Pulling Away

I've been pulling away from the blogging community for a while and I am sorry.


When I started struggling, I started feeling like I didn't have anything useful to say. I felt like if I really started talking about my struggles, I would lose what few readers I have because who wants to read about the negatives. People I've met and people that comment on here all the time talk about how I have inspired them. This really baffles me most of the time but it also made me feel like I had to be a motivation to help continue to inspire people. I can't struggle and inspire anyone. I started pulling away more and more as I realized how little I really had figured out and I felt like I couldn't be inspirational to anyone because I still have so much to learn. I keep thinking of things to post but something always stops me. I wonder if it will be good enough to help someone in their own struggles or if it will just make people think I'm just another loser that will never change.

I've learned a lot since this journey began. I really think I have figured out the running thing for me. It took a lot of trial and error but I finally found what worked enough for me to allow me to finish two half marathons within a month. I haven't kept up with my regular runs like I should but that is mostly because I have been focusing on the new workout program. I truly believe the workouts I have been doing is what allowed me to have the awesome run that I did two weeks ago. I have a few more things to introduce but I feel like I have a pretty good handle on the physical part of this journey. I have found things that I enjoy. I am continuing to sign up for races to keep my legs moving. And I have found workouts that are making me stronger and helping me get my heart rate up. When it comes to activity, things are really starting to click.

Thee problem is that's not enough. So much of this battle is mental and nutritional. I have not been able to get a firm grasp on the food. I will do really well and then it will all fall apart. Sometimes it is emotional, sometimes it is convenience,  and sometimes it is just frustration with not knowing where to go next. I've been trying to find recipes and ideas for meals I can make at home that are tasty and healthy and fit my picky palate. I've been collecting recipes and meal plans for weeks now but I have yet to use them. I am going to try to change that this week. I have to go to Austin to pick up my race packet for next weekend and I am planning on stopping in Whole Foods and Central Market to pick up some really great, natural groceries. I'm trying to clean up what is going into my body by changing the quality of food while also being aware of the quantity.  I'm not going crazy with it just making better choices and until I can trust myself around regular items, I think it will be easier to shop in an environment where they are pickier about the contents than I am.

I'm saying all of this to say, I'm still trying, I'm still here, and I am going to try to share more as this journey progresses. I'm going to try to start posting things like recipes I find that I really love, products that have helped me,  all the crap no one wants to talk about when you are a fat woman trying to get healthy and of course any victories I have along the way.  But it also means it won't all be rainbows and sunshine because this food thing is going to be a big struggle before I get it all figured out. Just bear with me and hopefully we can all get through this together.