park, someone was holding a sign that said, "Just keep swimming." It made me smile and gave me a little boost. 

Finally, I was running into the back of California Adventures. I was on the home stretch. I got a little emotional again as I was running through the streets of the park. It didn't take long run through the park and then back into the back lot area.  I was finally in the last mile. I was going to make it. My feet hurt and I was tired but the end was near. Even though I knew this, it didn't all hit me until we came out of the back lot area and I saw my mom, Meghan and Andrew. There was Meghan,  jumping up and down and her Tinkerbell outfit. I couldn't help it.  I was overcome with emotion and I ran over to her to get a big hug. That's when I broke down crying. I knew I was gonna make it. I knew I was going to finish this time. I was crying. Meghan was crying. And I was about to finish. 

Meghan sent me on my way and told me to get it done. I ran off down the street, turned the corner and saw the 13 mile sign. Then I was there. I could see the finish line. I composed myself to cross and then I was done. I did it.  I finished a half marathon. I went over to receive my medal and find my way to the reunion area. I waited for a phone call from my husband. I signed him up to receive emails from the runner tracking and he was suppose to call a soon as I was done. Of course, when my phone rang, I began to cry. He told me how proud he was of me and I told him how much I missed seeing him at the finish. 

Without him, none of this would have been possible. He didn't call me crazy when I said I was going to do a half marathon. He never told me I couldn't do it. He trained with me. Pushed me, let me cry when I was frustrated and was always there with a smile and a high five when I completed a workout. He walked 5ks with me and rode his bike as I ran when he had a stress fracture. He was there with me every step of the way, when he could be. When he couldn't, he always told me how proud he is of me. He tells me that I can do anything. And finally, I believe him. My life is changing and I am becoming a new person. And though I do it for me, I also do it for him.

As much as Mac is my strength and biggest supporter, it was someone else that got me into all of this mess. Meghan started it all by asking if there was anyone that wanted to do the Princess Half with her in 2011. I thought it would be fun but didn't have the guts to sign up until I saw the picture and the quote. "The miracle isn't that I finished, it is that I had the courage to start."-John Bingham. That gave me the courage to start and God gave me a wonderful friend in her. It's very weird to feel such a strong connection to a person that you've only seen twice in the flesh. The first time I ever met her in person was at last years princess and the second was last week in California. But that baffles me because I feel like I have known her forever and that if I ever needed anything, all I have to do is call. 

I spent the rest of my time there enjoying time with a dear friend, hanging out with my mom and soaking up the California sun. We kept trying to wear down Andrew so that he would let Meghan be my team mate at the Expedition Everest Challenge in May. Though we may not have gotten anywhere on that one, a reunion is in the works for the Wine and Dine half weekend. I am so excited about that possibility because if all goes well, my husband will be running it with me. 

So now I go forward and try to prepare for the Princess. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that after this month, I will have completed two half marathons and earned a coast to coast medal. Who knows, maybe I'm even confident enough now to buy the "I did it!" shirt at the Princess Expo. 

We'll see...

____________________________

You Can Fly!
From "Peter Pan"
Music and Lyrics by Sammy Fain and Sammy Cahn

Think of a wonderful thought
Any merry little thought
Think of Christmas, think of snow
Think of sleigh bells
Off you go like reindeer in the sky

You can fly! You can fly!
You can fly!

Think of the happiest things
It's the same as having wings
Take the path that moonbeams make
If the moon is still awake
You'll see him wink his eye
You can fly, you can fly!
You can fly!
Up you go with a heigh and ho
To the stars beyond the blue
There's a Never Land waiting for you
Where all your happy dreams come true
Every dream that you dream will come true

When there's a smile in your heart
There's no better time to start
Think of all the joy you'll find
When you leave the world behind
And bid your cares goodbye
You can fly, you can fly!
You can fly, you can fly!
You can fly! 

I did it!!!

This post will be short and sweet because it is late and I'm exhausted but i wanted to share the good news.

I completed my first half marathon today.

I'll post more about my experience when i get home.

Maybe I can do this

First of all, is anyone out there?!? I know I haven't been as consistent with posting the last few months and I am sorry. Did I lose everyone? Please let me know if you are still reading.

Now on to some things I touched on in my last post.

One of the big reasons I haven't been posting is because Mac left. With him deploying, everything was kicked out of whack and I felt like I lost all focus. It's hard to sit and type up a post when you can't seem to wrangle all the thoughts in your head.

But really the main reason I haven't been blogging is because I lost hope. Let me explain. I suffer from seasonal depression and when that hit this year, it hit harder than normal(because of the deployment.) I was already struggling with my eating and stalled out on the weight loss front. So that coupled with depression issues, I felt like I ran face first into a brick wall. This is the same wall I have hit over and over again in this life long struggle. The point were I start believing the voice in my head and everyone around me that says I can't do it. No, most people don't flat out say I can't do it but that is the message that I get. When my mother-in-law looks at me and asks me all of these questions about running and I hear the one she won't ask. "If you are running so much, why haven't you lost any(more) weight?" I can see it in her eyes as she looks at me when she asks. And yes, she is really wondering that. I'm sure most people are. The roll of the eyes or sarcastic remark I get from family when I talk about programs I am trying(shakeology) or new work outs I am considering doing make me feel foolish. No one expects me to change, so I stop expecting myself to succeed. I have been stuck in this rut for so long, why should I be able to get out now? Times when the motivation that was so strong and the determination that was driving me seems to have run out. I feel lost, alone and hopeless.

The Tinkerbell Half is one week away. ONE. WEEK. I'm just slightly freaking out. I have been so worried that I have wasted the past year because my training has slipped a lot the last two months. On new year's eve, when I tried to run 9 miles and couldn't finish, I was devastated. It was a hard blow and I really felt like I was doomed to repeat the past. Fortunately that weekend I was able to talk to my aunt and she helped me see that I was worth it and that I can do anything. Though that talk helped, I was still in a bad place. I tried to refocus but I continued to stumble.

Then it was time for my 11 mile training run. As it approached, I tried to treat it like the race. I tried to be more aware of what and when I was eating and how hydrated I was. I didn't want stupid things like that to be the reason I couldn't do it. I wanted to know exactly where I was physically so that I would know if finishing the Tink was even possible. I was scared, but I was ready to give it a try. I felt better during the run than I expected. I did have to stop once for the potty and once to fix my shoes but I was able to do the entire 11 miles. I walked most of the last 2 miles, but I did it. My time wasn't great. It would even be considered embarrassing for most people but it was good enough. It was good enough that if I can do the same thing at the Tink next week, I will have no problem crossing the finish line. I'm still nervous and I am still scared but I know feel like it really is a possibility. Something else that helped with that feeling is something I found online the other day. Melissa over at 13 going on Crazy had a post with this awesome pace calculator in it. I plugged in the intervals I used the other day and the paces required that it calculated are paces I know I can do even now. So when you add in the excitement and the help that race day gives you, I really shouldn't have a problem getting it done.

I finally had that little boost I needed to feel like it was all possible.

I have been dealing with a lot of regret lately, too, because I realized we are 2 1/2 months into this deployment and I haven't made any real progress with my weight. Yes, it is awesome that I am doing better with my running but I want to feel better and have a body that says runner, not one that makes people look at me like I have two heads when I tell them how far I have ran. (Though that is a response most distance runners get, it is even worse when you weigh over 200 lbs because they don't expect you to be able to walk a block let alone run 11 miles.) I want to be the person I have always wanted to be. I want to be able to go shopping where ever the hell I want and actually be able to buy clothes not just shoes. I want to be sexy. I feel like I have wasted so much time already and that was just one more thing that made me want to give up.

This past week, I found out the window for Mac's R&R. That means I have been researching options and beginning to plan more seriously. I still have 7 months before I will see him. I still have time to make a big change and I am starting to find that drive and determination again. I keep looking at places to go and stay and I keep finding myself looking for a common amenity or feature. I keep looking to see if there is a beach or a pool because I want to be so different by then that I WANT to wear a bathing suit. I want to see my husbands face light up and his eyes bug out a little when he sees me because that would be a version of me he has NEVER seen. I want to need to go and buy all new clothes before R&R because nothing I have will stay on me. I want to be a new person.

I'm really looking forward to the race finally. I feel like it is going to be the last nudge I need to really kick things into high gear and start making a big change. I want to prove everyone wrong. I want to prove myself wrong.

I want to succeed and I am finally starting to believe that I can.

Huge confidence boost

I know, I'm sorry, I've been quiet lately. In reality, everything hasn't been going very well and I have hit some emotional and mental walls. I am starting to break through them though and today's run is playing a huge part in helping with that. I will try to talk more about all of it later but the short version of today's success is:

I ran 11 miles in a pace that would let me finish the Tinkerbell Half!!!!!

This is a huge deal because I was really starting to freak out about it. I'll elaborate more later but I just wanted to share that now in case it takes a day or two for me to find the time for a full post.

Revelations and Resolutions

The last month has been eye opening for me in a few ways. I have realized some of the things that have been holding me back and what I am going to need to do to succeed. I also realized that I have to come to terms with the very real facts that I am not where I wanted to be by now and that it will greatly affect my chances of finishing the Tinkerbell this month. My long run this weekend was bad. My pace was crap and my feet were killing me so badly that I actually wasn't able to go as far as I was supposed to. I am going to keep training and pushing but I also have to look at the facts and prepare myself for the possibility of being swept again. I've talked about this with a few people and they keep telling me how I need to believe and that I will finish. I know they are trying to be nice but I'm being realistic. Someone else said that as long as I can walk, I can finish because others have finished by walking the entire thing. That is not true for me because I walk to slowly. People don't realize that with my run/walk intervals, my average pace is on the verge of being slower than the required pace. I know that I can go slower than the 16 min mile requirement and still finish if I have a good corral placement but the reality is, I can't go much faster than that. I AM SLOW! I'm ok with the fact that I am slow but I can't seem to get people to understand this fact. I say slow, they think 12 minute mile. No, I'm slower than that. I would love to do a 12 min mile average pace and one day I will but that will not be any time soon. I just can't seem to get people to understand that when I say slow, I mean SLOOOOOWWW. Haha.

Anyway, I have resolved to finish what I started. I am going to lose this weight. I am going to run and I am going to get in shape. I am going to be a different woman when my husband sees me next. I'm going to break the cycle. I'm going to finally become the woman I have always wanted to be. This will be my year.